tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24956477921069070052024-02-18T21:49:49.205-05:00J-Rock's Bad Horror BlogWelcome to J-Rock's page, dedicated to bad, bad horror movies (and the occasional good one). I ain't got all them pretty Flash animations and stuff, so I'll just tell you which movies to watch and which ones to avoid like the food at Denny's!Jonathanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01292419514842686712noreply@blogger.comBlogger37125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2495647792106907005.post-6237631076056893582009-05-26T12:01:00.003-04:002009-05-28T16:03:07.616-04:00Welcome to your doom!!!!<span style="font-weight: bold; font-family: trebuchet ms;">Well, well, well. Here we are in 2009, in the age of blogs.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold; font-family: trebuchet ms;">I started my horror site back in 1996 or 1997 on GeoCities as a goof, and its format was basically what we now know as a blog, so I figured it would be an easy and logical leap to move everything over to Blogger.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold; font-family: trebuchet ms;">Even though there have been a few extended hiatuses since college, I still enjoy writing new reviews as well as re-reading my old ones. I'm going to try to update more frequently, but between work and home, it's tough to find time to watch bad horror movies. Plus, it's a lot more fun with friends, and my horror-watching buddies now live all over the place. Nevertheless, I will persist for you, my loyal fan(s).</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold; font-family: trebuchet ms;">There's more coming, so bookmark this site, I mean blog, and stay scared...</span>Jonathanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01292419514842686712noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2495647792106907005.post-46098647527632205682004-12-31T16:07:00.004-05:002009-06-15T16:21:15.183-04:00Day of the Dead (1985)<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg3KqsW3ARfAbFhDwstKaW1lBhdGhR-kRjtUw9Y3ys78y9y5-S3nBDuu0BC6MNQO2SFtYe05_X2qDVAAuydsG6pB3i7GousLE1gDqJGUVp8EWlRRT81sWVnp535jcApxX4EDBM4yY6AV9tc/s1600-h/dotd_usa.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 206px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg3KqsW3ARfAbFhDwstKaW1lBhdGhR-kRjtUw9Y3ys78y9y5-S3nBDuu0BC6MNQO2SFtYe05_X2qDVAAuydsG6pB3i7GousLE1gDqJGUVp8EWlRRT81sWVnp535jcApxX4EDBM4yY6AV9tc/s320/dotd_usa.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5347648994696116130" border="0" /></a><br />1985<br /><br />Written and directed by George A. Romero<br /><br />Starring: Lori Cardille as Sarah, Terry Alexander as John, Joseph Pilato as Capt. Rhodes, Anthony Dileo Jr. as Pvt. Miguel Salazar, Richard Liberty as Dr. Logan, Gary Howard Klar as Pvt. Steel, and Sherman Howard as Bub the Zombie!!<br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0); font-weight: bold;">J-Rock's Review: Yummy!</span><br /><br />The third film in George Romero's original <span style="font-style: italic;">Dead</span> trilogy is probably the weakest, but it's still pretty cool, with plenty of gore and guts and racial slurs. At this point, these movies had become such huge cult hits that Day was released in every single country in the world. Of course in 1985, there were only about 35 countries (thanks to the stupid commies).<br /><br />So to show how big an international phenomenon Day of the Dead created, I've scoured the internet and found a handful of foreign reviews of the movie - enjoy.<br /><br /><u>France</u><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi9QNTTNr5oBeQuP_0fntm0T0_15yJYDoW3kaFpuREOGajD4L4qeCIrjTMRXBP6U-CyxRcdmDW4ctaVOjOT1PvVLEIphHrOWScD85e55JT89OSPLPKBbmDHz4Xg9_jvuJzMbROiCKI9xjrH/s1600-h/dotd_france.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 236px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi9QNTTNr5oBeQuP_0fntm0T0_15yJYDoW3kaFpuREOGajD4L4qeCIrjTMRXBP6U-CyxRcdmDW4ctaVOjOT1PvVLEIphHrOWScD85e55JT89OSPLPKBbmDHz4Xg9_jvuJzMbROiCKI9xjrH/s320/dotd_france.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5347649399502334162" border="0" /></a><br />Je suis le meínoire doux le sous Day of the Dead, deu les Etats-Unis. C'est paix cette lemieux et monde, et con pomme fritte, alouette hebert les habitants du Móntreal. Les pinot noir du bandait nilssonex haceft les gran d'elysesse. Mon cetreaù del "Bub the Zombie" ventré giampitale, un je ne seis quo del lampeaurey! Quiste flambé a la biblitheque, est melange.<br /><br />Au final: Day of the Dead -- mieux de la monde!!<br /><br /><u>Italy</u><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh15KPa9zPjFuHl3ZY03KIDbiwUsyfAjqUIXKPSCVKhRVxnR656rBwgHOUPuJY7ehcBwwdihuJNIVoUlBHEoEFp4q3xF6TTq8Mu3YSzJxH8y3in7qi4QipvuWisalC8yhyphenhyphenHc8XYVsrfiy7S/s1600-h/dotd_italy.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 216px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh15KPa9zPjFuHl3ZY03KIDbiwUsyfAjqUIXKPSCVKhRVxnR656rBwgHOUPuJY7ehcBwwdihuJNIVoUlBHEoEFp4q3xF6TTq8Mu3YSzJxH8y3in7qi4QipvuWisalC8yhyphenhyphenHc8XYVsrfiy7S/s320/dotd_italy.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5347649404549935986" border="0" /></a><br />Quichi delli morti com polli i frigillio, Day of the Dead est buon giorno! Cuesti timopoli desti stutti, al frangile temesti tratilli - squezello di monchitti, hahahaha!<br /><br />Amocciante di la retratti con vivinti sempre ofretti della nichi. Guintissi flimpesto tanto cherubi della peperoncini calinti "Bub the Zombie" - a des veccesi!<br /><br />En finiti: Day of the Dead -- Bellisimo! Manifique! Cest si bonne! Ciao!<br /><br /><u>Spain</u><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEig3ka6-35N3qutO8WeZS9D5VqVjojrAArThBG7nzZeVzt92OqfUZ-1xh7PkiegOBxMMCMPPRcBGHxWAQeI3X4bvA_wWmcsZ0nEr7RC9GYMLjmPTIVYN6mlsj4TIPA7bVtC9BERWaWxHfQk/s1600-h/dotd_spain.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 225px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEig3ka6-35N3qutO8WeZS9D5VqVjojrAArThBG7nzZeVzt92OqfUZ-1xh7PkiegOBxMMCMPPRcBGHxWAQeI3X4bvA_wWmcsZ0nEr7RC9GYMLjmPTIVYN6mlsj4TIPA7bVtC9BERWaWxHfQk/s320/dotd_spain.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5347649406579951842" border="0" /></a><br />El Día de los Muertos es la tercera película en el serie de "Zombies" de George A. Romero. En este capítulo, encontramos a una docena de sobrevivientes viviendo en un base militar abandonado, entre ellos una tropa de soldados. El líder militar se imagina como un dictador, pero sus planes se fallaron cuando el profesor loco hace experimentos en los Zombies, incluyendo el "entrenamiento" de uno llamado Bub the Zombie.<br /><br />Los Estados Unidos es simplemente el mejor país en cuanto a la producción de películas de horror. En esta película las matanzas y violencia son fantásticos, y el humor que Romero siempre infunde a sus obras es perfecto.<br /><br />En sumario, El Día de los Muertos es delicioso!!!<br /><br />More info from IMDb: <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0088993/">Day of the Dead</a>Jonathanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01292419514842686712noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2495647792106907005.post-21646702287898152282004-12-07T16:48:00.004-05:002009-06-17T16:54:48.192-04:00Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer 2 - Mask of Sanity<a style="font-family: trebuchet ms;" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_9BQfDiLi-YqVT-ArBd6eorBMjRZSzC7dhmXsyIRGnezaIXFyp1QwCpUM8fQyBvV2VNauOMhk4snR7vXQdJFJyJfYo-jyJJWIXr0PMtbd8MSUK-GCxrV77LD0XIvHD5kFZd0rBM0CsSFk/s1600-h/henry2_large.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 178px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_9BQfDiLi-YqVT-ArBd6eorBMjRZSzC7dhmXsyIRGnezaIXFyp1QwCpUM8fQyBvV2VNauOMhk4snR7vXQdJFJyJfYo-jyJJWIXr0PMtbd8MSUK-GCxrV77LD0XIvHD5kFZd0rBM0CsSFk/s320/henry2_large.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5348401522233684498" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">That price tag isn't a joke. I really paid $3 for this stupid movie.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">1998</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Written and directed by Chuck Parello</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Starring: Neil Giuntoli as Henry, Rich Komenich (hey, that rhymes!) as Kai, Kate Walsh (hey, she's hot!) as Cricket, and Carri Levinson (hey, she's not!) as Louisa.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 0, 0); font-family: trebuchet ms;">J-Rock's Review: Better than the first one, but still pretty awful. Bonus: Part 2 has boobs!!</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Ah, what a pleasure it is to reunite with someone you haven't seen in a while. Unless that person is a sociopathic drifter who was very loosely based on an actual serial killer (at least in the first movie).</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">I saw the first </span><a style="font-family: trebuchet ms;" href="http://thebadhorrorblog.blogspot.com/1997/09/henry-portrait-of-serial-killer.html"><span style="font-style: italic;">Henry: POASK</span></a><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;"> back in college, so when I saw Part 2 for sale at a soon-to-be-demolished video store on the west side of Stamford, I figured I could part with $2.95 to see some blood and guts and have a few laughs.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Let's just say I'd better hurry if I want to beat the wrecking ball and get a refund.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">OK, maybe I'm being a little overcritical of </span><span style="font-style: italic; font-family: trebuchet ms;">Henry Part 2</span><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">...it actually wasn't that horrible. I'm not saying it was great by any stretch, but it was fairly well-made and had some decent killing. And it had BOOBIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Our story once again centers around Henry (duh), a lonely, angry, smelly, dirty, bitter psychopath. It's been 12 years since the last movie, so let's just assume it's been 12 years since Henry killed anyone. My guess is that in the intervening years, Henry finished his MBA and went to work for Goldman Sachs, where he made a killing on wireless IPOs and landed a huge commission in '97. He bought a brownstone on the Upper East Side, met a nice corporate attorney, and thought he'd settle down. Then the dot-com bubble burst, and Henry lost everything.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">A wanderer once again, Henry ended up in Some Town, where he befriended Kai. Kai lives with his girlfriend (wife?) Cricket, who's a lot hotter than her name would imply, and Louisa, who's actually pretty hot, but because she wears glasses and knows how to read, we're supposed to think she's ugly. I think Louisa is Kai's niece, but I don't really want to watch the movie again to find out. If you really need to know, then you need to get a life.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Kai gets Henry a job--get this--delivering porta-potties to construction sites. I guess this doesn't sit well with the old Hankster; after all, the idea of a man with a college education dragging plastic shitters around is just undignified [Ed. note: the real </span><a style="font-family: trebuchet ms;" href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0524150/">Henry Lee Lucas</a><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;"> never made it past the fifth grade]. Predictably, he starts killing people again. The only one I really remember is a fat guy who slipped something into Henry's beer at a party with Kai and the gang. Henry comes back and strangles the guy. Yippee.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">One interesting sub-plot to this movie is Louisa's inexplicable love for Henry. Not only does he continually rebuff her advances, but HE'S A FUCKING SERIAL KILLER. Even if she didn't actually know his past, it's pretty obvious that the guy's not right, even downright anti-social. They actually briefly make Henry a sympathetic character in this flick - when he starts to feel pity and/or remorse and goes to leave, Louisa threatens to blow her brains out. Henry stays, but then later on, they all come home to find Louisa with a revolver to her head. They try to reason with her (even Henry), but she pulls the trigger and saves us all from more whining. Yippee.</span><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Did I mention the boobies in this movie? Yessiree, Cricket shows them (through an extremely thin white t-shirt) while she's getting it on with Kai. You may recognize Cricket from </span><a style="font-family: trebuchet ms;" href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0111945/"><span style="font-style: italic;">The Drew Carey Show</span></a><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">, where she played Drew's fat girlfriend, and also from </span><a style="font-family: trebuchet ms;" href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0384642/"><span style="font-style: italic;">Kicking and Screaming</span></a><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">, Will Ferrell's youth soccer masterpiece. Fortunately for her, not too many people have seen this movie, or else she wouldn't be getting gigs like </span><span style="font-style: italic; font-family: trebuchet ms;">The Drew Carey Show</span><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">.</span><br /><br /><a style="font-family: trebuchet ms;" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMVjhLMY7tLFt3wvP7WqHPJ_kVU5tk_16Pny-l5K9Zq9fT55Zjg9dz_J327Ek6i38lQwMtfzZQHyEjZ2a58SxX0-mIy-hj-DRjE5zN_m_pt3yZ3SyClqBTUF3MopcdwDI-D7QP_KsOWs1v/s1600-h/kwalsh1.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 214px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMVjhLMY7tLFt3wvP7WqHPJ_kVU5tk_16Pny-l5K9Zq9fT55Zjg9dz_J327Ek6i38lQwMtfzZQHyEjZ2a58SxX0-mIy-hj-DRjE5zN_m_pt3yZ3SyClqBTUF3MopcdwDI-D7QP_KsOWs1v/s320/kwalsh1.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5348402053657193922" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Anyway, </span><span style="font-style: italic; font-family: trebuchet ms;">Henry Part 2</span><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;"> isn't the worst movie you could rent, but there are a lot of better ones. </span><a style="font-family: trebuchet ms;" href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0256415/"><span style="font-style: italic;">Sweet Home Alabama</span></a><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;"> isn't one of them.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">More info from IMDb: </span><a style="font-family: trebuchet ms;" href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0116516/">Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer, Part 2 - Mask of Sanity</a>Jonathanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01292419514842686712noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2495647792106907005.post-40789913158307680422004-06-17T14:46:00.004-04:002009-06-17T15:07:18.953-04:00Dracula (1979)<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg7c4RDSB5T0ikPRNfKaMHRTSi88s4ucPWEdEAk838BAtstdemeo8Y9xTT7mBohuwoCQAiXDuodt6QJt3tkt7LasIgGB1FGRUl1HA7clL9VV4yz8WAcVXiv1YFcjyh7fqDbsiyLnQDm4f0V/s1600-h/dracula.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 174px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg7c4RDSB5T0ikPRNfKaMHRTSi88s4ucPWEdEAk838BAtstdemeo8Y9xTT7mBohuwoCQAiXDuodt6QJt3tkt7LasIgGB1FGRUl1HA7clL9VV4yz8WAcVXiv1YFcjyh7fqDbsiyLnQDm4f0V/s320/dracula.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5348370712237596946" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">1979</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Directed by John Badham (Pretty good sign of a shitty movie: when the director's last name is a combination of "bad" and "ham")</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Starring: "Greasy" Frank Langella as Count Dracula, "Old" Laurence Olivier as Abraham Van Helsing, "Hungry" Donald Pleasance as Dr. Seward, "Awful" Trevor Eve as Jonathan Harker, "Bland" Jan Francis as Mina Van Helsing, and "Kate" Kate Nelligan as Lucy Seward.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:trebuchet ms;" >J-Rock's Review: This movie bites. Get it?</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">First things first, yes I know that the names of the characters listed above seem to be all mixed up. Trust me, you read correctly. And trust me, that's only the beginning of the mess that is this movie.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">And yes, I know that Frank Langella is more "oily" than "greasy."</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">So I guess someone decided to remake Dracula - OK, that's cool. They changed around the story a little bit (thus the mixed-up names of the ladies) - still ok, you know, artistic license. However, the decision to make Dracula into a hairy-chested Italian guy with an American accent is just too much to bear. I mean, I thought Dracula was going to pull up in a Camaro, spray on some Hai Karate, fluff his chest hair, and take Lucy to his Mafioso-esque castle, complete with purple shag carpeting, plastic covers on all the furniture, and huge stone lions by the front door.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">And it doesn't stop there - the movie itself is so dripping with 70's vibe that you expect a disco number to break out halfway through, with Dracula and Van Helsing having a dance-off for Lucy's soul.</span><br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEihxE_k-oEez1kXZW7Y4lSEgw5vgLMLmTyHH2ed5yqf7dmuBFRU7QtWRm6H5j8KoodYSkTX0O6XqztOv2RiKnZ4ssKVslB5-I_arYnNg5RYAFJOdCwBtyvWo45g1BrNTlKRW6tyRHJHZObp/s1600-h/discofever2.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 311px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEihxE_k-oEez1kXZW7Y4lSEgw5vgLMLmTyHH2ed5yqf7dmuBFRU7QtWRm6H5j8KoodYSkTX0O6XqztOv2RiKnZ4ssKVslB5-I_arYnNg5RYAFJOdCwBtyvWo45g1BrNTlKRW6tyRHJHZObp/s320/discofever2.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5348370717080398354" border="0" /></a><span style=";font-family:trebuchet ms;font-size:85%;" >Burn baby burn, undead inferno!!</span><br /></div><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">For example, when Dracula gets it on with Lucy, the movie goes into this ridiculous lava lamp-type of montage thing resembling the open to a Roger Moore Bond movie. I only wish I had screen-grab capability. I am so stone-age when it comes to the interwebs. I bet there are 3rd graders out there that have more high-tech pages than I do. Lemme see what I can get at Best Buy, and I'll get back to you.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Where was I? Oh yeah, Frankula. So yeah, as for the story, it's your basic Dracula story but with a few changes from the book. We still have the now-greasy Count trying to get a piece of Mina and Lucy's tight young asses, except in this one, he offs Mina and tries to make Lucy his bitch, I mean bride. Jonathan Harker is engaged to Lucy in this version, and is also a total sissy. Plus he has awful 70's helmet hair. (Right now I am so wishing that I had screen-grabs.)</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">As for Donald Pleasance and Sir Laurence Olivier, these two could have done so much better. I mean, Donald was freakin' <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0077651/">Dr. Loomis</a>, and Laurence was in <a style="font-style: italic;" href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0032976/">Rebecca</a>, <a style="font-style: italic;" href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0054331/">Spartacus</a>, and <a style="font-style: italic;" href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0049674/">Richard III</a>.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">I'm guessing that Donnieboy did the movie mainly for the food - the guy is eating in almost every scene (I'd show you screen-grabs if I could - what a loser I am).</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">But then again, a check's a check, and I'd be lying if I said I wouldn't take any movie role that came along if I weren't acting at the time.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">But then again, I'm not an actor - at least not since my stirring turn as "Dead Special Student #7" in <a style="font-style: italic;" href="http://thebadhorrorblog.blogspot.com/2003/08/citizen-toxie-toxic-avenger-part-iv.html">Citizen Toxie</a>.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">So basically, this movie doesn't <span style="font-style: italic;">totally </span>blow. It just pretty much blows.</span><br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiAvet_EW6OtTy2cReU8V2v1d9ArO6UQTy9v8y1VB_R8vALbjjKpdnkq2_Hoc0Bz4Nf72zx3UgrE2zGu0OzbVgc-4EO9DgExX9xLLw87QtMJwHlfjQeTUHLU_5hsyEDAcnEk7gnZGWATxMR/s1600-h/frank.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 259px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiAvet_EW6OtTy2cReU8V2v1d9ArO6UQTy9v8y1VB_R8vALbjjKpdnkq2_Hoc0Bz4Nf72zx3UgrE2zGu0OzbVgc-4EO9DgExX9xLLw87QtMJwHlfjQeTUHLU_5hsyEDAcnEk7gnZGWATxMR/s320/frank.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5348370717307256194" border="0" /></a><span style=";font-family:trebuchet ms;font-size:85%;" >Come to me...you are powerless before my hair...</span><br /></div><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">IMDb: <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0079073/">Dracula</a></span><a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0079073/"><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"></span></a>Jonathanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01292419514842686712noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2495647792106907005.post-41592534389251368592004-04-27T16:36:00.006-04:002009-06-10T16:42:42.043-04:00Dawn of the Dead (2004)<a style="font-family: trebuchet ms;" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgzIr2hgTCg_tJG94nGVj_MYprGE4T-gh0N5FJW_q_1vp7YVMgUqsYpcXZyB-SGfIM49DY3kMFVcEWWlbHIIWwwDZGcWIALe5RAbGC6OXJYeHlJQZB0NqeFUAZaYxHS9dRKNHar9v5s7pOF/s1600-h/dawnsmall.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 217px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgzIr2hgTCg_tJG94nGVj_MYprGE4T-gh0N5FJW_q_1vp7YVMgUqsYpcXZyB-SGfIM49DY3kMFVcEWWlbHIIWwwDZGcWIALe5RAbGC6OXJYeHlJQZB0NqeFUAZaYxHS9dRKNHar9v5s7pOF/s320/dawnsmall.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5345801163481422210" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">2004</span><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Directed by Zack Snyder</span><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Starring: Sarah Polley as Ana, Ving Rhames as Kenneth, Jake Weber as Michael, Mekhi Phifer as Andre, and hundreds upon hundreds of upon hundreds upon hundreds of people as, you know, the dead.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 0, 0); font-family: trebuchet ms;">J-Rock's Review: When there's no more room in hell, I will still go see this movie.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Well well well, a remake of 1978's classic </span><span style="font-style: italic; font-family: trebuchet ms;">Dawn of the Dead</span><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">. You might think to yourself, "Self, why would anyone want to try to remake 1978's </span><span style="font-style: italic; font-family: trebuchet ms;">classic Dawn of the Dead</span><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">?" Well I'll tell you - because it's awesome!!!</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">First allow me to point out that many great and wonderful things were created in 1978, the most important among them being me. Now if someone were to say to me, "Hey, I can make a new version of you, only with more death and gore and less social commentary," what do you think I would say? Answer:</span><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;font-size:180%;" ><span style="font-style: italic;">FUCK YEAH!!!!</span></span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">But back to the movie. This new version of </span><span style="font-style: italic; font-family: trebuchet ms;">Dawn</span><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;"> is about as straightforward a remake as you can make (or is it remake?). They basically took the same idea as the original, tweaked the characters and situations slightly, added a shitload more death and dismemberment - and even some tits - and made a kick-ass movie!</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">For those of you who have been living under a rock or are barricaded inside a mall in Wisconsin, here's a quick synopsis of the story: Dead people are coming back to life. A group of people barricade themselves inside a mall in Wisconsin. Killing ensues.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Another great thing about this movie is that unlike the shitty, low-budget, low-class </span><span style="font-style: italic; font-family: trebuchet ms;">Return of the Living Dead</span><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;"> series, the </span><span style="font-style: italic; font-family: trebuchet ms;">Dawn</span><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;"> remake was made with George Romero's blessing!</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Oh yeah, boob factor!! There are a few quick shots when the scumbag yuppie guy Steve is filming himself and his girlfriend screwing in the mall, but that's about it. But let's not ignore the fact that Jane Polley is hot.</span><br /><br /><a style="font-family: trebuchet ms;" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi6I1ZFnZnUmBvFYWDF1MPknoH0pjYvpKdQSByVFfArz-4Z410t5xy0eb6qO0MG9JKXxuSuqIQk6Lv2BU1SbIAHvAahPwJ7Xg8XMtonjc7x-aa67C7c0sm55CrL0P5pxKoSEXL72kTP0Ty9/s1600-h/polley.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 209px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi6I1ZFnZnUmBvFYWDF1MPknoH0pjYvpKdQSByVFfArz-4Z410t5xy0eb6qO0MG9JKXxuSuqIQk6Lv2BU1SbIAHvAahPwJ7Xg8XMtonjc7x-aa67C7c0sm55CrL0P5pxKoSEXL72kTP0Ty9/s320/polley.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5345802015847433250" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">When you're done staring at her boobs, here's yer IMDb link: </span><a style="font-family: trebuchet ms;" href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0363547/">Dawn of the Dead</a>Jonathanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01292419514842686712noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2495647792106907005.post-66219014810662202692004-04-12T16:26:00.005-04:002009-06-17T16:33:51.642-04:00Hellboy<a style="font-family: trebuchet ms;" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi21wmjWioM0J8XcgDY_9f5twDtmtqOWf43tN7_TXWHQM8EENhZspmM4652kAkM6nkpJCTWoVpsroLoSC-fWapywwTQrISuLlBV_LAZMIyCdriSkGVrIk3Rz_gN1FD5gX3sXikPIfd4NCoD/s1600-h/hellboy2.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 216px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi21wmjWioM0J8XcgDY_9f5twDtmtqOWf43tN7_TXWHQM8EENhZspmM4652kAkM6nkpJCTWoVpsroLoSC-fWapywwTQrISuLlBV_LAZMIyCdriSkGVrIk3Rz_gN1FD5gX3sXikPIfd4NCoD/s320/hellboy2.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5348395912822556978" border="0" /></a><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">2004</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Written and directed by Guillermo del Toro (English translation: Bill of the Bull - weird, huh?)</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Starring: Ron Perlman as Hellboy, John Hurt (ouch!) as Professor Broom, Selma Blair as Liz Sherman, and Rupert Evans as John Myers</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 0, 0); font-family: trebuchet ms;">J-Rock's Review:</span><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;"> </span><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;font-size:180%;" ><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!</span></span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">OK, so Hellboy isn't technically a horror movie, but it is in the general vein of cool, sci-fi type flicks that I like, and I know my loyal readers are into.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic; font-family: trebuchet ms;">Hellboy</span><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;"> was friggin' awesome - I've never read the comics, so I was coming in totally fresh, and I was totally blown away. It's about a demon who was brought through from another dark dimension by the Nazis, but is raised to fight for the good guys. He even files down his huge horns in order to "fit in" - but that's gonna be tough seeing as he's 6'5" and bright friggin' red.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Hellboy and his cohorts are called into action to stop the nefarious (cool word) plots of a very old yet somehow spry Gregori Rasputin, who wants to unlock the door to the demon world and destroy ours. Hellboy and pals win of course, and there is much rejoicing.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">I am such a huge fan of Hellboy that instead of making you read a whole page of my gushings about the movie, I thought it would be a cool treat to hear what some other famous superheroes from television and film have to say about "HB." Enjoy, but remember that the opinions expressed are those of the guest expressing them, and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of anyone at J-Rock's Horror Page. With that out of the way, here we go...</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold; font-family: trebuchet ms;">Wonder Woman (Lynda Carter)</span><br /><br /><a style="font-family: trebuchet ms;" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgbd0MGs6yRO-oBWRHyE0mtz3Wv3KZS5Rle6O6mq6GSr2YovpvI01-uEtJNL5SvUriWVW2ue-brCNhlpTEKKtH8kGZHY6KzP4gbMECMFEoXGWQTmfiGvdZ0v6GuCtXauo1fCBIEHlWeerjj/s1600-h/wonderwoman.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 225px; height: 280px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgbd0MGs6yRO-oBWRHyE0mtz3Wv3KZS5Rle6O6mq6GSr2YovpvI01-uEtJNL5SvUriWVW2ue-brCNhlpTEKKtH8kGZHY6KzP4gbMECMFEoXGWQTmfiGvdZ0v6GuCtXauo1fCBIEHlWeerjj/s320/wonderwoman.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5348396418602503218" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Wow, Hellboy - that's a name that takes me back, back before those 1-800-CONTACTS commercials, before </span><a style="font-family: trebuchet ms;" href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0117627/"><span style="font-style: italic;">She Woke Up Pregnan</span></a><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">t, even before marrying Robert Altman.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">I knew Hellboy back before that bitch Lucy Lawless stole my "dark-haired Amazon princess" bit. God I hate her. By Hera's name, I swear that I, Diana, daughter of Hippolyta, Princess of the Amazons, will have my revenge on Lucy Lawless, the usurper and pretender to my crown!!! I will reclaim my rightful place at ComicCon 2004!!! The womanless geeks will drool over me, Me, ME!!! Bwahahahahahaha!!!</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold; font-family: trebuchet ms;">Supergirl (Helen Slater)</span><br /><br /><a style="font-family: trebuchet ms;" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg61LMADF5YmLLC-py1CI8UEA-GMskeGVsukucVQ3UF3_gpk6iWvASiErP3FyOcABrzy6azfTVnjOlt2_aRy7JOaCRIvzkO6kYM5Pp6AOthzwIHXEpgiTREVy5PHOP9YffZq3mxppRuTg1L/s1600-h/helen1.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 230px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg61LMADF5YmLLC-py1CI8UEA-GMskeGVsukucVQ3UF3_gpk6iWvASiErP3FyOcABrzy6azfTVnjOlt2_aRy7JOaCRIvzkO6kYM5Pp6AOthzwIHXEpgiTREVy5PHOP9YffZq3mxppRuTg1L/s320/helen1.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5348396646324463778" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Wow, where do I start? To start off, Hellboy is a really nice guy. Most people are put off by his appearance, but let me tell you, he's a softie at heart. He'll do anything for a friend.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Oh, one more thing: his tail is most definitely prehensile...</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold; font-family: trebuchet ms;">The Greatest American Hero (some blonde guy)</span><br /><br /><a style="font-family: trebuchet ms;" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjEkNdbrMcdFgL_ZplbCTGjIGiwRL2MEQ8MGZJkrp9zR2tyfFWFdLvwz0A4vEGgkDBETU4PPrpGDmUyea1eTIFBqxPgOKLkQKbbTBVut_e42ER4BGhASPSpBIy3QNi1skf8ugwOo6YAU1uy/s1600-h/katt.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 225px; height: 285px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjEkNdbrMcdFgL_ZplbCTGjIGiwRL2MEQ8MGZJkrp9zR2tyfFWFdLvwz0A4vEGgkDBETU4PPrpGDmUyea1eTIFBqxPgOKLkQKbbTBVut_e42ER4BGhASPSpBIy3QNi1skf8ugwOo6YAU1uy/s320/katt.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5348396803355456050" border="0" /></a><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">OK, I'm ready - here we go...</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">William Katt, reading for the part of Witness number 2: Yes, I saw what happened here. It was murder. How was that, pretty good? Great? Oh wow thanks!</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">OK, what's next? OK, here goes - I love Hellboy. Best movie I've seen all year - he kicks butt!</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Wait a second. What is this? This doesn't sound like the right script. Hell-who? What am I doing here? I thought you told me this was an audition for </span><span style="font-style: italic; font-family: trebuchet ms;">Law & Order: Criminal Intent</span><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">! What the fuck? Yes, I'm that guy from </span><span style="font-style: italic; font-family: trebuchet ms;">Greatest American Hero</span><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">, what about it? You want me to talk about who? I've never heard of Helltoy! There aren't even any free donuts like you promised.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">I'm a serious actor, I'll have you know. I was in </span><a style="font-family: trebuchet ms;" href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0320483/"><span style="font-style: italic;">Snake Island</span></a><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;"> and </span><a style="font-family: trebuchet ms;" href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0114137/"><span style="font-style: italic;">Piranha</span></a><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">. Oh, well you probably never heard of them because you've got no artistic taste!</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">I'm out of here - where's the door? And where are my damn donuts!</span><br /><br /><hr style="font-family: trebuchet ms;"><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">That went well...anyway, here's your IMDB link:</span> <a style="font-family: trebuchet ms;" href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0167190/">Hellboy</a>Jonathanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01292419514842686712noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2495647792106907005.post-35958775570754745862003-09-26T16:20:00.007-04:002009-06-10T16:36:52.033-04:00Cold Creek Manor & Underworld<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh7qvuZqNZDB01oDw3eaMi5mRJUs2qKn1tzJbJUcGjtu_wNcbDwxjbr59M5ZVK5vKcK66ZVUwViiB7lHe57muFpQemhiOYDYU8xX2choYQuEosYFGGeLMToqOVzLZf4h9Xj8xOY-oAhNTVW/s1600-h/underworld.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 135px; height: 200px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh7qvuZqNZDB01oDw3eaMi5mRJUs2qKn1tzJbJUcGjtu_wNcbDwxjbr59M5ZVK5vKcK66ZVUwViiB7lHe57muFpQemhiOYDYU8xX2choYQuEosYFGGeLMToqOVzLZf4h9Xj8xOY-oAhNTVW/s200/underworld.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5345799237788624738" border="0" /></a><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgTVuCOkqFkhiIykIHUt5dShZogL4XCte9UYtgR8pPfJzOQBloPrxzARfuBlC_iAVu9JXjizxgKrlmEYzldPdvBfwquWvuTH0uVelYCv0DjzwfYSDDGiUUAN0sfe8LuhcpHb3JBURWgwbeo/s1600-h/coldcreekmanor.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 135px; height: 200px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgTVuCOkqFkhiIykIHUt5dShZogL4XCte9UYtgR8pPfJzOQBloPrxzARfuBlC_iAVu9JXjizxgKrlmEYzldPdvBfwquWvuTH0uVelYCv0DjzwfYSDDGiUUAN0sfe8LuhcpHb3JBURWgwbeo/s200/coldcreekmanor.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5345799238837298642" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />2003</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">J-Rock's Review:</span> <span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Boooooooring</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">This is a double review for two reasons - first, I saw these movies in the same night. Second, neither one deserves its own review.</span> <span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">I'll start with CCM, and unfortunately, I'm not talking about the company that makes hockey skates, nor am I talking about CCR - Big wheel keep on turnin'! Nope, I'm talking about </span><span style="font-style: italic;font-family:trebuchet ms;" >Cold Creek Manor</span><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">.</span> <span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">This movie sucked. Sucked big-time. I don't mean the usual poor production qualities, stupid plot, bad acting kind of suck. It sucked worse than that. I mean Pauly Shore-type sucking. Did you ever try "Reduced Fat Twinkies"? I did - and yeah, this movie sucks even worse than they do. Sucksucksucksucksuck. Nothing good to mention at all. Suckity-suck-suck-suck.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Oh yeah, what's it about? It's about this family who moves from NYC to the sticks. The father buys a huge old mansion and starts to fix it up. He starts finding ridiculously obvious clues pointing to the fact that the family who lived there before was murdered, but somehow manages to remain completely oblivious. So he hires the local psycho redneck guy (Stephen Dorff) to do some work around the property - and even after Dorf beats up Randy Quaid in a bar, Randy has no clue. Dwarf starts threatening the family because the property originally belonged to his family - but Randy is still in the fucking dark. Oh yeah, the daughter's horse ends up in the pool at some point. And then Randy Quaid throws Worf off the roof. Stupid shit movie - don't watch it. Not even on TBS.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">As for Underworld, it's got a cool idea - vampires and werewolves have been at war for 600 years through the streets and shadows of England. However, the movie is too long, and it becomes so confusing that you have no idea who is a vampire, who is a werewolf, who is a vampwolf, and who is a werepire. OK, that's not the only problem - there's also the fact that EVERY SINGLE PERSON wears a black leather jacket, further confusing the viewing audience.<br /><br />One funny story about this movie - after seeing Cold Crap Manure, we walked into the theater we thought was showing </span><span style="font-style: italic;font-family:trebuchet ms;" >Underworld</span><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">, when suddenly </span><span style="font-style: italic;font-family:trebuchet ms;" >The Rundown</span><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"> came on. Ugh. Nothing kills your movie like using XFL footage in the first five minutes. XFL!! Needless to say, we realized something was wrong, so we walked around until we found the right theater.</span> <span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"><br /><br />Boob factor:</span> <span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">CCM - none. </span> <span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Underworld - none.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">IMDb links:</span><span style="text-decoration: underline;"><br /></span><a style="font-family: trebuchet ms;" href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0331468/">Cold Creek Manor</a><br /><a style="font-family: trebuchet ms;" href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0320691/">Underworld</a>Jonathanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01292419514842686712noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2495647792106907005.post-81603115748279066962003-09-14T13:49:00.000-04:002009-06-10T13:55:15.569-04:00Cabin Fever<a style="font-family: trebuchet ms;" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjH0acjvHZTdA5E55m9xLO9wFs8_6JXoc4E11jN5Io3cJWDOjxVlOyPka4fnfGxOPeIwqVwHXQ-eaAJV_AppkmeUCQuEr46DqZ50Bl_MYUnJ61zf2EeNjyjf8puy9bKrbj9jZ_zUGU-aYCc/s1600-h/cabin_fever.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 224px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjH0acjvHZTdA5E55m9xLO9wFs8_6JXoc4E11jN5Io3cJWDOjxVlOyPka4fnfGxOPeIwqVwHXQ-eaAJV_AppkmeUCQuEr46DqZ50Bl_MYUnJ61zf2EeNjyjf8puy9bKrbj9jZ_zUGU-aYCc/s320/cabin_fever.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5345758751573815394" border="0" /></a><br /><div style="text-align: left; font-family: trebuchet ms;">2002<br /></div><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Directed by: Eli Roth</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Starring: Rider Strong, Jordan Ladd, Joey Kern, Cerina Vincent, and James DeBello</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">J-Rock's Review:</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Don't catch the fever!</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Based on the previews and stuff, this movie promised to be bloody and hideously gory. Um, they lied. Cabin Fever is just a confusing, pointless amateurish film.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Basic plot - some annoying unlikable college-age kids go off to a remote cabin to party, and a hermit shows up with a nasty skin virus. One of the kids gets the nasty rash-thing, so they lock her in a shed so she doesn't infect the others, but they all start getting sick anyway, whether from drinking the water or touching the sick girl or fucking. It's kind of like how they used to think that you could catch AIDS from sharing a glass or kissing someone who had it.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Anyway, there are a lot of totally pointless and useless scenes in this movie, including a redneck kid who sits on the porch of the general store and bites people, and a hillbilly cop who just wants to find some parties.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Cabin Fever is supposed to be a dark comedy, but the problem is that it isn't funny or clever. It could've been a pretty good movie if they had gone with the whole idea of people turning on each other for fear of becoming infected, but the script just goes all over the place.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Boob factor: there are some boobies in Cabin Fever - Cerina Vincent, who played Areola in </span><span style="font-style: italic;font-family:trebuchet ms;" >Not Another Teen Movie</span><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">, shows her nice big boobies in two sex scenes.</span><br /><br /><a style="font-family: trebuchet ms;" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjb0pj3Xqvqrb6kM4sl_fO_DvvEK7G5bJ35ZOBzaRDKmzOf8LVCn-GGpegwojauFATR952hcLd7XitW7irvfDcO7clT6YKzX4wx0lOA-C7v-HMxuYHYLNC0GqMokOWJ8Izlumj65-bwKnDH/s1600-h/cabinfever_CerinaVincent2.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 205px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjb0pj3Xqvqrb6kM4sl_fO_DvvEK7G5bJ35ZOBzaRDKmzOf8LVCn-GGpegwojauFATR952hcLd7XitW7irvfDcO7clT6YKzX4wx0lOA-C7v-HMxuYHYLNC0GqMokOWJ8Izlumj65-bwKnDH/s320/cabinfever_CerinaVincent2.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5345758603546290082" border="0" /></a><br /><a style="font-family: trebuchet ms;" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj9I1ozduViMOA0VD5r-ACM_7bACRz7XURk8ver9taNh9nODlB5xZ-JM60jRW4J-quGYuOrWKRFJOO3QlNFNdLtifKQz9byUFhhrhu9wHgxcCCHO_asueautcZC6FQf5wbSP3n_zEVWtaDF/s1600-h/cabinfever_CerinaVincent1.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 191px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj9I1ozduViMOA0VD5r-ACM_7bACRz7XURk8ver9taNh9nODlB5xZ-JM60jRW4J-quGYuOrWKRFJOO3QlNFNdLtifKQz9byUFhhrhu9wHgxcCCHO_asueautcZC6FQf5wbSP3n_zEVWtaDF/s320/cabinfever_CerinaVincent1.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5345758599284249282" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">IMDB link: </span><a style="font-family: trebuchet ms;" href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0303816/">Cabin Fever</a>Jonathanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01292419514842686712noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2495647792106907005.post-62659426118914716852003-09-03T14:01:00.030-04:002009-06-10T14:20:30.539-04:00Cat People<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjs7517PIf92dj3cJpSXd7-X8V1dSePsY0ZEy60XY5VdLPRZGsTGK5pkbzmsqKQh_SSxSnpVOTDedheLsX-W7s7cEq_ynxOMlFnwfZ2p21i6HNZgMhBJEeaXdEcYEYKitfv3pfCtsIS5RJI/s1600-h/catpeopleuk.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 181px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjs7517PIf92dj3cJpSXd7-X8V1dSePsY0ZEy60XY5VdLPRZGsTGK5pkbzmsqKQh_SSxSnpVOTDedheLsX-W7s7cEq_ynxOMlFnwfZ2p21i6HNZgMhBJEeaXdEcYEYKitfv3pfCtsIS5RJI/s320/catpeopleuk.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5345760936510359522" border="0" /></a>1982<br />Directed by: Paul Schrader<br />Starring: Nastassja Kinky-I mean Kinski, Malcolm McDowell, John Heard, and Annette O'Toole<br /><br />J-Rock's Review:<br />Boobies! Boobies! Boobies! (and bush!)<br /><br />This movie was ponderously slow and very boring, but it had lots of<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiJFOvT0ZQPOpBDHUWqSVb3Dw9L4ea3W4BYkESAZQ0nst2yVSGWmb1fiVEEojOpL_lUKTsgh9p4aD32cO6yu1IZmJFcURLzXJaQXh8YcyMt0W2qx2NWYex8WOF9YrGAv-XT58RJYewAreaG/s1600-h/blue-tit.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 180px; height: 190px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiJFOvT0ZQPOpBDHUWqSVb3Dw9L4ea3W4BYkESAZQ0nst2yVSGWmb1fiVEEojOpL_lUKTsgh9p4aD32cO6yu1IZmJFcURLzXJaQXh8YcyMt0W2qx2NWYex8WOF9YrGAv-XT58RJYewAreaG/s320/blue-tit.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5345761980871280690" border="0" /></a><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiJFOvT0ZQPOpBDHUWqSVb3Dw9L4ea3W4BYkESAZQ0nst2yVSGWmb1fiVEEojOpL_lUKTsgh9p4aD32cO6yu1IZmJFcURLzXJaQXh8YcyMt0W2qx2NWYex8WOF9YrGAv-XT58RJYewAreaG/s1600-h/blue-tit.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 180px; height: 190px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiJFOvT0ZQPOpBDHUWqSVb3Dw9L4ea3W4BYkESAZQ0nst2yVSGWmb1fiVEEojOpL_lUKTsgh9p4aD32cO6yu1IZmJFcURLzXJaQXh8YcyMt0W2qx2NWYex8WOF9YrGAv-XT58RJYewAreaG/s320/blue-tit.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5345761980871280690" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><br /><br />plus some<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEif-GYp23R4dWf2skj4P-_adBPs5jPHILJ3FZfNqyGx6iksMt071RenofbBXFIS5TwXhodX1HFFARZO2lHivA6iTDQjrACbwaJR0r4x_06lia-GNtZZiNwM00CmJCs-egag5u1TrikJjp0d/s1600-h/bush1.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 200px; height: 235px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEif-GYp23R4dWf2skj4P-_adBPs5jPHILJ3FZfNqyGx6iksMt071RenofbBXFIS5TwXhodX1HFFARZO2lHivA6iTDQjrACbwaJR0r4x_06lia-GNtZZiNwM00CmJCs-egag5u1TrikJjp0d/s320/bush1.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5345762682852527058" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />When I was 14 this was the kind of movie I'd tape off Cinemax and watch again and again and again and again until the tape (or my arm) wore out.<br /><br />As for the story, Nastassja Kinski and Malcolm McDowell are a brother and sister who turn into panthers after they have sex, because their ancestors sacrificed women to the felines, and the two races somehow interbred. There's even one creepy scene where McDowell tries to convince his sister to have sex with him, because that's the only way they can do it without changing into murderous panthers. Oh yeah, there are a few killings in the movie, including a hilarious scene where the McDowell-panther rips a zookeeper's arm off at the shoulder.<br /><br />Wait there's more! Not only do you see Nastassja's<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgDB9-3Zeoe8qTCJAI-sDCGNiu_LAAP6jw_2jezelXlKK08gAZ0HnqqJbVJBGe-QNjeXuVKf3fov-NGgZ2uFjte7qIXvifdsKRbFSRdkGN8m2O4FFX1azMDVIhcVJIdAUXzti8_TGPgS2uL/s1600-h/doorknocker1.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 85px; height: 125px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgDB9-3Zeoe8qTCJAI-sDCGNiu_LAAP6jw_2jezelXlKK08gAZ0HnqqJbVJBGe-QNjeXuVKf3fov-NGgZ2uFjte7qIXvifdsKRbFSRdkGN8m2O4FFX1azMDVIhcVJIdAUXzti8_TGPgS2uL/s320/doorknocker1.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5345762957152919186" border="0" /></a><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgDB9-3Zeoe8qTCJAI-sDCGNiu_LAAP6jw_2jezelXlKK08gAZ0HnqqJbVJBGe-QNjeXuVKf3fov-NGgZ2uFjte7qIXvifdsKRbFSRdkGN8m2O4FFX1azMDVIhcVJIdAUXzti8_TGPgS2uL/s1600-h/doorknocker1.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 85px; height: 125px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgDB9-3Zeoe8qTCJAI-sDCGNiu_LAAP6jw_2jezelXlKK08gAZ0HnqqJbVJBGe-QNjeXuVKf3fov-NGgZ2uFjte7qIXvifdsKRbFSRdkGN8m2O4FFX1azMDVIhcVJIdAUXzti8_TGPgS2uL/s320/doorknocker1.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5345762957152919186" border="0" /></a><br /><br />and<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh306E0VXgmqxjzW6NaBiaL0M2DK-qWzgPh1ewGWqTRQ-UHppf5FUABvKtZXR-gPqc7ukaDStFiY4q9Gcceia18NGeo3rtC-JK7nA8OOfV2dvBqXPwLg1LByGkLND8Smpi7rDl1HfZeZ9_B/s1600-h/hair.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 150px; height: 150px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh306E0VXgmqxjzW6NaBiaL0M2DK-qWzgPh1ewGWqTRQ-UHppf5FUABvKtZXR-gPqc7ukaDStFiY4q9Gcceia18NGeo3rtC-JK7nA8OOfV2dvBqXPwLg1LByGkLND8Smpi7rDl1HfZeZ9_B/s320/hair.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5345763165585056178" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiomgc49oVtAX22l5BRPjrasr5am3VB1FhyKyR935nssbVSC77ti7vxIomJGCYSGrHkdP3zb7e377ycaQIFfJdAEUxKElxbPpn3fs1sZF9HBafZZOvLr5zIwCg0_AQr32oCT_S6jb8LQg6t/s1600-h/pie.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 169px; height: 100px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiomgc49oVtAX22l5BRPjrasr5am3VB1FhyKyR935nssbVSC77ti7vxIomJGCYSGrHkdP3zb7e377ycaQIFfJdAEUxKElxbPpn3fs1sZF9HBafZZOvLr5zIwCg0_AQr32oCT_S6jb8LQg6t/s320/pie.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5345763167033273714" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />in this movie, but you can also see Annette O'Toole's<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhbvVzqDKZya1sDlwE1D2NAdDFb6y38Txzk8iGUBJy4ATdFFjF-n0n83X2be_KjAhdPiaewtpf8wyTks2n61JKC7rqlw395B-Z_n9TfBtdXxPlpWjOPpSWIL7sJ1YhzScwiSfSUoGLPRACq/s1600-h/5galjug.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 139px; height: 200px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhbvVzqDKZya1sDlwE1D2NAdDFb6y38Txzk8iGUBJy4ATdFFjF-n0n83X2be_KjAhdPiaewtpf8wyTks2n61JKC7rqlw395B-Z_n9TfBtdXxPlpWjOPpSWIL7sJ1YhzScwiSfSUoGLPRACq/s320/5galjug.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5345763366301252498" border="0" /></a><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhbvVzqDKZya1sDlwE1D2NAdDFb6y38Txzk8iGUBJy4ATdFFjF-n0n83X2be_KjAhdPiaewtpf8wyTks2n61JKC7rqlw395B-Z_n9TfBtdXxPlpWjOPpSWIL7sJ1YhzScwiSfSUoGLPRACq/s1600-h/5galjug.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 139px; height: 200px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhbvVzqDKZya1sDlwE1D2NAdDFb6y38Txzk8iGUBJy4ATdFFjF-n0n83X2be_KjAhdPiaewtpf8wyTks2n61JKC7rqlw395B-Z_n9TfBtdXxPlpWjOPpSWIL7sJ1YhzScwiSfSUoGLPRACq/s320/5galjug.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5345763366301252498" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />- that's right, Clark Kent's mom on Smallville shows off her nice<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg7Mg8rtOPEv0FsEbFfvYz3n7CQ-GCOLYILlzqbFvoXz90PPEbdU8ebWiUTkyarQoW6zMeFSZeXUbQ3QrOIaXmXzslCuCFkMuyXsTREr6zSxaBc_wYHE1VC_VtBqW-0jUS5S2RbaeY5of-m/s1600-h/shoerack.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 183px; height: 200px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg7Mg8rtOPEv0FsEbFfvYz3n7CQ-GCOLYILlzqbFvoXz90PPEbdU8ebWiUTkyarQoW6zMeFSZeXUbQ3QrOIaXmXzslCuCFkMuyXsTREr6zSxaBc_wYHE1VC_VtBqW-0jUS5S2RbaeY5of-m/s320/shoerack.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5345763495282877138" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />in this flick. That alone is worth the price of admission.<br /><br />Other than the <a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgflMhSSHOjwGWsZYq7I6xFM6PpI2zrRb8C16OsBb6oozR3miwpsfJt0vQObZHpojrWxyZAp6QrwiCNoW7vCNyWCi4KuXA5gXBrACraxL8iXIGId30Xpi7WbM6dlAkBH-T_omRlcKauRzc_/s1600-h/boobies.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 200px; height: 150px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgflMhSSHOjwGWsZYq7I6xFM6PpI2zrRb8C16OsBb6oozR3miwpsfJt0vQObZHpojrWxyZAp6QrwiCNoW7vCNyWCi4KuXA5gXBrACraxL8iXIGId30Xpi7WbM6dlAkBH-T_omRlcKauRzc_/s320/boobies.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5345763718731497826" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><br />and <a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjNgWY5quvTqDa8K0ljVsHK69jZyejCQpjA0f2IAs2GtTvmHwduVAdD4duMmyvTbt7VK-feDtzHvbsVvUZQRSdXU37nehs_9uyPy_zMglG3x_JBjjpujWD3_O-ZzN13VJ9UAjOQ-BIomFTB/s1600-h/bush2.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 220px; height: 202px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjNgWY5quvTqDa8K0ljVsHK69jZyejCQpjA0f2IAs2GtTvmHwduVAdD4duMmyvTbt7VK-feDtzHvbsVvUZQRSdXU37nehs_9uyPy_zMglG3x_JBjjpujWD3_O-ZzN13VJ9UAjOQ-BIomFTB/s320/bush2.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5345763723116868034" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="font-style: italic;"><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />Cat People</span> is pretty pointless.<br /><br />IMDB link: <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0083722/">Cat People</a>Jonathanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01292419514842686712noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2495647792106907005.post-42455074805191958412003-08-21T16:14:00.002-04:002009-06-10T16:17:45.941-04:00Citizen Toxie: The Toxic Avenger Part IV<a style="font-family: trebuchet ms;" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj7bUBmjeZbFoMHLSKmD9uSOp-h67fc3X6NmFW8YsHP8cgpl1xU4NFmeJWDAMTAlCRamQUaJl_YwvqungdZSXQoU9agij6-2BPSqRKDi3Oxv-ZyeHBp_Zpy2j0HSzx-6PYXGf4WFn7HapLp/s1600-h/citizentoxie.gif"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 175px; height: 238px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj7bUBmjeZbFoMHLSKmD9uSOp-h67fc3X6NmFW8YsHP8cgpl1xU4NFmeJWDAMTAlCRamQUaJl_YwvqungdZSXQoU9agij6-2BPSqRKDi3Oxv-ZyeHBp_Zpy2j0HSzx-6PYXGf4WFn7HapLp/s320/citizentoxie.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5345795188762842434" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">It's a joke on Citizen Kane, get it? Oh yeah, it's not funny.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">2000</span><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Directed by: Lloyd Kaufman</span><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Starring: David Mattey, Debbie Rochon, Trent Haaga, and American icon and my personal hero RON JEREMY!!!</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">J-Rock's Review:</span><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Ugh. An awful movie from beginning to end.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">I love the original Toxic Avenger - I've watched that movie countless times, and it never gets old - because it was gross, irreverent, offensive, and funny. I guess in the intervening years, the folks at Troma forgot about that last one, because Citizen Toxie is not funny. Not at all. Not one funny joke.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">I'm not some stupid parent who hates violence and foul humor, and complains about the content of the shows and movies their kid watches, instead of actually taking responsibility and monitoring what their stupid kid is watching - I mean, I love sophomoric and offensive humor and poop jokes, but only if they're funny! For example, two rednecks (one of whom is played by Mitch Cohen, the star of the first movie) drag a black man behind their truck until all that's left is a head - granted, it's so stupid and over-the-top as to almost be funny - but the only problem is that the crime being recreated happened years ago, which in today's age of MSNBC and Fox News, where headlines disappear as fast as American Idol winners, might as well have been the Mesozoic Era.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">In case you're still reading, here's a quick plot summary - Toxie and Lardass (his new sidekick - what the?) rush into the Tromaville School for Special Students to save the tards, I mean special students, from the "Diaper Mafia." Yes, the Diaper Mafia, a take-off of the "trenchcoat mafia" killers from Columbine. Congratulations Troma on another timely joke.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">A bomb explodes, which sends Toxie (along with 2 retards - damn it, I did it again!) into Amortville - and at the same time, sends the Noxious Offender into Tromaville. Parallel realities, get it? The plot then revolves around both men wreaking havoc in their opposite realities, and some other stuff where Toxie's wife Sarah is pregnant with 2 babies, one from each monster.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Now the story sounds OK on paper, with some hilarious possible situations and jokes, but in its execution the movie is just a jumble of disjointed, poorly conceived scenes replete with bad edits, not to mention a snail-turd's pace, helped along by incessant "Tromaville News" updates that are supposed to further the plot.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Even Ron Jeremy (as the mayor of Tromaville) can't save this shit-fest.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Ugh. Only see it if you are a die-hard Troma fan, and I know there are some out there, the same that rave about </span><span style="font-style: italic; font-family: trebuchet ms;">Tromeo & Juliet</span><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">, another directionless, confusing, stupid Troma crapfest.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">IMDB link: </span><a style="font-family: trebuchet ms;" href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0212879/">Citizen Toxie</a>Jonathanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01292419514842686712noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2495647792106907005.post-22690282615118700442003-08-21T16:10:00.002-04:002009-06-17T16:13:50.445-04:00Freddy vs. Jason<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEis9WCvnXY9VDesh5iYE7x2j-ujXuZ43qiPlmsPuwJwTlePhAQ2gX5zgFDORUfBXEOLbj5nVBwyp07n5KzeyuHyEH3Iq8pRRJkQbMuNfQMu63rQt0lAgplYljrA2E3cC3tsvg1581YcE3WQ/s1600-h/freddyvsjason.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 205px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEis9WCvnXY9VDesh5iYE7x2j-ujXuZ43qiPlmsPuwJwTlePhAQ2gX5zgFDORUfBXEOLbj5nVBwyp07n5KzeyuHyEH3Iq8pRRJkQbMuNfQMu63rQt0lAgplYljrA2E3cC3tsvg1581YcE3WQ/s320/freddyvsjason.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5348391873362462402" border="0" /></a><br />2003<br /><br />Directed by: Ronny Yu<br /><br />Starring: Robert Englund (obviously), Ken Kirzinger as Jason, Monica Keena as Lori, and Jason Ritter as Will<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">J-Rock's Review:</span> <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!! THEY FINALLY MADE THIS MOVIE AND IT FUCKING ROCKS!!!</span><br /><br />Awesome. Finally. This movie, as any fan of either series knows, had been in the works for years. They finally unleashed it upon the world - and the world is a better place for it. Holy shit. I saw it twice.<br /><br />Here's a quick plot summary: Freddy has sort of been in limbo for 4 years, because his power is fueled by kids' fear of him, and thanks to a concerted effort by the parents in Springwood, all knowledge of Freddy has effectively been erased. This was accomplished by not telling any kids about Freddy's legend, as well as quarantining in a psychiatric institute any kids who did know about Freddy, thus keeping them from "contaminating" the others with fear.<br /><br />So Freddy, realizing he needs his name to be whispered with trepidation, brings Jason back to wreak havoc on Elm Street - but Jason doesn't stop when Freddy wants him to, which of course pisses Freddy off, leading to a monumental confrontation at Camp Crystal Lake.<br /><br />There are some classic killing scenes by both legends, as well as some really cool insights into the origins and mythology of both.<br /><br />My only complaint about the movie, and a common one on the message boards, is the stoner character - basically a stupid rip-off of Jay, of "Jay and Silent Bob" fame. There was just no reason to have this dumb character in the movie. If they really wanted a stoner, at least don't rip off someone else's stoner routine!!<br /><br />Boob factor: There are some nice boobies right off the bat, but the rest of the movie is death death death, so that's it. Our hero is really fucking hot, however. Proof:<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgX9DaohVe1pcngrBNwJHNlQcF3GviZxAY9D3_yrJIzeW7dMyLpYyAGbouojcajTWDwI9sbX3We6QDhF0hrnCu7dQT1EFYbl5S_4lW_AxtvNSw0QPb4W6ms4Tq9usSgIn6OmossKeD04Rv6/s1600-h/MonicaKeena1.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 206px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgX9DaohVe1pcngrBNwJHNlQcF3GviZxAY9D3_yrJIzeW7dMyLpYyAGbouojcajTWDwI9sbX3We6QDhF0hrnCu7dQT1EFYbl5S_4lW_AxtvNSw0QPb4W6ms4Tq9usSgIn6OmossKeD04Rv6/s320/MonicaKeena1.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5348392179133079650" border="0" /></a><br />Anyway, I liked this movie so much that I bought the 2-poster set from New Line. It almost makes up for Jason X. Almost.<br /><br />IMDb link: <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0329101/">Freddy vs. Jason</a>Jonathanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01292419514842686712noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2495647792106907005.post-47859441809601948922003-07-17T13:30:00.027-04:002009-05-28T16:18:09.300-04:0028 Days Later<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiBLL8CrUF1g_Zm1eH5NjHKLpFe0MvYOL-sY6Xu9xtPDsMRHkY5-LjIa21MH1EqAydV_gkNzJbqihlsHqKPciK685jlD4mEWjvnYOn3IZ4EIO0tqgBL5ckzn-Spb6Gaf7Zvq6JROZcvpD51/s1600-h/28dayslater_smposter.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 216px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiBLL8CrUF1g_Zm1eH5NjHKLpFe0MvYOL-sY6Xu9xtPDsMRHkY5-LjIa21MH1EqAydV_gkNzJbqihlsHqKPciK685jlD4mEWjvnYOn3IZ4EIO0tqgBL5ckzn-Spb6Gaf7Zvq6JROZcvpD51/s320/28dayslater_smposter.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5340959429500235746" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"><br />2003</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Directed by Danny Boyle<br /><br /></span><span style="font-weight: bold;">Starring Cillian Murphy, Naomie Harris, Brendan Gleeson and Megan Burns</span></span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">J-Rock's Review:</span><br /></span><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhBUgx8hEWkW0i8Qhl09bZtc04NgXqB0oFDUUrUp2a92Wb7ZgsQj7DIePR5R-5VpJjfCmd89b4N03kyO7xH3OOEkLgA9vfAqwjQaLFBEb-mD_QMXB8NDvRYp2b38GM31fElP5hro6Pii5hQ/s1600-h/jim+on+bridge.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 231px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhBUgx8hEWkW0i8Qhl09bZtc04NgXqB0oFDUUrUp2a92Wb7ZgsQj7DIePR5R-5VpJjfCmd89b4N03kyO7xH3OOEkLgA9vfAqwjQaLFBEb-mD_QMXB8NDvRYp2b38GM31fElP5hro6Pii5hQ/s320/jim+on+bridge.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5340959433016409346" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"><br /><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"><span style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;"><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></span><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:85%;" ><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"><br /><br />(not an actual screenshot)</span></span><span style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;"><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"><br /><br /></span></span></span><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"><span style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic; color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">Original Review</span><br /><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">July 17, 2003</span><br /><br />Best flick I've seen all year. This ain't no Italian shit-job zombie flick. Rather, <span style="font-style: italic;">28 Days Later </span>gives you a different take on the whole zombie genre. In this flick, the "infected" aren't just mindless shufflers - they are in a perpetual state of rage, pursuing any survivors with the ferocity and speed of rabid wolves.<br /><br />Oh yeah, don't confuse this movie with the Sandra Bullock rehab movie <a style="font-style: italic;" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiRsqaSprFHuh6FiONrqgyK-pbx59NjjZRfgh1hzyED1IKutnjxlk2FKY1abdC94I-heoWPMoGHj8DXpPxvr2REEFkVwa8BLESIy6ykrlJBHAaib7cNSnsi1OZ1iAys0dv8JDYImtSiBLoP/">28 Days</a>. If you rent the wrong one, whoo boy, you'll be wishing that you were infected and/or dead.<br /><br />Without giving away too much, here's a quick recap - skip it if you don't want to hear anything before seeing the movie, which was how I felt. I didn't watch any trailers, commercials, anything, before I hit the theater. Some scientists are testing the effects of rage on monkeys, some monkey-lovers set the infected chimps free, and the monkeys return the favor by infecting the first people they see. The virus spreads through the blood - if someone gets any in them or if an infected bites them, they become infected within 30 seconds - that's how it spreads like wildfire. When we pick up the movie 28 days later (get it?), Jim wakes up in a hospital, completely alone and clueless (just like the guy in <span style="font-style: italic;">Day of the Triffids</span>). The action picks up from there - some more survivors find Jim and fill him in on what happened; Jim and Selena (another survivor) meet up with Frank and his daughter Hannah; they hear a repeating broadcast by an army stockade claiming to have the cure for infection, so they decide to head for the location of the stockade. But first they have to escape from London, which is a perilous task. They eventually do hit the highway and reach their destination, where they find an army troop holed up on an old estate to defend themselves against the infected, complete with a minefield front lawn. Things turn nasty quickly, as the soldiers set their sights and boners on the two women in the group, much to the dismay of Jim, so he has to rescue them - and that's all I'll give you. You HAVE to see this movie! If you only see one Cillian Murphy movie this year - it has to be <span style="font-style: italic;">28 Days Later</span>!<br /><br />Boob factor: you see Selena in her bra but that's it, so if you want some boobs in your zombie flick, you'll have to check out <span style="font-style: italic;">Make Them Die Slowly</span> or <span style="font-style: italic;">Zombie Lake</span>. But make sure you see <span style="font-style: italic;">28 Days Later</span> first.<br /><br /></span></span><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"><span style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;"><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">Addendum<br />July 28, 2003</span></span><br /></span><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">So</span><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"> there was this whole buzz going around that the producers of <span style="font-style: italic;">28 Days Later</span> had shot a few different endings to the movie, and that if you saw it again and stayed through the credits, you'd see another ending, a "what if..." scenario.<br /><br />Don't waste your money.<br /><br />If you've already seen the movie, then leave it at that, because the much-touted new ending sucks - it's just a ploy to get you to spend another 9 bucks. I don't care if this is a spoiler - in fact, I hope it is, so you won't get your hopes up and go see the movie again. Basically, Jim dies after they smash through the mansion gates, so he never has a chance to tell Selena and Hannah that he saw a plane fly overhead. Hannah says "What do we do now?" and Selena says "We move," and they walk down a hallway...and that's it!!!!!!!<br /><br />The press buzz made it sound like "what if the infection did, in fact, spread outside of England" - but it was nothing like that!!! I actually saw a print ad for the new ending saying that it is "so terrifying it will haunt you for days" - in reality, it was so boring I slept for 3 days!<br /><br />I lost a lot of respect for a pretty cool movie because of their pathetic attempt to rip off the public.</span></span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"><br />IMDb link: <a href="http://us.imdb.com/title/tt0289043/"><span style="font-style: italic;">28 Days Later</span></a></span></span><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiBMuVRrypbgXb9UDhz2aNYQiU7o75gerTjmC-ZRqvNpEXzGXn63f_q2bvQXLXO47wCWrdWmOcqfoPk3Wd_XvQoh0oSKYsgum7c985XCghRXOBl9Mrwq5qdMC62oAdEYccc_9sXOcUQuoo1/s1600-h/blood.gif"><br /></a>Jonathanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01292419514842686712noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2495647792106907005.post-79441422590790015922003-06-03T16:01:00.004-04:002009-06-17T16:06:05.682-04:00Final Destination 2<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhrUJa9BwVm4HHsVkVLkwnxgZilpGfRA295qROGACqg5_YlpuakEOgSpOLLL_UoE-9GCEFr7ryoUqzbwZcQhfRgqPHOyKPqoQRsl9U9O7vqVxSFz864Y0L82k5kdtxMhBglDUrh7VBWZWmC/s1600-h/finaldest2_poster.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 217px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhrUJa9BwVm4HHsVkVLkwnxgZilpGfRA295qROGACqg5_YlpuakEOgSpOLLL_UoE-9GCEFr7ryoUqzbwZcQhfRgqPHOyKPqoQRsl9U9O7vqVxSFz864Y0L82k5kdtxMhBglDUrh7VBWZWmC/s320/finaldest2_poster.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5348389420633724882" border="0" /></a><span style="font-size:85%;">Oh wow, blue faces in a row. How original.</span><br /><br />2003<br /><br />Directed by: David R. Ellis<br /><br />Starring: Ali Larter, A.J. Cook, James Kirk (hey, isn't that the Star Trek guy?), and<br /><span style="font-size:130%;">Tony Fucking Todd!!!!!!!</span><br /><br />J-Rock's Review:<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgnWYmg-JG7GrQvvw-QK13pOMouGLgzEZcv9xWOtOBUbN8U7r2zWzQKRCOFQLvcwWNj1AzmTFFYgkgtZAV_rIKC42DgtHpDbROIVW-14LsLtlKghmSuRTp6SAPBCzXZDyXjKFdKBjYkKzfs/s1600-h/AliLarter05.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 267px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgnWYmg-JG7GrQvvw-QK13pOMouGLgzEZcv9xWOtOBUbN8U7r2zWzQKRCOFQLvcwWNj1AzmTFFYgkgtZAV_rIKC42DgtHpDbROIVW-14LsLtlKghmSuRTp6SAPBCzXZDyXjKFdKBjYkKzfs/s320/AliLarter05.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5348389605915977458" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />Better than the first. This flick was pretty damn good - it had lots of funny parts, pretty hot chicks, some quick boobs, and the best death scenes I've seen in a long time!<br /><br />I'm assuming you know the premise from the first flick, so if you don't, then my only suggestion is to eat me. Or rent it. The second one starts out with a bang - a HUGE traffic pileup, full of death, music, explosions, and soccer moms. Ok, no soccer moms; we should only be so lucky. The only thing worse than a soccer mom in a minivan? A soccer mom in a fucking Escalade or Expedition! Do these broads really need V-8 engines, 4-wheel-drive, and the cargo capacity of an aircraft carrier just to take their little shit-nosed kids to day care, swim class, and the supermarket?<br /><br />Anyway, some chick has a premonition about this accident and blocks the highway on-ramp, and thus saves a bunch of people from the Grim Reaper's scythe. You know the rest - death catches up with each one, but there are 2 twists in this movie. These are small spoilers, so scroll down quickly if you don't want to know anything about the movie - first, the sole survivor from the first movie, played by the ever-fucking-hot Ali Larter<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi6lgXMiyNfi_FJ2aOoSCkZxilMJzBCkPSwoaCfluD0M4Z7HljsOxLKHDUz5o3jOHHxxjfvmhhv1RBqrI4Mp5mvBQWXFYfZY-VJ1WsFSUmOEiqYa8MS6Zgn_00zUfQEZfC6f0vyb6BZl_-o/s1600-h/alilarter.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 221px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi6lgXMiyNfi_FJ2aOoSCkZxilMJzBCkPSwoaCfluD0M4Z7HljsOxLKHDUz5o3jOHHxxjfvmhhv1RBqrI4Mp5mvBQWXFYfZY-VJ1WsFSUmOEiqYa8MS6Zgn_00zUfQEZfC6f0vyb6BZl_-o/s320/alilarter.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5348389910107031394" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />is coaxed out of retirement (actually out of a psych institute) to help this new batch of death-dodgers. Second, each of the people who were spared on the highway were somehow saved once before, and each instance resulted from the death of someone from the first flick. Kind of a cool chain-reaction story they set up.<br /><br />As for the awesome death scenes - oh man, they cooked up some gory, bloody-ass shit for this movie. Now I don't mean nasty gore like in a zombie flick, but death does its dirty deeds in a clever, evil fashion. Just as an example, one kid is flattened/splattered by a huge pane of glass. Cool visual, huh?<br /><br />Plus, this movie features TONY TODD!! CANDYMAN!!!! Tony plays a creepy cremator...crematorator...crematororium...the guy who cremates John Does from the hospitals. I think. I don't remember that scene too well, and I don't remember him from the first movie, but it doesn't matter, because he's TONY TODD!!!<br /><br />So even though F.D. 2 falls into the whole teen-oriented Miramax/Dimension genre, right down to the bluish faces on the box, it's worth checking out, mostly for the death scenes.<br /><br />IMDb: <a href="http://us.imdb.com/title/tt0309593/">Final Destination 2</a>Jonathanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01292419514842686712noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2495647792106907005.post-56896887615272602662003-06-01T16:32:00.004-04:002009-06-10T16:36:27.185-04:00Darkness Falls<a style="font-family: trebuchet ms;" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgTn4OhaMsAdjyc4DsKqk1S5toLhwfXVV_XvlhU33lky5TF61GCrDBT6C8kGWQXtCFDFOVknnOQu7kak4MdqmXE7hj2C8oi83vGchj6KZh-wrkBLuFcGktR9SDxIBBXXnqtDhIdeIDulo_9/s1600-h/darkness_falls_poster.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 216px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgTn4OhaMsAdjyc4DsKqk1S5toLhwfXVV_XvlhU33lky5TF61GCrDBT6C8kGWQXtCFDFOVknnOQu7kak4MdqmXE7hj2C8oi83vGchj6KZh-wrkBLuFcGktR9SDxIBBXXnqtDhIdeIDulo_9/s320/darkness_falls_poster.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5345800037834156722" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">2003</span><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Directed by: Jonathan Liebesman (who?)</span><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Starring: No one worth mentioning</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">J-Rock's Review:</span><br /><br /><a style="font-family: trebuchet ms;" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhw35r94bmoyp22vnDVGw78Z09uwje_v8QrvT1zB8s7PQ5dKpsxW_CDZ5-iDMhkCRz46mBuF-d_8mgvTIU9UFIICsa3GoG1mJC8eeq9GYVj0V0-RZgjggZnYMdAQOMjxIIsY8InIR372Xtp/s1600-h/zzzzzz.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 101px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhw35r94bmoyp22vnDVGw78Z09uwje_v8QrvT1zB8s7PQ5dKpsxW_CDZ5-iDMhkCRz46mBuF-d_8mgvTIU9UFIICsa3GoG1mJC8eeq9GYVj0V0-RZgjggZnYMdAQOMjxIIsY8InIR372Xtp/s320/zzzzzz.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5345800152450783282" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">I saw this movie when it came out back in dark, cold January of '03, but I haven't had a chance to update the good 'ol webpage lately. Not that you've been missing much - this movie sucked! People gush over it like it's the second coming of Hitchcock, but it's just a bad, boring movie. I mean, how scary is your movie really going to be when the villian is the Tooth Fairy?</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Yeah, you read that right - the "scary" monster in this flick is the Tooth Fairy. It seems that in the town of Darkness Falls (get it?), a nice old lady used to give kids ca$h for the teeth they lost, so when two kids disappear, the first person the townsfolk accuse and immediately hang is the nice old lady. Whatever happened to due process??? I mean at least call Sam Waterston to prosecute the poor lady!</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Anyway, the lady puts a curse on the town, blah blah blah, then comes back like a hundred years later to unleash a killing spree on some random people in the town. Why now? Why them? I don't know. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention (or I just didn't care) that the lady had been burnt by a house fire, and had to wear a porcelain mask just to go in the sunlight, so when she comes back as a demon-thingy, she has a mask and can only kill someone when they are enveloped by darkness.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Anyway again, she kills some people, then some guy destroys her with fire. And then we left the theater and walked into another movie. I don't remember what movie though.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Oh yeah, don't see Darkness Falls.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">I'm not happy about it, but here's the customary IMDb link: </span><a style="font-family: trebuchet ms;" href="http://us.imdb.com/title/tt0282209/">Darkness Falls</a>Jonathanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01292419514842686712noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2495647792106907005.post-32842227730423177252002-10-26T16:14:00.002-04:002009-06-17T16:18:36.946-04:00Ghost Ship<a style="font-family: trebuchet ms;" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjx1cDaOkUbBGnXZcOMzC4lVRnk09CsG-aS80lqaxK9poAEqd8ZxJ8r4kotFtl-2_wjoh3j8_GQm8rJ8VltWPOwvP7pPdVzq0SZXxR2EYi4uwFcjAWshjRZMCksHzzi2cVxrJExO9ENelsd/s1600-h/ghostship.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 216px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjx1cDaOkUbBGnXZcOMzC4lVRnk09CsG-aS80lqaxK9poAEqd8ZxJ8r4kotFtl-2_wjoh3j8_GQm8rJ8VltWPOwvP7pPdVzq0SZXxR2EYi4uwFcjAWshjRZMCksHzzi2cVxrJExO9ENelsd/s320/ghostship.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5348393135420662418" border="0" /></a><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">2002</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Directed by: Steve Beck</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Starring: The chick from ER and the guy from End of Days</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">J-Rock's Review:</span><br /><a style="font-family: trebuchet ms;" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgxcAlPNOxYYfokrnu2uZv1H7YPB5lSZB-cWlJrRti5YgBJA5J7ShXtvgH00sT7G5hyg4b7ymQ0788GqPJ9e81n-AObOaThTVENpU67aYoZh-IVhvcwVvDTq92XITZl67Tyh_dGA5YaxFWw/s1600-h/skullz.gif"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 56px; height: 68px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgxcAlPNOxYYfokrnu2uZv1H7YPB5lSZB-cWlJrRti5YgBJA5J7ShXtvgH00sT7G5hyg4b7ymQ0788GqPJ9e81n-AObOaThTVENpU67aYoZh-IVhvcwVvDTq92XITZl67Tyh_dGA5YaxFWw/s320/skullz.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5348393246158367202" border="0" /></a><a style="font-family: trebuchet ms;" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgxcAlPNOxYYfokrnu2uZv1H7YPB5lSZB-cWlJrRti5YgBJA5J7ShXtvgH00sT7G5hyg4b7ymQ0788GqPJ9e81n-AObOaThTVENpU67aYoZh-IVhvcwVvDTq92XITZl67Tyh_dGA5YaxFWw/s1600-h/skullz.gif"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 56px; height: 68px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgxcAlPNOxYYfokrnu2uZv1H7YPB5lSZB-cWlJrRti5YgBJA5J7ShXtvgH00sT7G5hyg4b7ymQ0788GqPJ9e81n-AObOaThTVENpU67aYoZh-IVhvcwVvDTq92XITZl67Tyh_dGA5YaxFWw/s320/skullz.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5348393246158367202" border="0" /></a><a style="font-family: trebuchet ms;" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgxcAlPNOxYYfokrnu2uZv1H7YPB5lSZB-cWlJrRti5YgBJA5J7ShXtvgH00sT7G5hyg4b7ymQ0788GqPJ9e81n-AObOaThTVENpU67aYoZh-IVhvcwVvDTq92XITZl67Tyh_dGA5YaxFWw/s1600-h/skullz.gif"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 56px; height: 68px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgxcAlPNOxYYfokrnu2uZv1H7YPB5lSZB-cWlJrRti5YgBJA5J7ShXtvgH00sT7G5hyg4b7ymQ0788GqPJ9e81n-AObOaThTVENpU67aYoZh-IVhvcwVvDTq92XITZl67Tyh_dGA5YaxFWw/s320/skullz.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5348393246158367202" border="0" /></a><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">of 5 skulls</span><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Not bad, not unbelievably awesome...just a scary spooky matinee type of horror flick.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">It's about an ocean liner that's been lost for 40 years, and has just been found adrift in the Bering Strait by a salvage crew. They come on board, and then things start getting freaky. The chick from ER sees a little girl who's obviously a ghost; a couple of guys start chowing down on what seems like perfectly preserved canned food, but turns out to be yummy, nutritious maggots; and there are some cool deaths along the way.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">This flick is worth a rental - you even get some quick boobies about halfway through!</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">For more information from the IMDb: </span><a style="font-family: trebuchet ms;" href="http://us.imdb.com/title/tt0288477/">Ghost Ship</a>Jonathanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01292419514842686712noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2495647792106907005.post-77398287711473182622002-09-01T15:58:00.002-04:002009-06-17T16:01:03.669-04:00feardotcom<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjGz9lIs-bK4V9le4f_gmnD6RtoHGxN7-9Uce31qHZ0J8Sa5ni9q9V5r238zDcJ1OAyhuQAa9dXaKY2xPi7EuGO98ntU3QMEfiaiga1eoJhwPGe4cjBq6z277bdEUN1ijIHBzA5XEQPq9c6/s1600-h/feardotcom.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 215px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjGz9lIs-bK4V9le4f_gmnD6RtoHGxN7-9Uce31qHZ0J8Sa5ni9q9V5r238zDcJ1OAyhuQAa9dXaKY2xPi7EuGO98ntU3QMEfiaiga1eoJhwPGe4cjBq6z277bdEUN1ijIHBzA5XEQPq9c6/s320/feardotcom.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5348388516511471970" border="0" /></a>2002<br /><br />Directed by: the same asshole who directed <span style="font-style: italic;">The House on Haunted Hill</span><br /><br />Starring: Stephen Dorff and some other poor saps<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">J-Rock's Review:</span><br /><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">This is a total waste of time, money and film.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Original Review</span>:<br />I thought it was impossible to make a movie worse than the afore-mentioned <span style="font-style: italic;">House on Haunted Hill</span>. But this idiot succeeded.<br /><br />This movie had a stupid story, horrible acting, dizzying cinematography and an awful style. Every scene takes place in faux Art-Deco rooms, like the entire city is back in the 1940s. And it's always raining - very fucking annoying.<br /><br />As for the story, some sicko is running a live-webcam death site where he tortures and kills nubile young ladies. And the police can't find him. And anyone who looks at the site dies within 24 hours, at the hands of the first woman who died, who has apparently become some sort of electrical impulse (cough*<span style="font-style: italic;">Lawnmower Man</span>*cough). The worst part is that every time someone logs on to the site, the movie enters a nauseating sequence of flashes and spins that don't scare you, but instead make you want to punch the director.<br /><br />Anyway, they find him, and then they log him onto the site, so the dead chick kills him (finally!).<br />We didn't even see a double feature that night, because there was nothing else worth seeing. Hollywood sucks.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Addendum, added October 25, 2002</span>:<br />Another thing that makes this movie suck really really bad is that it totally rips off <span style="font-style: italic;">The Ring</span>. I saw the Japanese original, and even though it was dubbed off of a PAL video-disc and subtitled in both Cantonese and English, the movie was really cool. But <span style="font-style: italic;">feardotcom</span> sucked all the suspense out of the movie for me. Fucking Stephen Dorff. I'm glad Blade kicked your ass.<br /><br />For more information from the IMDb: <a href="http://us.imdb.com/title/tt0295254/">feardotcom</a>Jonathanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01292419514842686712noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2495647792106907005.post-10479590727205407142002-07-18T16:22:00.002-04:002009-06-17T16:26:06.060-04:00Halloween: Resurrection<span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">2002</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Directed by: I don't care</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Starring: I really don't care - except for Daisy McCrackin, the hot redhead who shows her boobs (briefly, but they're nice, and hey, they're boobs)</span><br /><br /><a style="font-family: trebuchet ms;" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgWgfXyxHubLOvEViuB6TqD3FYjzyAYYx9GR0qpj-F21FejMgU7kUoxq919is9T13Nlp-_k3wOZQwY9yTf6n5i-s6QhsS0nXYZwLPVeFFrfFz1xQKbKRrn1ZBtFyZy9E6dSutGhQ2BXRFoz/s1600-h/Daisy.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 180px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgWgfXyxHubLOvEViuB6TqD3FYjzyAYYx9GR0qpj-F21FejMgU7kUoxq919is9T13Nlp-_k3wOZQwY9yTf6n5i-s6QhsS0nXYZwLPVeFFrfFz1xQKbKRrn1ZBtFyZy9E6dSutGhQ2BXRFoz/s320/Daisy.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5348394990300434338" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0); font-weight: bold; font-family: trebuchet ms;">J-Rock's Review:</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0); font-weight: bold; font-family: trebuchet ms;">Not as bad as </span><span style="font-style: italic; color: rgb(255, 0, 0); font-weight: bold; font-family: trebuchet ms;">Jason X</span><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0); font-weight: bold; font-family: trebuchet ms;">, but still less enjoyable than a colonoscopy</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">I can't believe I spent money to see another shit-fest horror sequel.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">One saving grace is that we saw <span style="font-style: italic;">Reign of Fire</span> as the second half of the double feature, which cleansed the palate of the first movie.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;"><span style="font-style: italic;">Halloween: Resurrection</span> sucked from beginning to end. First there's a scene stolen from T2 where Jamie Lee Curtis is in a mental hospital and Michael Myers shows up and kills her. During this scene you find out how Michael survived the last flick, when he was clearly decapitated - it was the wrong guy!!! Bum-bum-buuummmm!! Turns out Mikey took a paramedic's uniform and put his mask on the paramedic (cough*<span style="font-style: italic;">SilenceoftheLambs</span>*cough), so Laurie Lee Strode hacked off the paramedic's head instead of her baby brother's.<br /><br /></span><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">The premise of the movie is also stupid as shit - six college students are selected to go into Michael's old house to see if anything is amiss (cough*MTV's Fear*cough) This would almost be interesting if they didn't cut every two seconds to a "webcam" perspective, where you can't see shit. Nothing scary happens, Michael chases them around, kills a bunch, and through all this shit, it turns out Michael was tortured and abused as a kid, and that's why he turned nutso. What a way to totally destroy the mythology behind a character. Total 2002 sensitive-psychotherapy-bullshit: everything bad happens because Mommy and Daddy weren't nice to him. What a crock. What's next? Freddy turned evil because a priest cornholed him as a kid?</span><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">And of course at the end, when you think MM was burnt to a crisp, his eyes open and the movie ends. Great, another fucking sequel.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">The one positive I can take from this movie is that if some assholes can get this pile of crap produced, then there's hope for me to get my dream horror flick produced.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Don't see this movie - spend the money on porn instead.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">For more information from the IMDb: <a href="http://us.imdb.com/title/tt0220506/">Halloween: Resurrection</a></span>Jonathanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01292419514842686712noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2495647792106907005.post-4123307329539744622001-04-21T14:56:00.003-04:002009-06-17T15:06:47.693-04:00Drive-In Massacre<a style="font-family: trebuchet ms;" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh2q4_l_3ZdmsbCVX-J_bdvTUOyIblD58g4UzKnjfXnxnd6_p78aY1nWekEpeU3R8B57tGPqa24jJuy0jdAqSQJjE-FTmvdaIg-DN-ubvJoq1iNPkUOZeOuy2ob-6swQABiHLe-Xw2_rC1-/s1600-h/422-1.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 194px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh2q4_l_3ZdmsbCVX-J_bdvTUOyIblD58g4UzKnjfXnxnd6_p78aY1nWekEpeU3R8B57tGPqa24jJuy0jdAqSQJjE-FTmvdaIg-DN-ubvJoq1iNPkUOZeOuy2ob-6swQABiHLe-Xw2_rC1-/s320/422-1.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5348374386928071922" border="0" /></a><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">1976</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Directed by Stu Segall</span><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;"><br />Starring: some pasty, ugly 70s people who I hope are very ashamed of themselves</span><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;"><br /><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">J-Rock's Review:</span></span><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms; font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">THIS MOVIE IS THE BIGGEST PIECE OF CRAP SINCE <a style="font-style: italic;" href="http://thebadhorrorblog.blogspot.com/2009/05/bloodstalkers.html">BLOODSTALKERS</a></span><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;"><br />I don't even know where to begin on this movie. Let me first state that this was another wonderful purchase from the $2 table at Video Update. That fact, plus the half inch of dust that the box had collected from having NEVER been touched, should have given me some idea as to what I was getting myself into. But nooooooooo....nothing can prepare you for the torture that is...<span style="font-style: italic;">Drive-In Massacre</span>.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">The first two minutes consist of a very very very very long and slow pan across an empty drive-in theater, which actually becomes partially obscured by a big black blotch covering the left side of the screen (which I should really be thankful for - anything that keeps you from seeing any part of this movie is a blessing). Then comes a laborious 10-minute scene combining the unbridled terror of cars pulling into the drive-in and the spine-tingling suspense of the OPENING CREDITS!!! Then the movie (at the drive-in) rolls, two people start to make out, but then the guy wants to hear the movie, so he reaches out to grab the speaker-thing. He takes about five minutes to stretch to reach it, so you know he's just waiting for death, which inevitably comes in the form of decapitation by sword. Then his woman (actually a very bad plastic stand-in) gets it through the neck.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Enjoy that crappy bloodbath folks, because if you're in this for the long haul with J-Rock, that's the last action you're going to get for a while...</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">The local police question the manager of the movie theater and the um, well, um, special guy who cleans up the parking lot. This 6 1/2 hour scene is made even more painful by someone's apparent brainiac decision to run an industrial fan in the background, making the dialogue nearly inaudible (don't get me wrong, that's a good thing). It turns out later that the manager and the cleaner guy were both carnies - one was a sword-swallower and one was a knife-thrower...plot point??? Hmm....?</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">It just gets worse from here, and I'm not going to give a full recap because, frankly, this movie isn't worth the time, so here's a quick run-through: more people get killed, the police think it's the cleaner guy, then they think it's the local peeping tom (complete with a house full of porn), then they think it's the manager. At some point in all this mess, they get a call that someone is running around a warehouse with a machete, and this results in an unnecessary and idiotic chase scene through the warehouse during which the suspect guy magically alternates between having a machete and a gun. They shoot him, and his hostage reveals that she is his daughter, and he had just escaped that morning from a mental institution. Fuck, this movie sucks.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">The movie ends soon after this without them finding the killer, and over the final shot, they put up titles that say something about the killer still being on the loose at drive-ins across the country and blah blah blah, and then you hear a voice that's supposed to be your theater manager saying that there's a killer in the theater, and not to panic. Now I give them some credit for this - they actually thought that people would still be in the theater at this point.</span><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">This pile of horse shit is a serious competitor with Invasion of the Blood Farmers for worst of all time. I would literally pay money to have that 90 minutes of my life back. I can't believe that anyone involved with this actually thought they were making a good movie.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">To prove this movie exists, check out the IMDb: <a href="http://us.imdb.com/title/tt0074434/">Drive-In Massacre</a></span>Jonathanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01292419514842686712noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2495647792106907005.post-63715326490195825572001-02-06T16:04:00.005-05:002009-06-10T16:10:24.753-04:00Cheerleader Camp<span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">1988</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Directed by: John Quinn</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Starring: Betsy Russell as Alison, Playboy Playmate and porn superstar Teri Weigel as Pam, Lucinda Dickey as Corey, and LEIF FRIGGIN' GARRETT as Brent (no joke!!)</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">J-Rock's Review:</span><br /><br /><a style="font-family: trebuchet ms;" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgjtuF_lIkog8DTKMZbN4Cul-6v4u9n-akjx_dtwZuSonw4xU79f2bBNUjSTV_OeRx8YXiz5UL58BWovhYM4Y-G-DEwZPS89x40PQtretlWW3wULaTc527nnZE373QOxm_XDktsgkvplqfA/s1600-h/tn_cheer.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 68px; height: 100px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgjtuF_lIkog8DTKMZbN4Cul-6v4u9n-akjx_dtwZuSonw4xU79f2bBNUjSTV_OeRx8YXiz5UL58BWovhYM4Y-G-DEwZPS89x40PQtretlWW3wULaTc527nnZE373QOxm_XDktsgkvplqfA/s320/tn_cheer.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5345792599009958834" border="0" /></a><a style="font-family: trebuchet ms;" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgjtuF_lIkog8DTKMZbN4Cul-6v4u9n-akjx_dtwZuSonw4xU79f2bBNUjSTV_OeRx8YXiz5UL58BWovhYM4Y-G-DEwZPS89x40PQtretlWW3wULaTc527nnZE373QOxm_XDktsgkvplqfA/s1600-h/tn_cheer.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 68px; height: 100px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgjtuF_lIkog8DTKMZbN4Cul-6v4u9n-akjx_dtwZuSonw4xU79f2bBNUjSTV_OeRx8YXiz5UL58BWovhYM4Y-G-DEwZPS89x40PQtretlWW3wULaTc527nnZE373QOxm_XDktsgkvplqfA/s320/tn_cheer.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5345792599009958834" border="0" /></a><a style="font-family: trebuchet ms;" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgjtuF_lIkog8DTKMZbN4Cul-6v4u9n-akjx_dtwZuSonw4xU79f2bBNUjSTV_OeRx8YXiz5UL58BWovhYM4Y-G-DEwZPS89x40PQtretlWW3wULaTc527nnZE373QOxm_XDktsgkvplqfA/s1600-h/tn_cheer.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 68px; height: 100px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgjtuF_lIkog8DTKMZbN4Cul-6v4u9n-akjx_dtwZuSonw4xU79f2bBNUjSTV_OeRx8YXiz5UL58BWovhYM4Y-G-DEwZPS89x40PQtretlWW3wULaTc527nnZE373QOxm_XDktsgkvplqfA/s320/tn_cheer.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5345792599009958834" border="0" /></a><a style="font-family: trebuchet ms;" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgjtuF_lIkog8DTKMZbN4Cul-6v4u9n-akjx_dtwZuSonw4xU79f2bBNUjSTV_OeRx8YXiz5UL58BWovhYM4Y-G-DEwZPS89x40PQtretlWW3wULaTc527nnZE373QOxm_XDktsgkvplqfA/s1600-h/tn_cheer.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 68px; height: 100px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgjtuF_lIkog8DTKMZbN4Cul-6v4u9n-akjx_dtwZuSonw4xU79f2bBNUjSTV_OeRx8YXiz5UL58BWovhYM4Y-G-DEwZPS89x40PQtretlWW3wULaTc527nnZE373QOxm_XDktsgkvplqfA/s320/tn_cheer.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5345792599009958834" border="0" /></a><a style="font-family: trebuchet ms;" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgjtuF_lIkog8DTKMZbN4Cul-6v4u9n-akjx_dtwZuSonw4xU79f2bBNUjSTV_OeRx8YXiz5UL58BWovhYM4Y-G-DEwZPS89x40PQtretlWW3wULaTc527nnZE373QOxm_XDktsgkvplqfA/s1600-h/tn_cheer.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 68px; height: 100px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgjtuF_lIkog8DTKMZbN4Cul-6v4u9n-akjx_dtwZuSonw4xU79f2bBNUjSTV_OeRx8YXiz5UL58BWovhYM4Y-G-DEwZPS89x40PQtretlWW3wULaTc527nnZE373QOxm_XDktsgkvplqfA/s320/tn_cheer.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5345792599009958834" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Ah, the glorious 80s. The decade where horror movies abounded, snorting "crank" was cool, and Ally Sheedy had a job.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Back in that fun decade, Hollywood just pumped out stupid slasher horror flicks and sequels upon sequels.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">The main differences between then and now are when a horror movie gets made today, nine times out of ten it has the following qualities:</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"> 1. It stars Matthew Lillard.</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"> 2. The poster is blue and black with the stars' heads aligned in a V.</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"> 3. It stars Noxzema girl.</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"> 4. There is no gore.</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"> 5. There is no nudity -- an unforgivable crime in my book.</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"> 6. It stars Buffy Michelle Gellar.</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"> 7. It sucks.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">But back to the 80s. These years were truly the golden age for crappy slasher flicks. One of these was </span><span style="font-style: italic;font-family:trebuchet ms;" >Cheerleader Camp</span><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">. The title basically explains it all, but I'll elaborate for the sake of making this an interesting website...here goes: a bunch of cheerleaders go to camp to learn new stuff and have a competition or something.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">All of these cheerleaders have big hooters.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Except one. And that's why she's a mascot, with the big fake head and all.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">This makes her INSANELY jealous of the big-hootered cheerleaders, and thus she decides to kill them all.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">But thankfully not before we see lots of gratuitous hooters.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">The killing in this flick isn't too bad either, and there are actually some pretty funny scenes, too.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">I'd definitely recommend this one, but not if your girlfriend or your mom is around, and especially not if your girlfriend IS your mom (so you southerners are out).</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Let's end this review before it gets any stupider. Oh yeah, there's a sequel called, you got it, </span><span style="font-style: italic;font-family:trebuchet ms;" >Cheerleader Camp II</span><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">!! I'll let you know when I see it!</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">For more from the IMDB: </span><a style="font-family: trebuchet ms;" href="http://us.imdb.com/title/tt0092744/">Cheerleader Camp</a>Jonathanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01292419514842686712noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2495647792106907005.post-58796182244324728472000-10-18T13:34:00.005-04:002009-06-10T13:57:22.090-04:00Candyman 3: Day of the Dead<span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;font-family:arial;" >1999</span><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;font-family:arial;" >Directed by Turi Meyer</span><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;font-family:arial;" >Starring: Donna D'Errico (yum yum) as Caroline, Nick Corri as David, and Tony Todd as the Candyman</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;font-family:arial;" >J-Rock's Review:</span><br /><a style="font-family: trebuchet ms;" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg_Kf3zvRfsDqixJbcUNon64zoevooa3qYU9m_zrMvCw2qvObdpLL_Qrv6CKVafMqnnUMLQUqdpME-5Td7xbVt7NqzkjVPFNlJOt2U3ynUudp-uf2wPR1_6wvgwxXjZ405Hr8aexyGiAGbF/"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiyNJ-rONTRXeeChF5QZ2Wk4HygQ2nTc9sBeEEyrvuS3bd9fQLtSfxPwA7fvbY3kFKhtE7kz42ZEefKx7mefU7DoNMhqEFAbz-qyaxnjXnBZJaiKnI6q81_5LrVmL-pY-YDL3tdMkQXZRjl/" alt="Gimme a D!" /></a><a style="font-family: trebuchet ms;" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj976GEzLqzfKQUCAMzytHiscdZpAwDbHHwCvghLW5vjXXOrZ0g_GxBdL6V-8p-vAosGxD-HDOthTbtn-x4ycRYrREe3gOVpy0NajJLeBeN4hF9DIFx3BXNc4Y7mJtcofp3VhvOFEyQnPTz/"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi0pAKptcQimAuUC1bukJyDZvOngWL2eiLjdkaHRXzQWhiviC8h1xDDGBDENEHSS4jndjFB24j-_aDXRGmSlYSFL6VN8aDoMTX_vp60a3ErEMEXnPcvfuQgChcRXFnNW_SqWemE2Fdf9Y7u/" alt="Gimme an O!" /></a><a style="font-family: trebuchet ms;" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhF6Um6CAPK8pPIrYBPdVePpK1lX7mCkTfVr2E-yuUwEbsMMT2HuNBGXjHrCGRHK3cfoc3l1Pfzhd7LJ5yv9tm3QRdVFOdbgYTQum_5xe15d3XI9rb5ZtkxvinhbTLQACF9aNeVhlni_Emj/"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEihVyrOUWir1G0jUZroWT_AbDuv2RCffhhS5dxTOQ30Nnr5ufLjOioRUBUuqsmf8Rmb7i13IOYfboeZcdzoN2Ec9m2qO336F6-t2LrQlJptyCEo4as_pgg-J9DOrC4fq5Thp4Qn4OBH1v65/" alt="Gimme an N!" /></a><a style="font-family: trebuchet ms;" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgmNQ_JGIGWm1WSNB9164kgQ61kHb8ogf_48GI5bLP_HUlVpJgKvwoTSLSmxO63Vpxm2g_nw-HP_-vpc9P3rj-4m_YTMKfqCYQQzOQc1RqazqQ3W15l2CkTbfq1yz2s05jchVL_3wAnQxMJ/"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhio1CE6PKrj_gaZbaRFMFzZD2QrSy0___ZUbdw-G6A88Iz4El4NSLcIjvtDm15GbqytkOdEb8Pl2QB6-yaCHsSj9LLkEkZkdWgDbWry-OAgbodl0oW1Z7OlHxDtDAHN9pJg5DYwC5Cw8yL/" alt="Gimme another N!" /></a><a style="font-family: trebuchet ms;" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi0fNKAYkiVKDkwh5f_uA4h3zJkGTVzmuVIlGoofByD98CKNdbOSRddQXwYUuMBPU9_mLAkvmqQrC0VNniaU2tYbwSu97B-xfVzx_mLvRV9ZU8Yl1pkjYOa2S0fYdT50d4W9eRl9MoEM1Qi/"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjGe1lSpwslSLNJv1XIIEhpPwE2eSMmSFc_lBTqRCw1W9M433H9FBBlbIfacVXIUI-AQ4HxKXejaPJwWBB9IIGAvkeQRkiZrj1zbnQddcu_l8i1ibYhQ4s8XS1DIBc-Fj6Bx9-X5J5YA-7F/" alt="Gimme an A!" /></a><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;font-family:arial;" >out of 5 skulls...or other things</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;font-family:arial;" >This movie is awful. Flat-out awful. Well, not flat-out. More like beautiful round and buxom-awful. Basically, the only reasons to watch this movie are Donna D'Errico's boobies. Don't let me mislead you, though - you don't get to see them unleashed, but she does wear white tanktops for most of the movie.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;font-family:arial;" >Honestly, I was rather disappointed, having enjoyed the first two Candyman movies. But this one just sucks. Not only does it suck, it totally screws with the story set forth in the first two, which is always a movie no-no. But Donna D'Errico's boobies are a yes-yes.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;font-family:arial;" >For example, in the second movie, we saw through flashbacks that Danielle Robitaille (the future Candyman) was left for dead laying on a log in the desert. In Day of the Dead, Donna (as his great-great-great-boobied-granddaughter Caroline) explains that he was tied to a tree, which is also visualized in the form of a flashback. Huh?</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;font-family:arial;" >The other thing I didn't like that they changed from the other movies was that in this one, Candyman spoke a lot more. And I mean a lot. There's one scene where he goes on for like 7 minutes. And you don't get to see Donna's boobies once in that span! What the hell?</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;font-family:arial;" >And then there's about 60000000 fake scares, where you think the Candyman is sneaking up or about to kill someone, but it turns out to just be her roommate or someone set up to scare people or something else. The stupidest and most blatant fake scare was when Caroline hears her roommate screaming "Don't kill me, please don't kill me!!" and all this other crap, and it turns out she was rehearsing for a movie part she just got. I mean, come on.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;font-family:arial;" >As for the story itself, they basically took the same story from Farewell to the Flesh and changed it a little. Candyman is now chasing the next generation of his family, and while her mother destroyed him by smashing a mirror containing his soul, Caroline has to destroy his early paintings. They don't even explain how he returns after being destroyed. There's even a festival/parade scene which is almost identical to Mardi Gras in the second movie. One big change was that Donna D'Errico wore a white tanktop through most of the movie.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;font-family:arial;" >Oh yeah, one more thing - this movie was made only four years after the second one, but Caroline has grown a lot more than four years in the meantime, and the world hasn't changed that much. For this one to be chronologically accurate, it would have to take place in about 2012. But Donna's boobies would of course be just as big.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;font-family:arial;" >Anyway, be sure to miss this one, but if someone you know does happen to own it, you should check it out just to see...guess what?...Donna D'Errico's boobies.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;font-family:arial;" >For more information from the IMDb: </span><a style="font-family: trebuchet ms;" href="http://us.imdb.com/title/tt0165662/">Candyman: Day of the Dead</a>Jonathanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01292419514842686712noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2495647792106907005.post-58635113079368087772000-07-21T16:17:00.003-04:002009-06-10T16:24:12.172-04:00Class of 1999<span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">1990</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Directed by: Mark L. Lester</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Starring: Bradley Gregg as Cody Culp, Traci Lind as Christie Longford, Malcolm McDowell as Miles Longford, and Stacy Keach as Dr. Bob Forrest</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">J-Rock's Review:</span><br /><a style="font-family: trebuchet ms;" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgPXLv71PeUsdTGdglB5S2MAEQtVxkzy0jwZTtjXWHUVDyFHza_PyrEdqU1p1FIIyII4BImGTGUKyvivDP8pnGpF4DislCwjxzXHa2VZIAx8YR5AFniEdNww7b_HhYWSodrAxFHFG2MlzT5/s1600-h/skullz.gif"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 56px; height: 68px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgPXLv71PeUsdTGdglB5S2MAEQtVxkzy0jwZTtjXWHUVDyFHza_PyrEdqU1p1FIIyII4BImGTGUKyvivDP8pnGpF4DislCwjxzXHa2VZIAx8YR5AFniEdNww7b_HhYWSodrAxFHFG2MlzT5/s320/skullz.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5345797133484480114" border="0" /></a><a style="font-family: trebuchet ms;" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgPXLv71PeUsdTGdglB5S2MAEQtVxkzy0jwZTtjXWHUVDyFHza_PyrEdqU1p1FIIyII4BImGTGUKyvivDP8pnGpF4DislCwjxzXHa2VZIAx8YR5AFniEdNww7b_HhYWSodrAxFHFG2MlzT5/s1600-h/skullz.gif"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 56px; height: 68px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgPXLv71PeUsdTGdglB5S2MAEQtVxkzy0jwZTtjXWHUVDyFHza_PyrEdqU1p1FIIyII4BImGTGUKyvivDP8pnGpF4DislCwjxzXHa2VZIAx8YR5AFniEdNww7b_HhYWSodrAxFHFG2MlzT5/s320/skullz.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5345797133484480114" border="0" /></a><a style="font-family: trebuchet ms;" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgPXLv71PeUsdTGdglB5S2MAEQtVxkzy0jwZTtjXWHUVDyFHza_PyrEdqU1p1FIIyII4BImGTGUKyvivDP8pnGpF4DislCwjxzXHa2VZIAx8YR5AFniEdNww7b_HhYWSodrAxFHFG2MlzT5/s1600-h/skullz.gif"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 56px; height: 68px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgPXLv71PeUsdTGdglB5S2MAEQtVxkzy0jwZTtjXWHUVDyFHza_PyrEdqU1p1FIIyII4BImGTGUKyvivDP8pnGpF4DislCwjxzXHa2VZIAx8YR5AFniEdNww7b_HhYWSodrAxFHFG2MlzT5/s320/skullz.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5345797133484480114" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">of 5 skulls</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Ever notice how old movies about the future tend to have a negative outlook? In </span><span style="font-style: italic;font-family:trebuchet ms;" >The Terminator</span><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">, Skynet destroys most of humankind in 1997. In </span><span style="font-style: italic;font-family:trebuchet ms;" >Escape from New York</span><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">, Manhattan is a prison colony by 1999. Heck, the classic example of this is George Orwell's classic novel 1984, which was later made into a really cool Apple Computer commercial. </span><span style="font-style: italic;font-family:trebuchet ms;" >Class of 1999</span><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"> is another movie with a pessimistic view of the world.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Here's a summary: by 1999, the worst inner parts of the major American cities have been overrun by gangs and are now "free-fire zones" where the police no longer go. Someone gets the bright idea to reopen the high school in the middle of the Seattle free-fire zone, so the Department of Educational Defense orders bionic teachers from a military contractor.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">I'm sure you can figure out the rest - the teachers go haywire, the rebel student and the good girl have to run from them, and the rival gangs team up to destroy the teachers.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">The special effects are actually pretty cool, with lots of explosions and great robotic stuff. </span><span style="font-style: italic;font-family:trebuchet ms;" >Class of 1999</span><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"> is worth a look if you're in the mood for some fun entertainment.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Oh yeah, this movie follows </span><span style="font-style: italic;font-family:trebuchet ms;" >Class of 1984</span><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"> (made in 1982), which stars Michael J. Fox and Malcolm McDowell (but in a different role...huh?). There's also a sequel, </span><span style="font-style: italic;font-family:trebuchet ms;" >Class of 1999 II: The Substitute</span><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"> (made in 1992). When I find them, don't worry, I'll review them too!</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">For more information from the IMDB: </span><a style="font-family: trebuchet ms;" href="http://us.imdb.com/title/tt0099277/">Class of 1999</a>Jonathanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01292419514842686712noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2495647792106907005.post-48033088755046007432000-07-02T16:28:00.003-04:002009-06-15T16:30:48.395-04:00Deadline<span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">1981</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Starring: Steven Young as Steven Lessey, Sharon Masters as Elizabeth Lessey, and some other stupid people</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">J-Rock's Review:</span> <a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEixK1x912_E7VPMxMPDOkxtdf8_1JTfdwhwLVasaXXOhLgswkpaO2dMDeA7JAVSVjkYh8qBcrOiWee0j_iR55B6WMR5Bs7lSem181O-M55qLUqLEstcKdNH8OPi50tbMF8bKR-qCK46VxpO/s1600-h/skullz.gif"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 56px; height: 68px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEixK1x912_E7VPMxMPDOkxtdf8_1JTfdwhwLVasaXXOhLgswkpaO2dMDeA7JAVSVjkYh8qBcrOiWee0j_iR55B6WMR5Bs7lSem181O-M55qLUqLEstcKdNH8OPi50tbMF8bKR-qCK46VxpO/s320/skullz.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5347654231690903922" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">of 5 skulls</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">OK, this movie is about a horror writer who starts seeing visions of bloody, violent death scenes like the ones in his movies, and then his life falls apart - his daughter gets hanged accidentally by her brothers after seeing it in one of his movies, his neglected wife develops a coke habit, his publisher demands a new book, and on and on. Oh yeah, he shoots himself at the end. (Yay!)</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">The bad part is that this schlock claims to be a horror flick, but then tries to be a drama. It's not about the bloody death scenes, but about this man's life falling to pieces. So basically, it's boring and overwrought.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">As for those death scenes, there is one really sick one where two little kids light their grandmother on fire, and another gross one where a woman in labor and her unborn child both die, and a really dumb one where a mechanic puts his head into the blades of a crop-reaper, and the reaper is started by a goat (???). That's about it, though. Outside of them, there's not much worth watching.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">To sum up: this movie bites.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">For more information from the IMDB: </span><a style="font-family: trebuchet ms;" href="http://us.imdb.com/title/tt0082244/">Deadline</a><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">For more information from Unknown Movies: </span><a style="font-family: trebuchet ms;" href="http://www.coastnet.com/%7Egreywizard/rev145.htm">Deadline</a>Jonathanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01292419514842686712noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2495647792106907005.post-5430073037432738012000-06-28T16:06:00.004-04:002009-06-17T16:10:33.991-04:00Forever Evil<span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">If you took </span><span style="font-style: italic;font-family:trebuchet ms;" >Forever Young</span><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"> starring Mel Gibson, and mixed it with </span><span style="font-style: italic;font-family:trebuchet ms;" >Evil Dead</span><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"> starring Bruce Campbell, you'd have....</span><br /><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:trebuchet ms;font-size:130%;" ><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Forever Evil!!!</span><br />Starring Mel Campbell and Bruce Gibson!</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">1987, Distributed by United Home Video</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Well, it doesn't really star them. Instead, you'll have to watch Red Mitchell as Marc, Tracey Huffman as Reggie (a chick), Howard Jacobsen as Parker Nash, and Kent Johnson as The Zombie!!!! (the best actor in the film)</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:trebuchet ms;" >J-Rock's Review:</span><br /><a style="font-family: trebuchet ms; font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 0, 0);" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg2cXRqHWx1D2sbCeE0dujKkHyck-4i0MbF_cSiUE-poXDvWzOt01bM5rRx4kqpzmTHJe2PdgiEiwUTLZYOQcoyBqeIs1UsfKcEv8ePET8BJjLYD8KiNOKce3WSYYUyoxLZdXBpkF1AHbSP/s1600-h/skullz.gif"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 56px; height: 68px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg2cXRqHWx1D2sbCeE0dujKkHyck-4i0MbF_cSiUE-poXDvWzOt01bM5rRx4kqpzmTHJe2PdgiEiwUTLZYOQcoyBqeIs1UsfKcEv8ePET8BJjLYD8KiNOKce3WSYYUyoxLZdXBpkF1AHbSP/s320/skullz.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5348390848093976258" border="0" /></a><a style="font-family: trebuchet ms; font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 0, 0);" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg2cXRqHWx1D2sbCeE0dujKkHyck-4i0MbF_cSiUE-poXDvWzOt01bM5rRx4kqpzmTHJe2PdgiEiwUTLZYOQcoyBqeIs1UsfKcEv8ePET8BJjLYD8KiNOKce3WSYYUyoxLZdXBpkF1AHbSP/s1600-h/skullz.gif"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 56px; height: 68px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg2cXRqHWx1D2sbCeE0dujKkHyck-4i0MbF_cSiUE-poXDvWzOt01bM5rRx4kqpzmTHJe2PdgiEiwUTLZYOQcoyBqeIs1UsfKcEv8ePET8BJjLYD8KiNOKce3WSYYUyoxLZdXBpkF1AHbSP/s320/skullz.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5348390848093976258" border="0" /></a><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:trebuchet ms;" >of 5 skulls</span><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Hmm...this one isn't that terrible, but it's pretty dumb. The people in it are really annoying, so I was happy when each one got sacrificed to Yog Kothag, who apparently was a very bad god, and was imprisoned by the other gods in a far-off star, and when this quasar star emits radio waves, people on earth kill in order to bring him back.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">There's one really nasty part where a pregnant lady is, let's say, aborted. You don't see it happen, but they find her body with the stomach ripped open. The rest of the killings are bad-edit style, where you don't actually see the knife hit the person, but you see it stuck in them afterwards. The most confusing thing in the movie is how the series of murders are plotted on a map as each occuring several miles apart, in the shape of a pentagram, but a bunch of them happened in the same house...? Don't ask me.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">The only cool thing in the movie was the zombie, who turns out to be one of the cult's victims from 60 years ago. His makeup obviously made up most of the movie's budget (OK, the entire budget), and it's not too bad. He gets his eye mashed, his body burned, and his muscles cut off, but keeps coming back for more.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Overall, if you have 3 bucks to burn and are a glutton for this kind of crap, <span style="font-style: italic;">Forever Evil</span> is bearable, but not much more.<br /><br /></span><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">For more information from the IMDb: <a href="http://us.imdb.com/title/tt0093041/">Forever Evil</a></span>Jonathanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01292419514842686712noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2495647792106907005.post-58269918431051989942000-06-26T13:58:00.001-04:002009-06-10T14:01:13.692-04:00Carnage<span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">1983</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Starring: Michael Chiodo as Jonathan, Leslie Den Dooven as Carol, and well, who cares?</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">J-Rock's Review:</span><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">A 1986 Nissan Sentra, of 5 skulls</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">This one is just boring as hell. Nothing happens! It's about a newlywed couple who moves into a house where the previous newlyweds had committed suicide (as recreated with a cap gun). The protagonists just stand around and get scared by stupid effects, like windows closing and phones hanging themselves up. Ooooo.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Watch </span><span style="font-style: italic; font-family: trebuchet ms;">Carnage</span><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;"> and see a table lamp MOVE!</span><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">SEE a lawn gnome TURN!</span><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">SEE windows close THEMSELVES!</span><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">SEE records PLAY!</span><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">SEE a tennis racket MOVE!</span><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">HEAR a polka rendition of Elvis' "It's Now or Never"! (seriously)</span><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">HEAR "Here Comes the Bride" OVER and OVER!</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">God this movie is awful...those are seriously things that happen and are supposed to be scary. There is one funny scene, where a would-be robber gets disemboweled by the house. At the end, the husband shoots his wife just like the previous one did...with a cap gun - no recoil, and her head doesn't move. Crappy effects and terrible editing make this snooze-fest unwatchable. I especially loved how the kitchen was fully stocked when they moved into their house.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">For more information (you loser) from the IMDb: </span><a style="font-family: trebuchet ms;" href="http://us.imdb.com/title/tt0185976/">Carnage</a>Jonathanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01292419514842686712noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2495647792106907005.post-50032157539774234852000-05-20T18:19:00.008-04:002009-05-28T16:04:54.667-04:00Attack of the Killer Refrigerator<span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">1990</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Directed by who knows?<br /><br /></span><span style="font-weight: bold;">Starring um...</span></span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">J-Rock's Review:</span><br /><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">What the fuck is this shit?</span><br /></span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Um...this is a fifteen-minute piece of crap. It was made with a camcorder by a bunch of losers with nothing better to do with their time.<br /><br />They have a party to defrost their refrigerator and hack all the ice out of it with a hammer, apparently enraging the fridge to the point of murder. Except for a few lines of stupid dialogue, all you hear is loud synthesized banging and thrumming throughout the entire movie, which makes it quite annoying and unwatchable.<br /><br />I'd rather watch TRL for hours on end than this shit.<br /><br /></span></span><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Somehow, they got this crap listed on the IMDb: <a href="http://us.imdb.com/title/tt0103729/"><span style="font-style: italic;">Attack of the Killer Refrigerator</span></a></span></span>Jonathanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01292419514842686712noreply@blogger.com0