Blood Diner

1987, distributed by Vestron Video, of course

Directed by Jackie Kong

Starring Carl Crew as George, Rick Burks as Michael, Drew Godderis as Uncle Anwar and Tanya Papanicolas as Sheetar!!!

J-Rock's Review:





of 5 skulls

Blood Diner is pretty damn good! It's about two brothers who are trying to resurrect the ancient Lumerian (huh?) goddess Sheetar. To bring her back, they must create a new body out of the parts of sluts and then have a "blood feast" with the blood of a virgin.

How they go about collecting victims and body parts is the best part. Look for the girl who gets her head covered in batter and then friedd and the fat guy who gets run over twenty or so times by the van.

The killing scenes in Blood Diner are definitely Troma-esque, meaning they are stupid and hilarious. There's not a lot of graphic gushing blood like in Troma flicks, but the deaths are still great. Check this one out if you can.

For more information from the IMDb: Blood Diner

Demonsoul

1994, Vista Street Entertainment

Starring: Who the hell knows?

J-Rock's Review: NEGATIVE SIX MILLION SKULLS

THIS MOVIE IS THE BIGGEST PIECE OF CRAP I HAVE EVER SEEN.

THERE IS NOT ONE REDEEMING QUALITY TO IT.

DO NOT BE FOOLED BY THE HOT CHICKS ON THE BOX, THIS MOVIE IS COMPLETE SHIT.

AVOID THIS MOVIE AT ALL COSTS.

If you're really stupid and want more information:
IMDb: Demonsoul

Evil Ed

1997, distributed by A-Pix Entertainment

Starring: Jim Friedman as Ed, Dan Malmer as Zip, Kara Killen as Barbara, and some other Swedish people

J-rock's Review:

out of 5 skulls



Evil Ed kicks ass! This movie mocks horror flicks, and does it with more ponash than Scream, Scream 2, or I Know How You Screamed with Buffy the Vampire Slayer Last Winter in the Hood.

It's a Swedish film dubbed into English, so some of the lines are unforgettable. The best is Ed's boss telling him that a scene he's editing is about "a woman getting raped by a beaver, then blown up with a bazooka."

As for the plot, Evil Ed is about a horror movie editor, Ed, who finds himself going crazy from all the brutality and violence he's seen at his job. He starts having hallucinations and delusions about Satan, his wife, and his boss. He kills them all (well, not Satan) and ends up chasing a movie cameramen and his girlfriend through a mental hospital.

If you can overlook the logic gaps and bad dubbing, Evil Ed is an awesome movie, and funny as hell.

For more information:
IMDb: Evil Ed

Hell Night

1981, Distributed by Compass International Pictures

Starring: Linda (the worst actress in history) Blair, Peter (Friday the 13th Part IV) Barton, and Vincent Van Patten

J-rock's Review:
out of 5 skulls




This one's pretty bad, but not even close to Bloodstalkers. It's about four pledges who have to spend a night in a haunted house. The brothers and sisters play pranks to scare them, but then, oh my!, the "mythical" monster DOES exist!! I wasn't expecting that one! Basically, everyone except Linda dies. The whole movie is very dark, and there is way too much dialogue for a horror movie.

A Letter to Linda Blair

Dear Ms. Blair,

It's been a long time since The Exorcist, and your fifteen minutes of fame are long over. I saw you on USA's "Happy Hour" recently, and while you are aging well, you never really had an acting career. I did enjoy your women-in-prison movie Chained Heat, but not because of your acting skills.

The first sign that you were the movie equivalent of a "one-hit wonder," like Yahoo Serious, Crispin Glover, and Freddie Prinze, Jr., should have been when you mocked yourself in Repossessed.

I do hope that you are happy and that this letter finds you in good health, but please refrain from looking for small slivers of limelight.

Sincerely,
Dr. J-Rock
Dean, University of Bad Horror Movies

For more information from the IMDb (for everyone except Linda): Hell Night

Bloodstalkers

1978, distributed by Vidmark (who else?)

Starring a bunch of people who were never in any other movie.

J-Rock's Review:
NOT A GODDAMN SKULL out of 5 skulls

This movie sucks. I can't even tell you how much it sucks. It is second in sucking only to Invasion of the Blood Farmers. It is a piece of crap.

If you really want to know what it's about, here you go - two couples go to the Everglades to visit the old cabin which belonged to Mike's parents. They drive fifteen hours to go to this little shit-shack in the middle of the swamp. Ever hear of freakin' Disney World?!?

I think one of the women is a stripper, and her boyfriend is an actor. The other guy is a Vietnam vet or something. I'm not really sure because most of the dialogue is incoherent. All the locals tell them not to go to the old house because of the "bloodstalkers." Of courrse they ignore the warnings and go anyway. Then the bloodstalkers turn out to be some local rednecks in gorilla suits. Yay. Basically, nothing happens in the entire movie.

DO NOT, I REPEAT, DO NOT WATCH THIS MOVIE. MANY PEOPLE HAVE SUFFERED AND DIED BECAUSE OF BLOODSTALKERS.

If you really want more information from the IMDb: Bloodstalkers