Tuesday, April 27, 2004

Dawn of the Dead (2004)

Directed by Zack Snyder
Starring: Sarah Polley as Ana, Ving Rhames as Kenneth, Jake Weber as Michael, Mekhi Phifer as Andre, and hundreds upon hundreds of upon hundreds upon hundreds of people as, you know, the dead.

J-Rock's Review: When there's no more room in hell, I will still go see this movie.

Well well well, a remake of 1978's classic Dawn of the Dead. You might think to yourself, "Self, why would anyone want to try to remake 1978's classic Dawn of the Dead?" Well I'll tell you - because it's awesome!!!

First allow me to point out that many great and wonderful things were created in 1978, the most important among them being me. Now if someone were to say to me, "Hey, I can make a new version of you, only with more death and gore and less social commentary," what do you think I would say? Answer:

But back to the movie. This new version of Dawn is about as straightforward a remake as you can make (or is it remake?). They basically took the same idea as the original, tweaked the characters and situations slightly, added a shitload more death and dismemberment - and even some tits - and made a kick-ass movie!

For those of you who have been living under a rock or are barricaded inside a mall in Wisconsin, here's a quick synopsis of the story: Dead people are coming back to life. A group of people barricade themselves inside a mall in Wisconsin. Killing ensues.

Another great thing about this movie is that unlike the shitty, low-budget, low-class Return of the Living Dead series, the Dawn remake was made with George Romero's blessing!

Oh yeah, boob factor!! There are a few quick shots when the scumbag yuppie guy Steve is filming himself and his girlfriend screwing in the mall, but that's about it. But let's not ignore the fact that Jane Polley is hot.

When you're done staring at her boobs, here's yer IMDb link: Dawn of the Dead

Monday, April 12, 2004



Written and directed by Guillermo del Toro (English translation: Bill of the Bull - weird, huh?)

Starring: Ron Perlman as Hellboy, John Hurt (ouch!) as Professor Broom, Selma Blair as Liz Sherman, and Rupert Evans as John Myers

J-Rock's Review: AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OK, so Hellboy isn't technically a horror movie, but it is in the general vein of cool, sci-fi type flicks that I like, and I know my loyal readers are into.

Hellboy was friggin' awesome - I've never read the comics, so I was coming in totally fresh, and I was totally blown away. It's about a demon who was brought through from another dark dimension by the Nazis, but is raised to fight for the good guys. He even files down his huge horns in order to "fit in" - but that's gonna be tough seeing as he's 6'5" and bright friggin' red.

Hellboy and his cohorts are called into action to stop the nefarious (cool word) plots of a very old yet somehow spry Gregori Rasputin, who wants to unlock the door to the demon world and destroy ours. Hellboy and pals win of course, and there is much rejoicing.

I am such a huge fan of Hellboy that instead of making you read a whole page of my gushings about the movie, I thought it would be a cool treat to hear what some other famous superheroes from television and film have to say about "HB." Enjoy, but remember that the opinions expressed are those of the guest expressing them, and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of anyone at J-Rock's Horror Page. With that out of the way, here we go...

Wonder Woman (Lynda Carter)

Wow, Hellboy - that's a name that takes me back, back before those 1-800-CONTACTS commercials, before She Woke Up Pregnant, even before marrying Robert Altman.

I knew Hellboy back before that bitch Lucy Lawless stole my "dark-haired Amazon princess" bit. God I hate her. By Hera's name, I swear that I, Diana, daughter of Hippolyta, Princess of the Amazons, will have my revenge on Lucy Lawless, the usurper and pretender to my crown!!! I will reclaim my rightful place at ComicCon 2004!!! The womanless geeks will drool over me, Me, ME!!! Bwahahahahahaha!!!

Supergirl (Helen Slater)

Wow, where do I start? To start off, Hellboy is a really nice guy. Most people are put off by his appearance, but let me tell you, he's a softie at heart. He'll do anything for a friend.

Oh, one more thing: his tail is most definitely prehensile...

The Greatest American Hero (some blonde guy)

OK, I'm ready - here we go...

William Katt, reading for the part of Witness number 2: Yes, I saw what happened here. It was murder. How was that, pretty good? Great? Oh wow thanks!

OK, what's next? OK, here goes - I love Hellboy. Best movie I've seen all year - he kicks butt!

Wait a second. What is this? This doesn't sound like the right script. Hell-who? What am I doing here? I thought you told me this was an audition for Law & Order: Criminal Intent! What the fuck? Yes, I'm that guy from Greatest American Hero, what about it? You want me to talk about who? I've never heard of Helltoy! There aren't even any free donuts like you promised.

I'm a serious actor, I'll have you know. I was in Snake Island and Piranha. Oh, well you probably never heard of them because you've got no artistic taste!

I'm out of here - where's the door? And where are my damn donuts!

That went well...anyway, here's your IMDB link: Hellboy