Friday, September 26, 2003

Cold Creek Manor & Underworld


J-Rock's Review: Boooooooring

This is a double review for two reasons - first, I saw these movies in the same night. Second, neither one deserves its own review. I'll start with CCM, and unfortunately, I'm not talking about the company that makes hockey skates, nor am I talking about CCR - Big wheel keep on turnin'! Nope, I'm talking about Cold Creek Manor. This movie sucked. Sucked big-time. I don't mean the usual poor production qualities, stupid plot, bad acting kind of suck. It sucked worse than that. I mean Pauly Shore-type sucking. Did you ever try "Reduced Fat Twinkies"? I did - and yeah, this movie sucks even worse than they do. Sucksucksucksucksuck. Nothing good to mention at all. Suckity-suck-suck-suck.

Oh yeah, what's it about? It's about this family who moves from NYC to the sticks. The father buys a huge old mansion and starts to fix it up. He starts finding ridiculously obvious clues pointing to the fact that the family who lived there before was murdered, but somehow manages to remain completely oblivious. So he hires the local psycho redneck guy (Stephen Dorff) to do some work around the property - and even after Dorf beats up Randy Quaid in a bar, Randy has no clue. Dwarf starts threatening the family because the property originally belonged to his family - but Randy is still in the fucking dark. Oh yeah, the daughter's horse ends up in the pool at some point. And then Randy Quaid throws Worf off the roof. Stupid shit movie - don't watch it. Not even on TBS.

As for Underworld, it's got a cool idea - vampires and werewolves have been at war for 600 years through the streets and shadows of England. However, the movie is too long, and it becomes so confusing that you have no idea who is a vampire, who is a werewolf, who is a vampwolf, and who is a werepire. OK, that's not the only problem - there's also the fact that EVERY SINGLE PERSON wears a black leather jacket, further confusing the viewing audience.

One funny story about this movie - after seeing Cold Crap Manure, we walked into the theater we thought was showing
Underworld, when suddenly The Rundown came on. Ugh. Nothing kills your movie like using XFL footage in the first five minutes. XFL!! Needless to say, we realized something was wrong, so we walked around until we found the right theater.

Boob factor:
CCM - none. Underworld - none.

IMDb links:
Cold Creek Manor

Sunday, September 14, 2003

Cabin Fever


Directed by: Eli Roth
Starring: Rider Strong, Jordan Ladd, Joey Kern, Cerina Vincent, and James DeBello

J-Rock's Review:
Don't catch the fever!

Based on the previews and stuff, this movie promised to be bloody and hideously gory. Um, they lied. Cabin Fever is just a confusing, pointless amateurish film.

Basic plot - some annoying unlikable college-age kids go off to a remote cabin to party, and a hermit shows up with a nasty skin virus. One of the kids gets the nasty rash-thing, so they lock her in a shed so she doesn't infect the others, but they all start getting sick anyway, whether from drinking the water or touching the sick girl or fucking. It's kind of like how they used to think that you could catch AIDS from sharing a glass or kissing someone who had it.

Anyway, there are a lot of totally pointless and useless scenes in this movie, including a redneck kid who sits on the porch of the general store and bites people, and a hillbilly cop who just wants to find some parties.

Cabin Fever is supposed to be a dark comedy, but the problem is that it isn't funny or clever. It could've been a pretty good movie if they had gone with the whole idea of people turning on each other for fear of becoming infected, but the script just goes all over the place.

Boob factor: there are some boobies in Cabin Fever - Cerina Vincent, who played Areola in Not Another Teen Movie, shows her nice big boobies in two sex scenes.

IMDB link: Cabin Fever

Wednesday, September 3, 2003

Cat People

Directed by: Paul Schrader
Starring: Nastassja Kinky-I mean Kinski, Malcolm McDowell, John Heard, and Annette O'Toole

J-Rock's Review:
Boobies! Boobies! Boobies! (and bush!)

This movie was ponderously slow and very boring, but it had lots of

plus some

When I was 14 this was the kind of movie I'd tape off Cinemax and watch again and again and again and again until the tape (or my arm) wore out.

As for the story, Nastassja Kinski and Malcolm McDowell are a brother and sister who turn into panthers after they have sex, because their ancestors sacrificed women to the felines, and the two races somehow interbred. There's even one creepy scene where McDowell tries to convince his sister to have sex with him, because that's the only way they can do it without changing into murderous panthers. Oh yeah, there are a few killings in the movie, including a hilarious scene where the McDowell-panther rips a zookeeper's arm off at the shoulder.

Wait there's more! Not only do you see Nastassja's


in this movie, but you can also see Annette O'Toole's

- that's right, Clark Kent's mom on Smallville shows off her nice

in this flick. That alone is worth the price of admission.

Other than the


Cat People
is pretty pointless.

IMDB link: Cat People