Blood Diner

1987, distributed by Vestron Video, of course

Directed by Jackie Kong

Starring Carl Crew as George, Rick Burks as Michael, Drew Godderis as Uncle Anwar and Tanya Papanicolas as Sheetar!!!

J-Rock's Review:





of 5 skulls

Blood Diner is pretty damn good! It's about two brothers who are trying to resurrect the ancient Lumerian (huh?) goddess Sheetar. To bring her back, they must create a new body out of the parts of sluts and then have a "blood feast" with the blood of a virgin.

How they go about collecting victims and body parts is the best part. Look for the girl who gets her head covered in batter and then friedd and the fat guy who gets run over twenty or so times by the van.

The killing scenes in Blood Diner are definitely Troma-esque, meaning they are stupid and hilarious. There's not a lot of graphic gushing blood like in Troma flicks, but the deaths are still great. Check this one out if you can.

For more information from the IMDb: Blood Diner

Demonsoul

1994, Vista Street Entertainment

Starring: Who the hell knows?

J-Rock's Review: NEGATIVE SIX MILLION SKULLS

THIS MOVIE IS THE BIGGEST PIECE OF CRAP I HAVE EVER SEEN.

THERE IS NOT ONE REDEEMING QUALITY TO IT.

DO NOT BE FOOLED BY THE HOT CHICKS ON THE BOX, THIS MOVIE IS COMPLETE SHIT.

AVOID THIS MOVIE AT ALL COSTS.

If you're really stupid and want more information:
IMDb: Demonsoul

Evil Ed

1997, distributed by A-Pix Entertainment

Starring: Jim Friedman as Ed, Dan Malmer as Zip, Kara Killen as Barbara, and some other Swedish people

J-rock's Review:

out of 5 skulls



Evil Ed kicks ass! This movie mocks horror flicks, and does it with more ponash than Scream, Scream 2, or I Know How You Screamed with Buffy the Vampire Slayer Last Winter in the Hood.

It's a Swedish film dubbed into English, so some of the lines are unforgettable. The best is Ed's boss telling him that a scene he's editing is about "a woman getting raped by a beaver, then blown up with a bazooka."

As for the plot, Evil Ed is about a horror movie editor, Ed, who finds himself going crazy from all the brutality and violence he's seen at his job. He starts having hallucinations and delusions about Satan, his wife, and his boss. He kills them all (well, not Satan) and ends up chasing a movie cameramen and his girlfriend through a mental hospital.

If you can overlook the logic gaps and bad dubbing, Evil Ed is an awesome movie, and funny as hell.

For more information:
IMDb: Evil Ed

Hell Night

1981, Distributed by Compass International Pictures

Starring: Linda (the worst actress in history) Blair, Peter (Friday the 13th Part IV) Barton, and Vincent Van Patten

J-rock's Review:
out of 5 skulls




This one's pretty bad, but not even close to Bloodstalkers. It's about four pledges who have to spend a night in a haunted house. The brothers and sisters play pranks to scare them, but then, oh my!, the "mythical" monster DOES exist!! I wasn't expecting that one! Basically, everyone except Linda dies. The whole movie is very dark, and there is way too much dialogue for a horror movie.

A Letter to Linda Blair

Dear Ms. Blair,

It's been a long time since The Exorcist, and your fifteen minutes of fame are long over. I saw you on USA's "Happy Hour" recently, and while you are aging well, you never really had an acting career. I did enjoy your women-in-prison movie Chained Heat, but not because of your acting skills.

The first sign that you were the movie equivalent of a "one-hit wonder," like Yahoo Serious, Crispin Glover, and Freddie Prinze, Jr., should have been when you mocked yourself in Repossessed.

I do hope that you are happy and that this letter finds you in good health, but please refrain from looking for small slivers of limelight.

Sincerely,
Dr. J-Rock
Dean, University of Bad Horror Movies

For more information from the IMDb (for everyone except Linda): Hell Night

Bloodstalkers

1978, distributed by Vidmark (who else?)

Starring a bunch of people who were never in any other movie.

J-Rock's Review:
NOT A GODDAMN SKULL out of 5 skulls

This movie sucks. I can't even tell you how much it sucks. It is second in sucking only to Invasion of the Blood Farmers. It is a piece of crap.

If you really want to know what it's about, here you go - two couples go to the Everglades to visit the old cabin which belonged to Mike's parents. They drive fifteen hours to go to this little shit-shack in the middle of the swamp. Ever hear of freakin' Disney World?!?

I think one of the women is a stripper, and her boyfriend is an actor. The other guy is a Vietnam vet or something. I'm not really sure because most of the dialogue is incoherent. All the locals tell them not to go to the old house because of the "bloodstalkers." Of courrse they ignore the warnings and go anyway. Then the bloodstalkers turn out to be some local rednecks in gorilla suits. Yay. Basically, nothing happens in the entire movie.

DO NOT, I REPEAT, DO NOT WATCH THIS MOVIE. MANY PEOPLE HAVE SUFFERED AND DIED BECAUSE OF BLOODSTALKERS.

If you really want more information from the IMDb: Bloodstalkers

C.H.U.D.

Note: This review was written by my college buddy Rob-Dogg.











1984, New World Pictures
Starring: Daniel Stern as The Reverend, John Heard as George Cooper, and John Goodman as "Cop in Diner"!!

Rob-Dogg's Review: ZERO skulls of 5 skulls

A few weeks ago some of my friends and I were having a get together drinking some root BEER and we decided to throw in a movie called "C.H.U.D." I had heard of this movie before and thought, "Hey why not, this should be funny, since we are all starting to feel the effects of the root BEER."

Well, this movie was not the party treat I thought it would be.

First of all, there were hardly any deaths, so I fast forwarded through the ENTIRE movie. This is actually the first time that I have EVER done this, so you know it must be BAD!!!!

Then, most of the people watching the movie were falling asleep, including the hot girl that I had laying with me on the couch (Bummer!!!).

The only highlights of this movie are seeing Daniel Stern and John Goodman in their early days. No wonder they never got far in their movie careers. John Goodman would later go on to the show Roseanne where he would be the lucky man that gets to kiss that fat slob Roseanne.

Surprisingly, this crap-fest managed to make enough money to produce a sequel. When we see "C.H.U.D. 2", one of us will review it. Don't hold your breath.

Anyway, don't watch this movie unless you want to be single for life and put everyone to sleep.

For more information from the IMDb: C.H.U.D.

In case you're wondering, and God only knows why you are, C.H.U.D. stands for Cannabalistic Humanoid Underground Dwellers. Oo, that sounds so scary.

Bloody Birthday

1981, distributed by Prism Pictures

Starring Elizabeth Hoy as Debbie, Billy Jayne as Curtis and Julie Brown as Beverly

J-Rock's Review:





of 5 skulls

This one's about three ten-year-olds who start killing people. Twisted, huh?

It's a pretty violent flick, with a lot of deaths. However it is just TOO dumb and illogical. I know, you're thinking, "But J-Rock, what horror movies actually make sense?", but this one is just beyond comprehension. If most horror flicks make "zero" sense, this one makes "negative" sense. Allow me to deliniate some flaws:

1. The first murder: How oculd a ten-year-old swing a gravedigger's shovel hard enough to kill a strong 18-year-old?
2. The sheriff's murder: He gets his head smacked with a baseball bat, but because the kids pull him onto some steps outside and say "he fell," the death is called a freak accident. Now, wouldn't someone notice there are four or five contusions on his skull matching the shape of a bat?!?
3. The teacher's murder: There is blood on her front and back, with much more on her back, which was the entry wound and should not have been too bloody. In addition, the bullet apparently went through her, so it would have been in the wall somewhere. On top of that, once she was found dead, I would hope the authorities would have talked to the kids, who were in the school when she was shot, so they would have seen the BULLET HOLE Curtis' jacket!!
4. Beverly's murder: I don't think a ten-year-old girl could pull back a recurve bow at all, let alone enough to launch an arrow into her sister's head. You've got to see this bow, too. It's bigger than the little girl!
5. The end chase through the house: the blonde psycho kid cuts the wire that comes from the wall to the phone, and this results in all the phones in the house being dead?!?
6. The very end: The hand-jack the psycho girl is playing with would not have been used to life the truck she drops on a guy. Also, I guess her mother didn't notie a FREAKIN' TRUCK dropped on a guy's head!!

One more thing to tell you about: we rewound the 'shovel to the face" scene about seven times, because it was just so damn ridiculously funny.

For more information from the IMDb: Bloody Birthday