Friday, September 26, 2003

Cold Creek Manor & Underworld


J-Rock's Review: Boooooooring

This is a double review for two reasons - first, I saw these movies in the same night. Second, neither one deserves its own review. I'll start with CCM, and unfortunately, I'm not talking about the company that makes hockey skates, nor am I talking about CCR - Big wheel keep on turnin'! Nope, I'm talking about Cold Creek Manor. This movie sucked. Sucked big-time. I don't mean the usual poor production qualities, stupid plot, bad acting kind of suck. It sucked worse than that. I mean Pauly Shore-type sucking. Did you ever try "Reduced Fat Twinkies"? I did - and yeah, this movie sucks even worse than they do. Sucksucksucksucksuck. Nothing good to mention at all. Suckity-suck-suck-suck.

Oh yeah, what's it about? It's about this family who moves from NYC to the sticks. The father buys a huge old mansion and starts to fix it up. He starts finding ridiculously obvious clues pointing to the fact that the family who lived there before was murdered, but somehow manages to remain completely oblivious. So he hires the local psycho redneck guy (Stephen Dorff) to do some work around the property - and even after Dorf beats up Randy Quaid in a bar, Randy has no clue. Dwarf starts threatening the family because the property originally belonged to his family - but Randy is still in the fucking dark. Oh yeah, the daughter's horse ends up in the pool at some point. And then Randy Quaid throws Worf off the roof. Stupid shit movie - don't watch it. Not even on TBS.

As for Underworld, it's got a cool idea - vampires and werewolves have been at war for 600 years through the streets and shadows of England. However, the movie is too long, and it becomes so confusing that you have no idea who is a vampire, who is a werewolf, who is a vampwolf, and who is a werepire. OK, that's not the only problem - there's also the fact that EVERY SINGLE PERSON wears a black leather jacket, further confusing the viewing audience.

One funny story about this movie - after seeing Cold Crap Manure, we walked into the theater we thought was showing
Underworld, when suddenly The Rundown came on. Ugh. Nothing kills your movie like using XFL footage in the first five minutes. XFL!! Needless to say, we realized something was wrong, so we walked around until we found the right theater.

Boob factor:
CCM - none. Underworld - none.

IMDb links:
Cold Creek Manor

Sunday, September 14, 2003

Cabin Fever


Directed by: Eli Roth
Starring: Rider Strong, Jordan Ladd, Joey Kern, Cerina Vincent, and James DeBello

J-Rock's Review:
Don't catch the fever!

Based on the previews and stuff, this movie promised to be bloody and hideously gory. Um, they lied. Cabin Fever is just a confusing, pointless amateurish film.

Basic plot - some annoying unlikable college-age kids go off to a remote cabin to party, and a hermit shows up with a nasty skin virus. One of the kids gets the nasty rash-thing, so they lock her in a shed so she doesn't infect the others, but they all start getting sick anyway, whether from drinking the water or touching the sick girl or fucking. It's kind of like how they used to think that you could catch AIDS from sharing a glass or kissing someone who had it.

Anyway, there are a lot of totally pointless and useless scenes in this movie, including a redneck kid who sits on the porch of the general store and bites people, and a hillbilly cop who just wants to find some parties.

Cabin Fever is supposed to be a dark comedy, but the problem is that it isn't funny or clever. It could've been a pretty good movie if they had gone with the whole idea of people turning on each other for fear of becoming infected, but the script just goes all over the place.

Boob factor: there are some boobies in Cabin Fever - Cerina Vincent, who played Areola in Not Another Teen Movie, shows her nice big boobies in two sex scenes.

IMDB link: Cabin Fever

Wednesday, September 3, 2003

Cat People

Directed by: Paul Schrader
Starring: Nastassja Kinky-I mean Kinski, Malcolm McDowell, John Heard, and Annette O'Toole

J-Rock's Review:
Boobies! Boobies! Boobies! (and bush!)

This movie was ponderously slow and very boring, but it had lots of

plus some

When I was 14 this was the kind of movie I'd tape off Cinemax and watch again and again and again and again until the tape (or my arm) wore out.

As for the story, Nastassja Kinski and Malcolm McDowell are a brother and sister who turn into panthers after they have sex, because their ancestors sacrificed women to the felines, and the two races somehow interbred. There's even one creepy scene where McDowell tries to convince his sister to have sex with him, because that's the only way they can do it without changing into murderous panthers. Oh yeah, there are a few killings in the movie, including a hilarious scene where the McDowell-panther rips a zookeeper's arm off at the shoulder.

Wait there's more! Not only do you see Nastassja's


in this movie, but you can also see Annette O'Toole's

- that's right, Clark Kent's mom on Smallville shows off her nice

in this flick. That alone is worth the price of admission.

Other than the


Cat People
is pretty pointless.

IMDB link: Cat People

Thursday, August 21, 2003

Citizen Toxie: The Toxic Avenger Part IV

It's a joke on Citizen Kane, get it? Oh yeah, it's not funny.

Directed by: Lloyd Kaufman
Starring: David Mattey, Debbie Rochon, Trent Haaga, and American icon and my personal hero RON JEREMY!!!

J-Rock's Review:
Ugh. An awful movie from beginning to end.

I love the original Toxic Avenger - I've watched that movie countless times, and it never gets old - because it was gross, irreverent, offensive, and funny. I guess in the intervening years, the folks at Troma forgot about that last one, because Citizen Toxie is not funny. Not at all. Not one funny joke.

I'm not some stupid parent who hates violence and foul humor, and complains about the content of the shows and movies their kid watches, instead of actually taking responsibility and monitoring what their stupid kid is watching - I mean, I love sophomoric and offensive humor and poop jokes, but only if they're funny! For example, two rednecks (one of whom is played by Mitch Cohen, the star of the first movie) drag a black man behind their truck until all that's left is a head - granted, it's so stupid and over-the-top as to almost be funny - but the only problem is that the crime being recreated happened years ago, which in today's age of MSNBC and Fox News, where headlines disappear as fast as American Idol winners, might as well have been the Mesozoic Era.

In case you're still reading, here's a quick plot summary - Toxie and Lardass (his new sidekick - what the?) rush into the Tromaville School for Special Students to save the tards, I mean special students, from the "Diaper Mafia." Yes, the Diaper Mafia, a take-off of the "trenchcoat mafia" killers from Columbine. Congratulations Troma on another timely joke.

A bomb explodes, which sends Toxie (along with 2 retards - damn it, I did it again!) into Amortville - and at the same time, sends the Noxious Offender into Tromaville. Parallel realities, get it? The plot then revolves around both men wreaking havoc in their opposite realities, and some other stuff where Toxie's wife Sarah is pregnant with 2 babies, one from each monster.

Now the story sounds OK on paper, with some hilarious possible situations and jokes, but in its execution the movie is just a jumble of disjointed, poorly conceived scenes replete with bad edits, not to mention a snail-turd's pace, helped along by incessant "Tromaville News" updates that are supposed to further the plot.

Even Ron Jeremy (as the mayor of Tromaville) can't save this shit-fest.

Ugh. Only see it if you are a die-hard Troma fan, and I know there are some out there, the same that rave about Tromeo & Juliet, another directionless, confusing, stupid Troma crapfest.

IMDB link: Citizen Toxie

Freddy vs. Jason


Directed by: Ronny Yu

Starring: Robert Englund (obviously), Ken Kirzinger as Jason, Monica Keena as Lori, and Jason Ritter as Will


Awesome. Finally. This movie, as any fan of either series knows, had been in the works for years. They finally unleashed it upon the world - and the world is a better place for it. Holy shit. I saw it twice.

Here's a quick plot summary: Freddy has sort of been in limbo for 4 years, because his power is fueled by kids' fear of him, and thanks to a concerted effort by the parents in Springwood, all knowledge of Freddy has effectively been erased. This was accomplished by not telling any kids about Freddy's legend, as well as quarantining in a psychiatric institute any kids who did know about Freddy, thus keeping them from "contaminating" the others with fear.

So Freddy, realizing he needs his name to be whispered with trepidation, brings Jason back to wreak havoc on Elm Street - but Jason doesn't stop when Freddy wants him to, which of course pisses Freddy off, leading to a monumental confrontation at Camp Crystal Lake.

There are some classic killing scenes by both legends, as well as some really cool insights into the origins and mythology of both.

My only complaint about the movie, and a common one on the message boards, is the stoner character - basically a stupid rip-off of Jay, of "Jay and Silent Bob" fame. There was just no reason to have this dumb character in the movie. If they really wanted a stoner, at least don't rip off someone else's stoner routine!!

Boob factor: There are some nice boobies right off the bat, but the rest of the movie is death death death, so that's it. Our hero is really fucking hot, however. Proof:

Anyway, I liked this movie so much that I bought the 2-poster set from New Line. It almost makes up for Jason X. Almost.

IMDb link: Freddy vs. Jason

Thursday, July 17, 2003

28 Days Later


Directed by Danny Boyle

Starring Cillian Murphy, Naomie Harris, Brendan Gleeson and Megan Burns

J-Rock's Review:

(not an actual screenshot)

Original Review
July 17, 2003

Best flick I've seen all year. This ain't no Italian shit-job zombie flick. Rather, 28 Days Later gives you a different take on the whole zombie genre. In this flick, the "infected" aren't just mindless shufflers - they are in a perpetual state of rage, pursuing any survivors with the ferocity and speed of rabid wolves.

Oh yeah, don't confuse this movie with the Sandra Bullock rehab movie 28 Days. If you rent the wrong one, whoo boy, you'll be wishing that you were infected and/or dead.

Without giving away too much, here's a quick recap - skip it if you don't want to hear anything before seeing the movie, which was how I felt. I didn't watch any trailers, commercials, anything, before I hit the theater. Some scientists are testing the effects of rage on monkeys, some monkey-lovers set the infected chimps free, and the monkeys return the favor by infecting the first people they see. The virus spreads through the blood - if someone gets any in them or if an infected bites them, they become infected within 30 seconds - that's how it spreads like wildfire. When we pick up the movie 28 days later (get it?), Jim wakes up in a hospital, completely alone and clueless (just like the guy in Day of the Triffids). The action picks up from there - some more survivors find Jim and fill him in on what happened; Jim and Selena (another survivor) meet up with Frank and his daughter Hannah; they hear a repeating broadcast by an army stockade claiming to have the cure for infection, so they decide to head for the location of the stockade. But first they have to escape from London, which is a perilous task. They eventually do hit the highway and reach their destination, where they find an army troop holed up on an old estate to defend themselves against the infected, complete with a minefield front lawn. Things turn nasty quickly, as the soldiers set their sights and boners on the two women in the group, much to the dismay of Jim, so he has to rescue them - and that's all I'll give you. You HAVE to see this movie! If you only see one Cillian Murphy movie this year - it has to be 28 Days Later!

Boob factor: you see Selena in her bra but that's it, so if you want some boobs in your zombie flick, you'll have to check out Make Them Die Slowly or Zombie Lake. But make sure you see 28 Days Later first.

July 28, 2003

So there was this whole buzz going around that the producers of 28 Days Later had shot a few different endings to the movie, and that if you saw it again and stayed through the credits, you'd see another ending, a "what if..." scenario.

Don't waste your money.

If you've already seen the movie, then leave it at that, because the much-touted new ending sucks - it's just a ploy to get you to spend another 9 bucks. I don't care if this is a spoiler - in fact, I hope it is, so you won't get your hopes up and go see the movie again. Basically, Jim dies after they smash through the mansion gates, so he never has a chance to tell Selena and Hannah that he saw a plane fly overhead. Hannah says "What do we do now?" and Selena says "We move," and they walk down a hallway...and that's it!!!!!!!

The press buzz made it sound like "what if the infection did, in fact, spread outside of England" - but it was nothing like that!!! I actually saw a print ad for the new ending saying that it is "so terrifying it will haunt you for days" - in reality, it was so boring I slept for 3 days!

I lost a lot of respect for a pretty cool movie because of their pathetic attempt to rip off the public.

IMDb link: 28 Days Later

Tuesday, June 3, 2003

Final Destination 2

Oh wow, blue faces in a row. How original.


Directed by: David R. Ellis

Starring: Ali Larter, A.J. Cook, James Kirk (hey, isn't that the Star Trek guy?), and
Tony Fucking Todd!!!!!!!

J-Rock's Review:

Better than the first. This flick was pretty damn good - it had lots of funny parts, pretty hot chicks, some quick boobs, and the best death scenes I've seen in a long time!

I'm assuming you know the premise from the first flick, so if you don't, then my only suggestion is to eat me. Or rent it. The second one starts out with a bang - a HUGE traffic pileup, full of death, music, explosions, and soccer moms. Ok, no soccer moms; we should only be so lucky. The only thing worse than a soccer mom in a minivan? A soccer mom in a fucking Escalade or Expedition! Do these broads really need V-8 engines, 4-wheel-drive, and the cargo capacity of an aircraft carrier just to take their little shit-nosed kids to day care, swim class, and the supermarket?

Anyway, some chick has a premonition about this accident and blocks the highway on-ramp, and thus saves a bunch of people from the Grim Reaper's scythe. You know the rest - death catches up with each one, but there are 2 twists in this movie. These are small spoilers, so scroll down quickly if you don't want to know anything about the movie - first, the sole survivor from the first movie, played by the ever-fucking-hot Ali Larter

is coaxed out of retirement (actually out of a psych institute) to help this new batch of death-dodgers. Second, each of the people who were spared on the highway were somehow saved once before, and each instance resulted from the death of someone from the first flick. Kind of a cool chain-reaction story they set up.

As for the awesome death scenes - oh man, they cooked up some gory, bloody-ass shit for this movie. Now I don't mean nasty gore like in a zombie flick, but death does its dirty deeds in a clever, evil fashion. Just as an example, one kid is flattened/splattered by a huge pane of glass. Cool visual, huh?

Plus, this movie features TONY TODD!! CANDYMAN!!!! Tony plays a creepy cremator...crematorator...crematororium...the guy who cremates John Does from the hospitals. I think. I don't remember that scene too well, and I don't remember him from the first movie, but it doesn't matter, because he's TONY TODD!!!

So even though F.D. 2 falls into the whole teen-oriented Miramax/Dimension genre, right down to the bluish faces on the box, it's worth checking out, mostly for the death scenes.

IMDb: Final Destination 2

Sunday, June 1, 2003

Darkness Falls

Directed by: Jonathan Liebesman (who?)
Starring: No one worth mentioning

J-Rock's Review:

I saw this movie when it came out back in dark, cold January of '03, but I haven't had a chance to update the good 'ol webpage lately. Not that you've been missing much - this movie sucked! People gush over it like it's the second coming of Hitchcock, but it's just a bad, boring movie. I mean, how scary is your movie really going to be when the villian is the Tooth Fairy?

Yeah, you read that right - the "scary" monster in this flick is the Tooth Fairy. It seems that in the town of Darkness Falls (get it?), a nice old lady used to give kids ca$h for the teeth they lost, so when two kids disappear, the first person the townsfolk accuse and immediately hang is the nice old lady. Whatever happened to due process??? I mean at least call Sam Waterston to prosecute the poor lady!

Anyway, the lady puts a curse on the town, blah blah blah, then comes back like a hundred years later to unleash a killing spree on some random people in the town. Why now? Why them? I don't know. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention (or I just didn't care) that the lady had been burnt by a house fire, and had to wear a porcelain mask just to go in the sunlight, so when she comes back as a demon-thingy, she has a mask and can only kill someone when they are enveloped by darkness.

Anyway again, she kills some people, then some guy destroys her with fire. And then we left the theater and walked into another movie. I don't remember what movie though.

Oh yeah, don't see Darkness Falls.

I'm not happy about it, but here's the customary IMDb link: Darkness Falls