Wednesday, June 28, 2000

Forever Evil

If you took Forever Young starring Mel Gibson, and mixed it with Evil Dead starring Bruce Campbell, you'd have....

Forever Evil!!!
Starring Mel Campbell and Bruce Gibson!

1987, Distributed by United Home Video

Well, it doesn't really star them. Instead, you'll have to watch Red Mitchell as Marc, Tracey Huffman as Reggie (a chick), Howard Jacobsen as Parker Nash, and Kent Johnson as The Zombie!!!! (the best actor in the film)

J-Rock's Review:
of 5 skulls

Hmm...this one isn't that terrible, but it's pretty dumb. The people in it are really annoying, so I was happy when each one got sacrificed to Yog Kothag, who apparently was a very bad god, and was imprisoned by the other gods in a far-off star, and when this quasar star emits radio waves, people on earth kill in order to bring him back.

There's one really nasty part where a pregnant lady is, let's say, aborted. You don't see it happen, but they find her body with the stomach ripped open. The rest of the killings are bad-edit style, where you don't actually see the knife hit the person, but you see it stuck in them afterwards. The most confusing thing in the movie is how the series of murders are plotted on a map as each occuring several miles apart, in the shape of a pentagram, but a bunch of them happened in the same house...? Don't ask me.

The only cool thing in the movie was the zombie, who turns out to be one of the cult's victims from 60 years ago. His makeup obviously made up most of the movie's budget (OK, the entire budget), and it's not too bad. He gets his eye mashed, his body burned, and his muscles cut off, but keeps coming back for more.

Overall, if you have 3 bucks to burn and are a glutton for this kind of crap, Forever Evil is bearable, but not much more.

For more information from the IMDb: Forever Evil

Monday, June 26, 2000



Starring: Michael Chiodo as Jonathan, Leslie Den Dooven as Carol, and well, who cares?

J-Rock's Review:
A 1986 Nissan Sentra, of 5 skulls

This one is just boring as hell. Nothing happens! It's about a newlywed couple who moves into a house where the previous newlyweds had committed suicide (as recreated with a cap gun). The protagonists just stand around and get scared by stupid effects, like windows closing and phones hanging themselves up. Ooooo.

Watch Carnage and see a table lamp MOVE!
SEE a lawn gnome TURN!
SEE windows close THEMSELVES!
SEE records PLAY!
SEE a tennis racket MOVE!
HEAR a polka rendition of Elvis' "It's Now or Never"! (seriously)
HEAR "Here Comes the Bride" OVER and OVER!

God this movie is awful...those are seriously things that happen and are supposed to be scary. There is one funny scene, where a would-be robber gets disemboweled by the house. At the end, the husband shoots his wife just like the previous one did...with a cap gun - no recoil, and her head doesn't move. Crappy effects and terrible editing make this snooze-fest unwatchable. I especially loved how the kitchen was fully stocked when they moved into their house.

For more information (you loser) from the IMDb: Carnage