Tuesday, June 3, 2003

Final Destination 2

Oh wow, blue faces in a row. How original.


Directed by: David R. Ellis

Starring: Ali Larter, A.J. Cook, James Kirk (hey, isn't that the Star Trek guy?), and
Tony Fucking Todd!!!!!!!

J-Rock's Review:

Better than the first. This flick was pretty damn good - it had lots of funny parts, pretty hot chicks, some quick boobs, and the best death scenes I've seen in a long time!

I'm assuming you know the premise from the first flick, so if you don't, then my only suggestion is to eat me. Or rent it. The second one starts out with a bang - a HUGE traffic pileup, full of death, music, explosions, and soccer moms. Ok, no soccer moms; we should only be so lucky. The only thing worse than a soccer mom in a minivan? A soccer mom in a fucking Escalade or Expedition! Do these broads really need V-8 engines, 4-wheel-drive, and the cargo capacity of an aircraft carrier just to take their little shit-nosed kids to day care, swim class, and the supermarket?

Anyway, some chick has a premonition about this accident and blocks the highway on-ramp, and thus saves a bunch of people from the Grim Reaper's scythe. You know the rest - death catches up with each one, but there are 2 twists in this movie. These are small spoilers, so scroll down quickly if you don't want to know anything about the movie - first, the sole survivor from the first movie, played by the ever-fucking-hot Ali Larter

is coaxed out of retirement (actually out of a psych institute) to help this new batch of death-dodgers. Second, each of the people who were spared on the highway were somehow saved once before, and each instance resulted from the death of someone from the first flick. Kind of a cool chain-reaction story they set up.

As for the awesome death scenes - oh man, they cooked up some gory, bloody-ass shit for this movie. Now I don't mean nasty gore like in a zombie flick, but death does its dirty deeds in a clever, evil fashion. Just as an example, one kid is flattened/splattered by a huge pane of glass. Cool visual, huh?

Plus, this movie features TONY TODD!! CANDYMAN!!!! Tony plays a creepy cremator...crematorator...crematororium...the guy who cremates John Does from the hospitals. I think. I don't remember that scene too well, and I don't remember him from the first movie, but it doesn't matter, because he's TONY TODD!!!

So even though F.D. 2 falls into the whole teen-oriented Miramax/Dimension genre, right down to the bluish faces on the box, it's worth checking out, mostly for the death scenes.

IMDb: Final Destination 2

Sunday, June 1, 2003

Darkness Falls

Directed by: Jonathan Liebesman (who?)
Starring: No one worth mentioning

J-Rock's Review:

I saw this movie when it came out back in dark, cold January of '03, but I haven't had a chance to update the good 'ol webpage lately. Not that you've been missing much - this movie sucked! People gush over it like it's the second coming of Hitchcock, but it's just a bad, boring movie. I mean, how scary is your movie really going to be when the villian is the Tooth Fairy?

Yeah, you read that right - the "scary" monster in this flick is the Tooth Fairy. It seems that in the town of Darkness Falls (get it?), a nice old lady used to give kids ca$h for the teeth they lost, so when two kids disappear, the first person the townsfolk accuse and immediately hang is the nice old lady. Whatever happened to due process??? I mean at least call Sam Waterston to prosecute the poor lady!

Anyway, the lady puts a curse on the town, blah blah blah, then comes back like a hundred years later to unleash a killing spree on some random people in the town. Why now? Why them? I don't know. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention (or I just didn't care) that the lady had been burnt by a house fire, and had to wear a porcelain mask just to go in the sunlight, so when she comes back as a demon-thingy, she has a mask and can only kill someone when they are enveloped by darkness.

Anyway again, she kills some people, then some guy destroys her with fire. And then we left the theater and walked into another movie. I don't remember what movie though.

Oh yeah, don't see Darkness Falls.

I'm not happy about it, but here's the customary IMDb link: Darkness Falls