Wednesday, October 18, 2000

Candyman 3: Day of the Dead

Directed by Turi Meyer
Starring: Donna D'Errico (yum yum) as Caroline, Nick Corri as David, and Tony Todd as the Candyman

J-Rock's Review:
Gimme a D!Gimme an O!Gimme an N!Gimme another N!Gimme an A!
out of 5 skulls...or other things

This movie is awful. Flat-out awful. Well, not flat-out. More like beautiful round and buxom-awful. Basically, the only reasons to watch this movie are Donna D'Errico's boobies. Don't let me mislead you, though - you don't get to see them unleashed, but she does wear white tanktops for most of the movie.

Honestly, I was rather disappointed, having enjoyed the first two Candyman movies. But this one just sucks. Not only does it suck, it totally screws with the story set forth in the first two, which is always a movie no-no. But Donna D'Errico's boobies are a yes-yes.

For example, in the second movie, we saw through flashbacks that Danielle Robitaille (the future Candyman) was left for dead laying on a log in the desert. In Day of the Dead, Donna (as his great-great-great-boobied-granddaughter Caroline) explains that he was tied to a tree, which is also visualized in the form of a flashback. Huh?

The other thing I didn't like that they changed from the other movies was that in this one, Candyman spoke a lot more. And I mean a lot. There's one scene where he goes on for like 7 minutes. And you don't get to see Donna's boobies once in that span! What the hell?

And then there's about 60000000 fake scares, where you think the Candyman is sneaking up or about to kill someone, but it turns out to just be her roommate or someone set up to scare people or something else. The stupidest and most blatant fake scare was when Caroline hears her roommate screaming "Don't kill me, please don't kill me!!" and all this other crap, and it turns out she was rehearsing for a movie part she just got. I mean, come on.

As for the story itself, they basically took the same story from Farewell to the Flesh and changed it a little. Candyman is now chasing the next generation of his family, and while her mother destroyed him by smashing a mirror containing his soul, Caroline has to destroy his early paintings. They don't even explain how he returns after being destroyed. There's even a festival/parade scene which is almost identical to Mardi Gras in the second movie. One big change was that Donna D'Errico wore a white tanktop through most of the movie.

Oh yeah, one more thing - this movie was made only four years after the second one, but Caroline has grown a lot more than four years in the meantime, and the world hasn't changed that much. For this one to be chronologically accurate, it would have to take place in about 2012. But Donna's boobies would of course be just as big.

Anyway, be sure to miss this one, but if someone you know does happen to own it, you should check it out just to see...guess what?...Donna D'Errico's boobies.

For more information from the IMDb: Candyman: Day of the Dead

Friday, July 21, 2000

Class of 1999

Directed by: Mark L. Lester
Starring: Bradley Gregg as Cody Culp, Traci Lind as Christie Longford, Malcolm McDowell as Miles Longford, and Stacy Keach as Dr. Bob Forrest

J-Rock's Review:

of 5 skulls

Ever notice how old movies about the future tend to have a negative outlook? In The Terminator, Skynet destroys most of humankind in 1997. In Escape from New York, Manhattan is a prison colony by 1999. Heck, the classic example of this is George Orwell's classic novel 1984, which was later made into a really cool Apple Computer commercial. Class of 1999 is another movie with a pessimistic view of the world.

Here's a summary: by 1999, the worst inner parts of the major American cities have been overrun by gangs and are now "free-fire zones" where the police no longer go. Someone gets the bright idea to reopen the high school in the middle of the Seattle free-fire zone, so the Department of Educational Defense orders bionic teachers from a military contractor.

I'm sure you can figure out the rest - the teachers go haywire, the rebel student and the good girl have to run from them, and the rival gangs team up to destroy the teachers.

The special effects are actually pretty cool, with lots of explosions and great robotic stuff. Class of 1999 is worth a look if you're in the mood for some fun entertainment.

Oh yeah, this movie follows Class of 1984 (made in 1982), which stars Michael J. Fox and Malcolm McDowell (but in a different role...huh?). There's also a sequel, Class of 1999 II: The Substitute (made in 1992). When I find them, don't worry, I'll review them too!

For more information from the IMDB: Class of 1999

Sunday, July 2, 2000



Starring: Steven Young as Steven Lessey, Sharon Masters as Elizabeth Lessey, and some other stupid people

J-Rock's Review:

of 5 skulls

OK, this movie is about a horror writer who starts seeing visions of bloody, violent death scenes like the ones in his movies, and then his life falls apart - his daughter gets hanged accidentally by her brothers after seeing it in one of his movies, his neglected wife develops a coke habit, his publisher demands a new book, and on and on. Oh yeah, he shoots himself at the end. (Yay!)

The bad part is that this schlock claims to be a horror flick, but then tries to be a drama. It's not about the bloody death scenes, but about this man's life falling to pieces. So basically, it's boring and overwrought.

As for those death scenes, there is one really sick one where two little kids light their grandmother on fire, and another gross one where a woman in labor and her unborn child both die, and a really dumb one where a mechanic puts his head into the blades of a crop-reaper, and the reaper is started by a goat (???). That's about it, though. Outside of them, there's not much worth watching.

To sum up: this movie bites.

For more information from the IMDB: Deadline
For more information from Unknown Movies: Deadline

Wednesday, June 28, 2000

Forever Evil

If you took Forever Young starring Mel Gibson, and mixed it with Evil Dead starring Bruce Campbell, you'd have....

Forever Evil!!!
Starring Mel Campbell and Bruce Gibson!

1987, Distributed by United Home Video

Well, it doesn't really star them. Instead, you'll have to watch Red Mitchell as Marc, Tracey Huffman as Reggie (a chick), Howard Jacobsen as Parker Nash, and Kent Johnson as The Zombie!!!! (the best actor in the film)

J-Rock's Review:
of 5 skulls

Hmm...this one isn't that terrible, but it's pretty dumb. The people in it are really annoying, so I was happy when each one got sacrificed to Yog Kothag, who apparently was a very bad god, and was imprisoned by the other gods in a far-off star, and when this quasar star emits radio waves, people on earth kill in order to bring him back.

There's one really nasty part where a pregnant lady is, let's say, aborted. You don't see it happen, but they find her body with the stomach ripped open. The rest of the killings are bad-edit style, where you don't actually see the knife hit the person, but you see it stuck in them afterwards. The most confusing thing in the movie is how the series of murders are plotted on a map as each occuring several miles apart, in the shape of a pentagram, but a bunch of them happened in the same house...? Don't ask me.

The only cool thing in the movie was the zombie, who turns out to be one of the cult's victims from 60 years ago. His makeup obviously made up most of the movie's budget (OK, the entire budget), and it's not too bad. He gets his eye mashed, his body burned, and his muscles cut off, but keeps coming back for more.

Overall, if you have 3 bucks to burn and are a glutton for this kind of crap, Forever Evil is bearable, but not much more.

For more information from the IMDb: Forever Evil

Monday, June 26, 2000



Starring: Michael Chiodo as Jonathan, Leslie Den Dooven as Carol, and well, who cares?

J-Rock's Review:
A 1986 Nissan Sentra, of 5 skulls

This one is just boring as hell. Nothing happens! It's about a newlywed couple who moves into a house where the previous newlyweds had committed suicide (as recreated with a cap gun). The protagonists just stand around and get scared by stupid effects, like windows closing and phones hanging themselves up. Ooooo.

Watch Carnage and see a table lamp MOVE!
SEE a lawn gnome TURN!
SEE windows close THEMSELVES!
SEE records PLAY!
SEE a tennis racket MOVE!
HEAR a polka rendition of Elvis' "It's Now or Never"! (seriously)
HEAR "Here Comes the Bride" OVER and OVER!

God this movie is awful...those are seriously things that happen and are supposed to be scary. There is one funny scene, where a would-be robber gets disemboweled by the house. At the end, the husband shoots his wife just like the previous one did...with a cap gun - no recoil, and her head doesn't move. Crappy effects and terrible editing make this snooze-fest unwatchable. I especially loved how the kitchen was fully stocked when they moved into their house.

For more information (you loser) from the IMDb: Carnage

Saturday, May 20, 2000

Attack of the Killer Refrigerator


Directed by who knows?

Starring um...

J-Rock's Review:
What the fuck is this shit?

Um...this is a fifteen-minute piece of crap. It was made with a camcorder by a bunch of losers with nothing better to do with their time.

They have a party to defrost their refrigerator and hack all the ice out of it with a hammer, apparently enraging the fridge to the point of murder. Except for a few lines of stupid dialogue, all you hear is loud synthesized banging and thrumming throughout the entire movie, which makes it quite annoying and unwatchable.

I'd rather watch TRL for hours on end than this shit.

Somehow, they got this crap listed on the IMDb: Attack of the Killer Refrigerator