Thursday, August 21, 2003

Citizen Toxie: The Toxic Avenger Part IV

It's a joke on Citizen Kane, get it? Oh yeah, it's not funny.

Directed by: Lloyd Kaufman
Starring: David Mattey, Debbie Rochon, Trent Haaga, and American icon and my personal hero RON JEREMY!!!

J-Rock's Review:
Ugh. An awful movie from beginning to end.

I love the original Toxic Avenger - I've watched that movie countless times, and it never gets old - because it was gross, irreverent, offensive, and funny. I guess in the intervening years, the folks at Troma forgot about that last one, because Citizen Toxie is not funny. Not at all. Not one funny joke.

I'm not some stupid parent who hates violence and foul humor, and complains about the content of the shows and movies their kid watches, instead of actually taking responsibility and monitoring what their stupid kid is watching - I mean, I love sophomoric and offensive humor and poop jokes, but only if they're funny! For example, two rednecks (one of whom is played by Mitch Cohen, the star of the first movie) drag a black man behind their truck until all that's left is a head - granted, it's so stupid and over-the-top as to almost be funny - but the only problem is that the crime being recreated happened years ago, which in today's age of MSNBC and Fox News, where headlines disappear as fast as American Idol winners, might as well have been the Mesozoic Era.

In case you're still reading, here's a quick plot summary - Toxie and Lardass (his new sidekick - what the?) rush into the Tromaville School for Special Students to save the tards, I mean special students, from the "Diaper Mafia." Yes, the Diaper Mafia, a take-off of the "trenchcoat mafia" killers from Columbine. Congratulations Troma on another timely joke.

A bomb explodes, which sends Toxie (along with 2 retards - damn it, I did it again!) into Amortville - and at the same time, sends the Noxious Offender into Tromaville. Parallel realities, get it? The plot then revolves around both men wreaking havoc in their opposite realities, and some other stuff where Toxie's wife Sarah is pregnant with 2 babies, one from each monster.

Now the story sounds OK on paper, with some hilarious possible situations and jokes, but in its execution the movie is just a jumble of disjointed, poorly conceived scenes replete with bad edits, not to mention a snail-turd's pace, helped along by incessant "Tromaville News" updates that are supposed to further the plot.

Even Ron Jeremy (as the mayor of Tromaville) can't save this shit-fest.

Ugh. Only see it if you are a die-hard Troma fan, and I know there are some out there, the same that rave about Tromeo & Juliet, another directionless, confusing, stupid Troma crapfest.

IMDB link: Citizen Toxie

Freddy vs. Jason


Directed by: Ronny Yu

Starring: Robert Englund (obviously), Ken Kirzinger as Jason, Monica Keena as Lori, and Jason Ritter as Will


Awesome. Finally. This movie, as any fan of either series knows, had been in the works for years. They finally unleashed it upon the world - and the world is a better place for it. Holy shit. I saw it twice.

Here's a quick plot summary: Freddy has sort of been in limbo for 4 years, because his power is fueled by kids' fear of him, and thanks to a concerted effort by the parents in Springwood, all knowledge of Freddy has effectively been erased. This was accomplished by not telling any kids about Freddy's legend, as well as quarantining in a psychiatric institute any kids who did know about Freddy, thus keeping them from "contaminating" the others with fear.

So Freddy, realizing he needs his name to be whispered with trepidation, brings Jason back to wreak havoc on Elm Street - but Jason doesn't stop when Freddy wants him to, which of course pisses Freddy off, leading to a monumental confrontation at Camp Crystal Lake.

There are some classic killing scenes by both legends, as well as some really cool insights into the origins and mythology of both.

My only complaint about the movie, and a common one on the message boards, is the stoner character - basically a stupid rip-off of Jay, of "Jay and Silent Bob" fame. There was just no reason to have this dumb character in the movie. If they really wanted a stoner, at least don't rip off someone else's stoner routine!!

Boob factor: There are some nice boobies right off the bat, but the rest of the movie is death death death, so that's it. Our hero is really fucking hot, however. Proof:

Anyway, I liked this movie so much that I bought the 2-poster set from New Line. It almost makes up for Jason X. Almost.

IMDb link: Freddy vs. Jason