Saturday, October 26, 2002

Ghost Ship


Directed by: Steve Beck

Starring: The chick from ER and the guy from End of Days

J-Rock's Review:
of 5 skulls

Not bad, not unbelievably awesome...just a scary spooky matinee type of horror flick.

It's about an ocean liner that's been lost for 40 years, and has just been found adrift in the Bering Strait by a salvage crew. They come on board, and then things start getting freaky. The chick from ER sees a little girl who's obviously a ghost; a couple of guys start chowing down on what seems like perfectly preserved canned food, but turns out to be yummy, nutritious maggots; and there are some cool deaths along the way.

This flick is worth a rental - you even get some quick boobies about halfway through!

For more information from the IMDb: Ghost Ship

Sunday, September 1, 2002



Directed by: the same asshole who directed The House on Haunted Hill

Starring: Stephen Dorff and some other poor saps

J-Rock's Review:
This is a total waste of time, money and film.

Original Review:
I thought it was impossible to make a movie worse than the afore-mentioned House on Haunted Hill. But this idiot succeeded.

This movie had a stupid story, horrible acting, dizzying cinematography and an awful style. Every scene takes place in faux Art-Deco rooms, like the entire city is back in the 1940s. And it's always raining - very fucking annoying.

As for the story, some sicko is running a live-webcam death site where he tortures and kills nubile young ladies. And the police can't find him. And anyone who looks at the site dies within 24 hours, at the hands of the first woman who died, who has apparently become some sort of electrical impulse (cough*Lawnmower Man*cough). The worst part is that every time someone logs on to the site, the movie enters a nauseating sequence of flashes and spins that don't scare you, but instead make you want to punch the director.

Anyway, they find him, and then they log him onto the site, so the dead chick kills him (finally!).
We didn't even see a double feature that night, because there was nothing else worth seeing. Hollywood sucks.

Addendum, added October 25, 2002:
Another thing that makes this movie suck really really bad is that it totally rips off The Ring. I saw the Japanese original, and even though it was dubbed off of a PAL video-disc and subtitled in both Cantonese and English, the movie was really cool. But feardotcom sucked all the suspense out of the movie for me. Fucking Stephen Dorff. I'm glad Blade kicked your ass.

For more information from the IMDb: feardotcom

Thursday, July 18, 2002

Halloween: Resurrection


Directed by: I don't care

Starring: I really don't care - except for Daisy McCrackin, the hot redhead who shows her boobs (briefly, but they're nice, and hey, they're boobs)

J-Rock's Review:
Not as bad as Jason X, but still less enjoyable than a colonoscopy

I can't believe I spent money to see another shit-fest horror sequel.

One saving grace is that we saw Reign of Fire as the second half of the double feature, which cleansed the palate of the first movie.

Halloween: Resurrection sucked from beginning to end. First there's a scene stolen from T2 where Jamie Lee Curtis is in a mental hospital and Michael Myers shows up and kills her. During this scene you find out how Michael survived the last flick, when he was clearly decapitated - it was the wrong guy!!! Bum-bum-buuummmm!! Turns out Mikey took a paramedic's uniform and put his mask on the paramedic (cough*SilenceoftheLambs*cough), so Laurie Lee Strode hacked off the paramedic's head instead of her baby brother's.

The premise of the movie is also stupid as shit - six college students are selected to go into Michael's old house to see if anything is amiss (cough*MTV's Fear*cough) This would almost be interesting if they didn't cut every two seconds to a "webcam" perspective, where you can't see shit. Nothing scary happens, Michael chases them around, kills a bunch, and through all this shit, it turns out Michael was tortured and abused as a kid, and that's why he turned nutso. What a way to totally destroy the mythology behind a character. Total 2002 sensitive-psychotherapy-bullshit: everything bad happens because Mommy and Daddy weren't nice to him. What a crock. What's next? Freddy turned evil because a priest cornholed him as a kid?
And of course at the end, when you think MM was burnt to a crisp, his eyes open and the movie ends. Great, another fucking sequel.

The one positive I can take from this movie is that if some assholes can get this pile of crap produced, then there's hope for me to get my dream horror flick produced.

Don't see this movie - spend the money on porn instead.

For more information from the IMDb: Halloween: Resurrection