Dracula (1979)

1979

Directed by John Badham (Pretty good sign of a shitty movie: when the director's last name is a combination of "bad" and "ham")

Starring: "Greasy" Frank Langella as Count Dracula, "Old" Laurence Olivier as Abraham Van Helsing, "Hungry" Donald Pleasance as Dr. Seward, "Awful" Trevor Eve as Jonathan Harker, "Bland" Jan Francis as Mina Van Helsing, and "Kate" Kate Nelligan as Lucy Seward.

J-Rock's Review: This movie bites. Get it?

First things first, yes I know that the names of the characters listed above seem to be all mixed up. Trust me, you read correctly. And trust me, that's only the beginning of the mess that is this movie.

And yes, I know that Frank Langella is more "oily" than "greasy."

So I guess someone decided to remake Dracula - OK, that's cool. They changed around the story a little bit (thus the mixed-up names of the ladies) - still ok, you know, artistic license. However, the decision to make Dracula into a hairy-chested Italian guy with an American accent is just too much to bear. I mean, I thought Dracula was going to pull up in a Camaro, spray on some Hai Karate, fluff his chest hair, and take Lucy to his Mafioso-esque castle, complete with purple shag carpeting, plastic covers on all the furniture, and huge stone lions by the front door.

And it doesn't stop there - the movie itself is so dripping with 70's vibe that you expect a disco number to break out halfway through, with Dracula and Van Helsing having a dance-off for Lucy's soul.

Burn baby burn, undead inferno!!

For example, when Dracula gets it on with Lucy, the movie goes into this ridiculous lava lamp-type of montage thing resembling the open to a Roger Moore Bond movie. I only wish I had screen-grab capability. I am so stone-age when it comes to the interwebs. I bet there are 3rd graders out there that have more high-tech pages than I do. Lemme see what I can get at Best Buy, and I'll get back to you.

Where was I? Oh yeah, Frankula. So yeah, as for the story, it's your basic Dracula story but with a few changes from the book. We still have the now-greasy Count trying to get a piece of Mina and Lucy's tight young asses, except in this one, he offs Mina and tries to make Lucy his bitch, I mean bride. Jonathan Harker is engaged to Lucy in this version, and is also a total sissy. Plus he has awful 70's helmet hair. (Right now I am so wishing that I had screen-grabs.)

As for Donald Pleasance and Sir Laurence Olivier, these two could have done so much better. I mean, Donald was freakin' Dr. Loomis, and Laurence was in Rebecca, Spartacus, and Richard III.

I'm guessing that Donnieboy did the movie mainly for the food - the guy is eating in almost every scene (I'd show you screen-grabs if I could - what a loser I am).

But then again, a check's a check, and I'd be lying if I said I wouldn't take any movie role that came along if I weren't acting at the time.

But then again, I'm not an actor - at least not since my stirring turn as "Dead Special Student #7" in Citizen Toxie.

So basically, this movie doesn't totally blow. It just pretty much blows.

Come to me...you are powerless before my hair...

IMDb: Dracula

Dawn of the Dead (2004)

2004
Directed by Zack Snyder
Starring: Sarah Polley as Ana, Ving Rhames as Kenneth, Jake Weber as Michael, Mekhi Phifer as Andre, and hundreds upon hundreds of upon hundreds upon hundreds of people as, you know, the dead.

J-Rock's Review: When there's no more room in hell, I will still go see this movie.

Well well well, a remake of 1978's classic Dawn of the Dead. You might think to yourself, "Self, why would anyone want to try to remake 1978's classic Dawn of the Dead?" Well I'll tell you - because it's awesome!!!

First allow me to point out that many great and wonderful things were created in 1978, the most important among them being me. Now if someone were to say to me, "Hey, I can make a new version of you, only with more death and gore and less social commentary," what do you think I would say? Answer:
FUCK YEAH!!!!

But back to the movie. This new version of Dawn is about as straightforward a remake as you can make (or is it remake?). They basically took the same idea as the original, tweaked the characters and situations slightly, added a shitload more death and dismemberment - and even some tits - and made a kick-ass movie!

For those of you who have been living under a rock or are barricaded inside a mall in Wisconsin, here's a quick synopsis of the story: Dead people are coming back to life. A group of people barricade themselves inside a mall in Wisconsin. Killing ensues.

Another great thing about this movie is that unlike the shitty, low-budget, low-class Return of the Living Dead series, the Dawn remake was made with George Romero's blessing!

Oh yeah, boob factor!! There are a few quick shots when the scumbag yuppie guy Steve is filming himself and his girlfriend screwing in the mall, but that's about it. But let's not ignore the fact that Jane Polley is hot.


When you're done staring at her boobs, here's yer IMDb link: Dawn of the Dead

Hellboy

2004

Written and directed by Guillermo del Toro (English translation: Bill of the Bull - weird, huh?)

Starring: Ron Perlman as Hellboy, John Hurt (ouch!) as Professor Broom, Selma Blair as Liz Sherman, and Rupert Evans as John Myers

J-Rock's Review: AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OK, so Hellboy isn't technically a horror movie, but it is in the general vein of cool, sci-fi type flicks that I like, and I know my loyal readers are into.

Hellboy was friggin' awesome - I've never read the comics, so I was coming in totally fresh, and I was totally blown away. It's about a demon who was brought through from another dark dimension by the Nazis, but is raised to fight for the good guys. He even files down his huge horns in order to "fit in" - but that's gonna be tough seeing as he's 6'5" and bright friggin' red.

Hellboy and his cohorts are called into action to stop the nefarious (cool word) plots of a very old yet somehow spry Gregori Rasputin, who wants to unlock the door to the demon world and destroy ours. Hellboy and pals win of course, and there is much rejoicing.

I am such a huge fan of Hellboy that instead of making you read a whole page of my gushings about the movie, I thought it would be a cool treat to hear what some other famous superheroes from television and film have to say about "HB." Enjoy, but remember that the opinions expressed are those of the guest expressing them, and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of anyone at J-Rock's Horror Page. With that out of the way, here we go...

Wonder Woman (Lynda Carter)


Wow, Hellboy - that's a name that takes me back, back before those 1-800-CONTACTS commercials, before She Woke Up Pregnant, even before marrying Robert Altman.

I knew Hellboy back before that bitch Lucy Lawless stole my "dark-haired Amazon princess" bit. God I hate her. By Hera's name, I swear that I, Diana, daughter of Hippolyta, Princess of the Amazons, will have my revenge on Lucy Lawless, the usurper and pretender to my crown!!! I will reclaim my rightful place at ComicCon 2004!!! The womanless geeks will drool over me, Me, ME!!! Bwahahahahahaha!!!

Supergirl (Helen Slater)


Wow, where do I start? To start off, Hellboy is a really nice guy. Most people are put off by his appearance, but let me tell you, he's a softie at heart. He'll do anything for a friend.

Oh, one more thing: his tail is most definitely prehensile...

The Greatest American Hero (some blonde guy)

OK, I'm ready - here we go...

William Katt, reading for the part of Witness number 2: Yes, I saw what happened here. It was murder. How was that, pretty good? Great? Oh wow thanks!

OK, what's next? OK, here goes - I love Hellboy. Best movie I've seen all year - he kicks butt!

Wait a second. What is this? This doesn't sound like the right script. Hell-who? What am I doing here? I thought you told me this was an audition for Law & Order: Criminal Intent! What the fuck? Yes, I'm that guy from Greatest American Hero, what about it? You want me to talk about who? I've never heard of Helltoy! There aren't even any free donuts like you promised.

I'm a serious actor, I'll have you know. I was in Snake Island and Piranha. Oh, well you probably never heard of them because you've got no artistic taste!

I'm out of here - where's the door? And where are my damn donuts!

---

That went well...anyway, here's your IMDB link: Hellboy

Cold Creek Manor & Underworld

2003

J-Rock's Review: Boooooooring

This is a double review for two reasons - first, I saw these movies in the same night. Second, neither one deserves its own review. I'll start with CCM, and unfortunately, I'm not talking about the company that makes hockey skates, nor am I talking about CCR - Big wheel keep on turnin'! Nope, I'm talking about Cold Creek Manor. This movie sucked. Sucked big-time. I don't mean the usual poor production qualities, stupid plot, bad acting kind of suck. It sucked worse than that. I mean Pauly Shore-type sucking. Did you ever try "Reduced Fat Twinkies"? I did - and yeah, this movie sucks even worse than they do. Sucksucksucksucksuck. Nothing good to mention at all. Suckity-suck-suck-suck.

Oh yeah, what's it about? It's about this family who moves from NYC to the sticks. The father buys a huge old mansion and starts to fix it up. He starts finding ridiculously obvious clues pointing to the fact that the family who lived there before was murdered, but somehow manages to remain completely oblivious. So he hires the local psycho redneck guy (Stephen Dorff) to do some work around the property - and even after Dorf beats up Randy Quaid in a bar, Randy has no clue. Dwarf starts threatening the family because the property originally belonged to his family - but Randy is still in the fucking dark. Oh yeah, the daughter's horse ends up in the pool at some point. And then Randy Quaid throws Worf off the roof. Stupid shit movie - don't watch it. Not even on TBS.

As for Underworld, it's got a cool idea - vampires and werewolves have been at war for 600 years through the streets and shadows of England. However, the movie is too long, and it becomes so confusing that you have no idea who is a vampire, who is a werewolf, who is a vampwolf, and who is a werepire. OK, that's not the only problem - there's also the fact that EVERY SINGLE PERSON wears a black leather jacket, further confusing the viewing audience.

One funny story about this movie - after seeing Cold Crap Manure, we walked into the theater we thought was showing Underworld, when suddenly The Rundown came on. Ugh. Nothing kills your movie like using XFL footage in the first five minutes. XFL!! Needless to say, we realized something was wrong, so we walked around until we found the right theater.

Boob factor: CCM - none. Underworld - none.

IMDb links:
Cold Creek Manor
Underworld

Cabin Fever

2002

Directed by: Eli Roth
Starring: Rider Strong, Jordan Ladd, Joey Kern, Cerina Vincent, and James DeBello

J-Rock's Review:
Don't catch the fever!

Based on the previews and stuff, this movie promised to be bloody and hideously gory. Um, they lied. Cabin Fever is just a confusing, pointless amateurish film.

Basic plot - some annoying unlikable college-age kids go off to a remote cabin to party, and a hermit shows up with a nasty skin virus. One of the kids gets the nasty rash-thing, so they lock her in a shed so she doesn't infect the others, but they all start getting sick anyway, whether from drinking the water or touching the sick girl or fucking. It's kind of like how they used to think that you could catch AIDS from sharing a glass or kissing someone who had it.

Anyway, there are a lot of totally pointless and useless scenes in this movie, including a redneck kid who sits on the porch of the general store and bites people, and a hillbilly cop who just wants to find some parties.

Cabin Fever is supposed to be a dark comedy, but the problem is that it isn't funny or clever. It could've been a pretty good movie if they had gone with the whole idea of people turning on each other for fear of becoming infected, but the script just goes all over the place.

Boob factor: there are some boobies in Cabin Fever - Cerina Vincent, who played Areola in Not Another Teen Movie, shows her nice big boobies in two sex scenes.



IMDB link: Cabin Fever

Cat People

1982
Directed by: Paul Schrader
Starring: Nastassja Kinky-I mean Kinski, Malcolm McDowell, John Heard, and Annette O'Toole

J-Rock's Review:
Boobies! Boobies! Boobies! (and bush!)

This movie was ponderously slow and very boring, but it had lots of





plus some













When I was 14 this was the kind of movie I'd tape off Cinemax and watch again and again and again and again until the tape (or my arm) wore out.

As for the story, Nastassja Kinski and Malcolm McDowell are a brother and sister who turn into panthers after they have sex, because their ancestors sacrificed women to the felines, and the two races somehow interbred. There's even one creepy scene where McDowell tries to convince his sister to have sex with him, because that's the only way they can do it without changing into murderous panthers. Oh yeah, there are a few killings in the movie, including a hilarious scene where the McDowell-panther rips a zookeeper's arm off at the shoulder.

Wait there's more! Not only do you see Nastassja's


and













in this movie, but you can also see Annette O'Toole's












- that's right, Clark Kent's mom on Smallville shows off her nice












in this flick. That alone is worth the price of admission.

Other than the


and
















Cat People is pretty pointless.

IMDB link: Cat People

Citizen Toxie: The Toxic Avenger Part IV

It's a joke on Citizen Kane, get it? Oh yeah, it's not funny.

2000
Directed by: Lloyd Kaufman
Starring: David Mattey, Debbie Rochon, Trent Haaga, and American icon and my personal hero RON JEREMY!!!

J-Rock's Review:
Ugh. An awful movie from beginning to end.

I love the original Toxic Avenger - I've watched that movie countless times, and it never gets old - because it was gross, irreverent, offensive, and funny. I guess in the intervening years, the folks at Troma forgot about that last one, because Citizen Toxie is not funny. Not at all. Not one funny joke.

I'm not some stupid parent who hates violence and foul humor, and complains about the content of the shows and movies their kid watches, instead of actually taking responsibility and monitoring what their stupid kid is watching - I mean, I love sophomoric and offensive humor and poop jokes, but only if they're funny! For example, two rednecks (one of whom is played by Mitch Cohen, the star of the first movie) drag a black man behind their truck until all that's left is a head - granted, it's so stupid and over-the-top as to almost be funny - but the only problem is that the crime being recreated happened years ago, which in today's age of MSNBC and Fox News, where headlines disappear as fast as American Idol winners, might as well have been the Mesozoic Era.

In case you're still reading, here's a quick plot summary - Toxie and Lardass (his new sidekick - what the?) rush into the Tromaville School for Special Students to save the tards, I mean special students, from the "Diaper Mafia." Yes, the Diaper Mafia, a take-off of the "trenchcoat mafia" killers from Columbine. Congratulations Troma on another timely joke.

A bomb explodes, which sends Toxie (along with 2 retards - damn it, I did it again!) into Amortville - and at the same time, sends the Noxious Offender into Tromaville. Parallel realities, get it? The plot then revolves around both men wreaking havoc in their opposite realities, and some other stuff where Toxie's wife Sarah is pregnant with 2 babies, one from each monster.

Now the story sounds OK on paper, with some hilarious possible situations and jokes, but in its execution the movie is just a jumble of disjointed, poorly conceived scenes replete with bad edits, not to mention a snail-turd's pace, helped along by incessant "Tromaville News" updates that are supposed to further the plot.

Even Ron Jeremy (as the mayor of Tromaville) can't save this shit-fest.

Ugh. Only see it if you are a die-hard Troma fan, and I know there are some out there, the same that rave about Tromeo & Juliet, another directionless, confusing, stupid Troma crapfest.

IMDB link: Citizen Toxie