Monday, April 12, 2004



Written and directed by Guillermo del Toro (English translation: Bill of the Bull - weird, huh?)

Starring: Ron Perlman as Hellboy, John Hurt (ouch!) as Professor Broom, Selma Blair as Liz Sherman, and Rupert Evans as John Myers

J-Rock's Review: AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OK, so Hellboy isn't technically a horror movie, but it is in the general vein of cool, sci-fi type flicks that I like, and I know my loyal readers are into.

Hellboy was friggin' awesome - I've never read the comics, so I was coming in totally fresh, and I was totally blown away. It's about a demon who was brought through from another dark dimension by the Nazis, but is raised to fight for the good guys. He even files down his huge horns in order to "fit in" - but that's gonna be tough seeing as he's 6'5" and bright friggin' red.

Hellboy and his cohorts are called into action to stop the nefarious (cool word) plots of a very old yet somehow spry Gregori Rasputin, who wants to unlock the door to the demon world and destroy ours. Hellboy and pals win of course, and there is much rejoicing.

I am such a huge fan of Hellboy that instead of making you read a whole page of my gushings about the movie, I thought it would be a cool treat to hear what some other famous superheroes from television and film have to say about "HB." Enjoy, but remember that the opinions expressed are those of the guest expressing them, and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of anyone at J-Rock's Horror Page. With that out of the way, here we go...

Wonder Woman (Lynda Carter)

Wow, Hellboy - that's a name that takes me back, back before those 1-800-CONTACTS commercials, before She Woke Up Pregnant, even before marrying Robert Altman.

I knew Hellboy back before that bitch Lucy Lawless stole my "dark-haired Amazon princess" bit. God I hate her. By Hera's name, I swear that I, Diana, daughter of Hippolyta, Princess of the Amazons, will have my revenge on Lucy Lawless, the usurper and pretender to my crown!!! I will reclaim my rightful place at ComicCon 2004!!! The womanless geeks will drool over me, Me, ME!!! Bwahahahahahaha!!!

Supergirl (Helen Slater)

Wow, where do I start? To start off, Hellboy is a really nice guy. Most people are put off by his appearance, but let me tell you, he's a softie at heart. He'll do anything for a friend.

Oh, one more thing: his tail is most definitely prehensile...

The Greatest American Hero (some blonde guy)

OK, I'm ready - here we go...

William Katt, reading for the part of Witness number 2: Yes, I saw what happened here. It was murder. How was that, pretty good? Great? Oh wow thanks!

OK, what's next? OK, here goes - I love Hellboy. Best movie I've seen all year - he kicks butt!

Wait a second. What is this? This doesn't sound like the right script. Hell-who? What am I doing here? I thought you told me this was an audition for Law & Order: Criminal Intent! What the fuck? Yes, I'm that guy from Greatest American Hero, what about it? You want me to talk about who? I've never heard of Helltoy! There aren't even any free donuts like you promised.

I'm a serious actor, I'll have you know. I was in Snake Island and Piranha. Oh, well you probably never heard of them because you've got no artistic taste!

I'm out of here - where's the door? And where are my damn donuts!

That went well...anyway, here's your IMDB link: Hellboy

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