Welcome to your doom!!!!

Well, well, well. Here we are in 2009, in the age of blogs.

I started my horror site back in 1996 or 1997 on GeoCities as a goof, and its format was basically what we now know as a blog, so I figured it would be an easy and logical leap to move everything over to Blogger.

Even though there have been a few extended hiatuses since college, I still enjoy writing new reviews as well as re-reading my old ones. I'm going to try to update more frequently, but between work and home, it's tough to find time to watch bad horror movies. Plus, it's a lot more fun with friends, and my horror-watching buddies now live all over the place. Nevertheless, I will persist for you, my loyal fan(s).

There's more coming, so bookmark this site, I mean blog, and stay scared...

Day of the Dead (1985)

1985

Written and directed by George A. Romero

Starring: Lori Cardille as Sarah, Terry Alexander as John, Joseph Pilato as Capt. Rhodes, Anthony Dileo Jr. as Pvt. Miguel Salazar, Richard Liberty as Dr. Logan, Gary Howard Klar as Pvt. Steel, and Sherman Howard as Bub the Zombie!!

J-Rock's Review: Yummy!

The third film in George Romero's original Dead trilogy is probably the weakest, but it's still pretty cool, with plenty of gore and guts and racial slurs. At this point, these movies had become such huge cult hits that Day was released in every single country in the world. Of course in 1985, there were only about 35 countries (thanks to the stupid commies).

So to show how big an international phenomenon Day of the Dead created, I've scoured the internet and found a handful of foreign reviews of the movie - enjoy.

France


Je suis le meínoire doux le sous Day of the Dead, deu les Etats-Unis. C'est paix cette lemieux et monde, et con pomme fritte, alouette hebert les habitants du Móntreal. Les pinot noir du bandait nilssonex haceft les gran d'elysesse. Mon cetreaù del "Bub the Zombie" ventré giampitale, un je ne seis quo del lampeaurey! Quiste flambé a la biblitheque, est melange.

Au final: Day of the Dead -- mieux de la monde!!

Italy


Quichi delli morti com polli i frigillio, Day of the Dead est buon giorno! Cuesti timopoli desti stutti, al frangile temesti tratilli - squezello di monchitti, hahahaha!

Amocciante di la retratti con vivinti sempre ofretti della nichi. Guintissi flimpesto tanto cherubi della peperoncini calinti "Bub the Zombie" - a des veccesi!

En finiti: Day of the Dead -- Bellisimo! Manifique! Cest si bonne! Ciao!

Spain


El Día de los Muertos es la tercera película en el serie de "Zombies" de George A. Romero. En este capítulo, encontramos a una docena de sobrevivientes viviendo en un base militar abandonado, entre ellos una tropa de soldados. El líder militar se imagina como un dictador, pero sus planes se fallaron cuando el profesor loco hace experimentos en los Zombies, incluyendo el "entrenamiento" de uno llamado Bub the Zombie.

Los Estados Unidos es simplemente el mejor país en cuanto a la producción de películas de horror. En esta película las matanzas y violencia son fantásticos, y el humor que Romero siempre infunde a sus obras es perfecto.

En sumario, El Día de los Muertos es delicioso!!!

More info from IMDb: Day of the Dead

Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer 2 - Mask of Sanity

That price tag isn't a joke. I really paid $3 for this stupid movie.

1998

Written and directed by Chuck Parello

Starring: Neil Giuntoli as Henry, Rich Komenich (hey, that rhymes!) as Kai, Kate Walsh (hey, she's hot!) as Cricket, and Carri Levinson (hey, she's not!) as Louisa.

J-Rock's Review: Better than the first one, but still pretty awful. Bonus: Part 2 has boobs!!

Ah, what a pleasure it is to reunite with someone you haven't seen in a while. Unless that person is a sociopathic drifter who was very loosely based on an actual serial killer (at least in the first movie).

I saw the first Henry: POASK back in college, so when I saw Part 2 for sale at a soon-to-be-demolished video store on the west side of Stamford, I figured I could part with $2.95 to see some blood and guts and have a few laughs.

Let's just say I'd better hurry if I want to beat the wrecking ball and get a refund.

OK, maybe I'm being a little overcritical of Henry Part 2...it actually wasn't that horrible. I'm not saying it was great by any stretch, but it was fairly well-made and had some decent killing. And it had BOOBIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Our story once again centers around Henry (duh), a lonely, angry, smelly, dirty, bitter psychopath. It's been 12 years since the last movie, so let's just assume it's been 12 years since Henry killed anyone. My guess is that in the intervening years, Henry finished his MBA and went to work for Goldman Sachs, where he made a killing on wireless IPOs and landed a huge commission in '97. He bought a brownstone on the Upper East Side, met a nice corporate attorney, and thought he'd settle down. Then the dot-com bubble burst, and Henry lost everything.

A wanderer once again, Henry ended up in Some Town, where he befriended Kai. Kai lives with his girlfriend (wife?) Cricket, who's a lot hotter than her name would imply, and Louisa, who's actually pretty hot, but because she wears glasses and knows how to read, we're supposed to think she's ugly. I think Louisa is Kai's niece, but I don't really want to watch the movie again to find out. If you really need to know, then you need to get a life.

Kai gets Henry a job--get this--delivering porta-potties to construction sites. I guess this doesn't sit well with the old Hankster; after all, the idea of a man with a college education dragging plastic shitters around is just undignified [Ed. note: the real Henry Lee Lucas never made it past the fifth grade]. Predictably, he starts killing people again. The only one I really remember is a fat guy who slipped something into Henry's beer at a party with Kai and the gang. Henry comes back and strangles the guy. Yippee.

One interesting sub-plot to this movie is Louisa's inexplicable love for Henry. Not only does he continually rebuff her advances, but HE'S A FUCKING SERIAL KILLER. Even if she didn't actually know his past, it's pretty obvious that the guy's not right, even downright anti-social. They actually briefly make Henry a sympathetic character in this flick - when he starts to feel pity and/or remorse and goes to leave, Louisa threatens to blow her brains out. Henry stays, but then later on, they all come home to find Louisa with a revolver to her head. They try to reason with her (even Henry), but she pulls the trigger and saves us all from more whining. Yippee.
Did I mention the boobies in this movie? Yessiree, Cricket shows them (through an extremely thin white t-shirt) while she's getting it on with Kai. You may recognize Cricket from The Drew Carey Show, where she played Drew's fat girlfriend, and also from Kicking and Screaming, Will Ferrell's youth soccer masterpiece. Fortunately for her, not too many people have seen this movie, or else she wouldn't be getting gigs like The Drew Carey Show.


Anyway, Henry Part 2 isn't the worst movie you could rent, but there are a lot of better ones. Sweet Home Alabama isn't one of them.

More info from IMDb: Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer, Part 2 - Mask of Sanity

Dracula (1979)

1979

Directed by John Badham (Pretty good sign of a shitty movie: when the director's last name is a combination of "bad" and "ham")

Starring: "Greasy" Frank Langella as Count Dracula, "Old" Laurence Olivier as Abraham Van Helsing, "Hungry" Donald Pleasance as Dr. Seward, "Awful" Trevor Eve as Jonathan Harker, "Bland" Jan Francis as Mina Van Helsing, and "Kate" Kate Nelligan as Lucy Seward.

J-Rock's Review: This movie bites. Get it?

First things first, yes I know that the names of the characters listed above seem to be all mixed up. Trust me, you read correctly. And trust me, that's only the beginning of the mess that is this movie.

And yes, I know that Frank Langella is more "oily" than "greasy."

So I guess someone decided to remake Dracula - OK, that's cool. They changed around the story a little bit (thus the mixed-up names of the ladies) - still ok, you know, artistic license. However, the decision to make Dracula into a hairy-chested Italian guy with an American accent is just too much to bear. I mean, I thought Dracula was going to pull up in a Camaro, spray on some Hai Karate, fluff his chest hair, and take Lucy to his Mafioso-esque castle, complete with purple shag carpeting, plastic covers on all the furniture, and huge stone lions by the front door.

And it doesn't stop there - the movie itself is so dripping with 70's vibe that you expect a disco number to break out halfway through, with Dracula and Van Helsing having a dance-off for Lucy's soul.

Burn baby burn, undead inferno!!

For example, when Dracula gets it on with Lucy, the movie goes into this ridiculous lava lamp-type of montage thing resembling the open to a Roger Moore Bond movie. I only wish I had screen-grab capability. I am so stone-age when it comes to the interwebs. I bet there are 3rd graders out there that have more high-tech pages than I do. Lemme see what I can get at Best Buy, and I'll get back to you.

Where was I? Oh yeah, Frankula. So yeah, as for the story, it's your basic Dracula story but with a few changes from the book. We still have the now-greasy Count trying to get a piece of Mina and Lucy's tight young asses, except in this one, he offs Mina and tries to make Lucy his bitch, I mean bride. Jonathan Harker is engaged to Lucy in this version, and is also a total sissy. Plus he has awful 70's helmet hair. (Right now I am so wishing that I had screen-grabs.)

As for Donald Pleasance and Sir Laurence Olivier, these two could have done so much better. I mean, Donald was freakin' Dr. Loomis, and Laurence was in Rebecca, Spartacus, and Richard III.

I'm guessing that Donnieboy did the movie mainly for the food - the guy is eating in almost every scene (I'd show you screen-grabs if I could - what a loser I am).

But then again, a check's a check, and I'd be lying if I said I wouldn't take any movie role that came along if I weren't acting at the time.

But then again, I'm not an actor - at least not since my stirring turn as "Dead Special Student #7" in Citizen Toxie.

So basically, this movie doesn't totally blow. It just pretty much blows.

Come to me...you are powerless before my hair...

IMDb: Dracula

Dawn of the Dead (2004)

2004
Directed by Zack Snyder
Starring: Sarah Polley as Ana, Ving Rhames as Kenneth, Jake Weber as Michael, Mekhi Phifer as Andre, and hundreds upon hundreds of upon hundreds upon hundreds of people as, you know, the dead.

J-Rock's Review: When there's no more room in hell, I will still go see this movie.

Well well well, a remake of 1978's classic Dawn of the Dead. You might think to yourself, "Self, why would anyone want to try to remake 1978's classic Dawn of the Dead?" Well I'll tell you - because it's awesome!!!

First allow me to point out that many great and wonderful things were created in 1978, the most important among them being me. Now if someone were to say to me, "Hey, I can make a new version of you, only with more death and gore and less social commentary," what do you think I would say? Answer:
FUCK YEAH!!!!

But back to the movie. This new version of Dawn is about as straightforward a remake as you can make (or is it remake?). They basically took the same idea as the original, tweaked the characters and situations slightly, added a shitload more death and dismemberment - and even some tits - and made a kick-ass movie!

For those of you who have been living under a rock or are barricaded inside a mall in Wisconsin, here's a quick synopsis of the story: Dead people are coming back to life. A group of people barricade themselves inside a mall in Wisconsin. Killing ensues.

Another great thing about this movie is that unlike the shitty, low-budget, low-class Return of the Living Dead series, the Dawn remake was made with George Romero's blessing!

Oh yeah, boob factor!! There are a few quick shots when the scumbag yuppie guy Steve is filming himself and his girlfriend screwing in the mall, but that's about it. But let's not ignore the fact that Jane Polley is hot.


When you're done staring at her boobs, here's yer IMDb link: Dawn of the Dead

Hellboy

2004

Written and directed by Guillermo del Toro (English translation: Bill of the Bull - weird, huh?)

Starring: Ron Perlman as Hellboy, John Hurt (ouch!) as Professor Broom, Selma Blair as Liz Sherman, and Rupert Evans as John Myers

J-Rock's Review: AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OK, so Hellboy isn't technically a horror movie, but it is in the general vein of cool, sci-fi type flicks that I like, and I know my loyal readers are into.

Hellboy was friggin' awesome - I've never read the comics, so I was coming in totally fresh, and I was totally blown away. It's about a demon who was brought through from another dark dimension by the Nazis, but is raised to fight for the good guys. He even files down his huge horns in order to "fit in" - but that's gonna be tough seeing as he's 6'5" and bright friggin' red.

Hellboy and his cohorts are called into action to stop the nefarious (cool word) plots of a very old yet somehow spry Gregori Rasputin, who wants to unlock the door to the demon world and destroy ours. Hellboy and pals win of course, and there is much rejoicing.

I am such a huge fan of Hellboy that instead of making you read a whole page of my gushings about the movie, I thought it would be a cool treat to hear what some other famous superheroes from television and film have to say about "HB." Enjoy, but remember that the opinions expressed are those of the guest expressing them, and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of anyone at J-Rock's Horror Page. With that out of the way, here we go...

Wonder Woman (Lynda Carter)


Wow, Hellboy - that's a name that takes me back, back before those 1-800-CONTACTS commercials, before She Woke Up Pregnant, even before marrying Robert Altman.

I knew Hellboy back before that bitch Lucy Lawless stole my "dark-haired Amazon princess" bit. God I hate her. By Hera's name, I swear that I, Diana, daughter of Hippolyta, Princess of the Amazons, will have my revenge on Lucy Lawless, the usurper and pretender to my crown!!! I will reclaim my rightful place at ComicCon 2004!!! The womanless geeks will drool over me, Me, ME!!! Bwahahahahahaha!!!

Supergirl (Helen Slater)


Wow, where do I start? To start off, Hellboy is a really nice guy. Most people are put off by his appearance, but let me tell you, he's a softie at heart. He'll do anything for a friend.

Oh, one more thing: his tail is most definitely prehensile...

The Greatest American Hero (some blonde guy)

OK, I'm ready - here we go...

William Katt, reading for the part of Witness number 2: Yes, I saw what happened here. It was murder. How was that, pretty good? Great? Oh wow thanks!

OK, what's next? OK, here goes - I love Hellboy. Best movie I've seen all year - he kicks butt!

Wait a second. What is this? This doesn't sound like the right script. Hell-who? What am I doing here? I thought you told me this was an audition for Law & Order: Criminal Intent! What the fuck? Yes, I'm that guy from Greatest American Hero, what about it? You want me to talk about who? I've never heard of Helltoy! There aren't even any free donuts like you promised.

I'm a serious actor, I'll have you know. I was in Snake Island and Piranha. Oh, well you probably never heard of them because you've got no artistic taste!

I'm out of here - where's the door? And where are my damn donuts!

---

That went well...anyway, here's your IMDB link: Hellboy

Cold Creek Manor & Underworld

2003

J-Rock's Review: Boooooooring

This is a double review for two reasons - first, I saw these movies in the same night. Second, neither one deserves its own review. I'll start with CCM, and unfortunately, I'm not talking about the company that makes hockey skates, nor am I talking about CCR - Big wheel keep on turnin'! Nope, I'm talking about Cold Creek Manor. This movie sucked. Sucked big-time. I don't mean the usual poor production qualities, stupid plot, bad acting kind of suck. It sucked worse than that. I mean Pauly Shore-type sucking. Did you ever try "Reduced Fat Twinkies"? I did - and yeah, this movie sucks even worse than they do. Sucksucksucksucksuck. Nothing good to mention at all. Suckity-suck-suck-suck.

Oh yeah, what's it about? It's about this family who moves from NYC to the sticks. The father buys a huge old mansion and starts to fix it up. He starts finding ridiculously obvious clues pointing to the fact that the family who lived there before was murdered, but somehow manages to remain completely oblivious. So he hires the local psycho redneck guy (Stephen Dorff) to do some work around the property - and even after Dorf beats up Randy Quaid in a bar, Randy has no clue. Dwarf starts threatening the family because the property originally belonged to his family - but Randy is still in the fucking dark. Oh yeah, the daughter's horse ends up in the pool at some point. And then Randy Quaid throws Worf off the roof. Stupid shit movie - don't watch it. Not even on TBS.

As for Underworld, it's got a cool idea - vampires and werewolves have been at war for 600 years through the streets and shadows of England. However, the movie is too long, and it becomes so confusing that you have no idea who is a vampire, who is a werewolf, who is a vampwolf, and who is a werepire. OK, that's not the only problem - there's also the fact that EVERY SINGLE PERSON wears a black leather jacket, further confusing the viewing audience.

One funny story about this movie - after seeing Cold Crap Manure, we walked into the theater we thought was showing Underworld, when suddenly The Rundown came on. Ugh. Nothing kills your movie like using XFL footage in the first five minutes. XFL!! Needless to say, we realized something was wrong, so we walked around until we found the right theater.

Boob factor: CCM - none. Underworld - none.

IMDb links:
Cold Creek Manor
Underworld

Cabin Fever

2002

Directed by: Eli Roth
Starring: Rider Strong, Jordan Ladd, Joey Kern, Cerina Vincent, and James DeBello

J-Rock's Review:
Don't catch the fever!

Based on the previews and stuff, this movie promised to be bloody and hideously gory. Um, they lied. Cabin Fever is just a confusing, pointless amateurish film.

Basic plot - some annoying unlikable college-age kids go off to a remote cabin to party, and a hermit shows up with a nasty skin virus. One of the kids gets the nasty rash-thing, so they lock her in a shed so she doesn't infect the others, but they all start getting sick anyway, whether from drinking the water or touching the sick girl or fucking. It's kind of like how they used to think that you could catch AIDS from sharing a glass or kissing someone who had it.

Anyway, there are a lot of totally pointless and useless scenes in this movie, including a redneck kid who sits on the porch of the general store and bites people, and a hillbilly cop who just wants to find some parties.

Cabin Fever is supposed to be a dark comedy, but the problem is that it isn't funny or clever. It could've been a pretty good movie if they had gone with the whole idea of people turning on each other for fear of becoming infected, but the script just goes all over the place.

Boob factor: there are some boobies in Cabin Fever - Cerina Vincent, who played Areola in Not Another Teen Movie, shows her nice big boobies in two sex scenes.



IMDB link: Cabin Fever

Cat People

1982
Directed by: Paul Schrader
Starring: Nastassja Kinky-I mean Kinski, Malcolm McDowell, John Heard, and Annette O'Toole

J-Rock's Review:
Boobies! Boobies! Boobies! (and bush!)

This movie was ponderously slow and very boring, but it had lots of





plus some













When I was 14 this was the kind of movie I'd tape off Cinemax and watch again and again and again and again until the tape (or my arm) wore out.

As for the story, Nastassja Kinski and Malcolm McDowell are a brother and sister who turn into panthers after they have sex, because their ancestors sacrificed women to the felines, and the two races somehow interbred. There's even one creepy scene where McDowell tries to convince his sister to have sex with him, because that's the only way they can do it without changing into murderous panthers. Oh yeah, there are a few killings in the movie, including a hilarious scene where the McDowell-panther rips a zookeeper's arm off at the shoulder.

Wait there's more! Not only do you see Nastassja's


and













in this movie, but you can also see Annette O'Toole's












- that's right, Clark Kent's mom on Smallville shows off her nice












in this flick. That alone is worth the price of admission.

Other than the


and
















Cat People is pretty pointless.

IMDB link: Cat People

Citizen Toxie: The Toxic Avenger Part IV

It's a joke on Citizen Kane, get it? Oh yeah, it's not funny.

2000
Directed by: Lloyd Kaufman
Starring: David Mattey, Debbie Rochon, Trent Haaga, and American icon and my personal hero RON JEREMY!!!

J-Rock's Review:
Ugh. An awful movie from beginning to end.

I love the original Toxic Avenger - I've watched that movie countless times, and it never gets old - because it was gross, irreverent, offensive, and funny. I guess in the intervening years, the folks at Troma forgot about that last one, because Citizen Toxie is not funny. Not at all. Not one funny joke.

I'm not some stupid parent who hates violence and foul humor, and complains about the content of the shows and movies their kid watches, instead of actually taking responsibility and monitoring what their stupid kid is watching - I mean, I love sophomoric and offensive humor and poop jokes, but only if they're funny! For example, two rednecks (one of whom is played by Mitch Cohen, the star of the first movie) drag a black man behind their truck until all that's left is a head - granted, it's so stupid and over-the-top as to almost be funny - but the only problem is that the crime being recreated happened years ago, which in today's age of MSNBC and Fox News, where headlines disappear as fast as American Idol winners, might as well have been the Mesozoic Era.

In case you're still reading, here's a quick plot summary - Toxie and Lardass (his new sidekick - what the?) rush into the Tromaville School for Special Students to save the tards, I mean special students, from the "Diaper Mafia." Yes, the Diaper Mafia, a take-off of the "trenchcoat mafia" killers from Columbine. Congratulations Troma on another timely joke.

A bomb explodes, which sends Toxie (along with 2 retards - damn it, I did it again!) into Amortville - and at the same time, sends the Noxious Offender into Tromaville. Parallel realities, get it? The plot then revolves around both men wreaking havoc in their opposite realities, and some other stuff where Toxie's wife Sarah is pregnant with 2 babies, one from each monster.

Now the story sounds OK on paper, with some hilarious possible situations and jokes, but in its execution the movie is just a jumble of disjointed, poorly conceived scenes replete with bad edits, not to mention a snail-turd's pace, helped along by incessant "Tromaville News" updates that are supposed to further the plot.

Even Ron Jeremy (as the mayor of Tromaville) can't save this shit-fest.

Ugh. Only see it if you are a die-hard Troma fan, and I know there are some out there, the same that rave about Tromeo & Juliet, another directionless, confusing, stupid Troma crapfest.

IMDB link: Citizen Toxie

Freddy vs. Jason

2003

Directed by: Ronny Yu

Starring: Robert Englund (obviously), Ken Kirzinger as Jason, Monica Keena as Lori, and Jason Ritter as Will

J-Rock's Review: HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!! THEY FINALLY MADE THIS MOVIE AND IT FUCKING ROCKS!!!

Awesome. Finally. This movie, as any fan of either series knows, had been in the works for years. They finally unleashed it upon the world - and the world is a better place for it. Holy shit. I saw it twice.

Here's a quick plot summary: Freddy has sort of been in limbo for 4 years, because his power is fueled by kids' fear of him, and thanks to a concerted effort by the parents in Springwood, all knowledge of Freddy has effectively been erased. This was accomplished by not telling any kids about Freddy's legend, as well as quarantining in a psychiatric institute any kids who did know about Freddy, thus keeping them from "contaminating" the others with fear.

So Freddy, realizing he needs his name to be whispered with trepidation, brings Jason back to wreak havoc on Elm Street - but Jason doesn't stop when Freddy wants him to, which of course pisses Freddy off, leading to a monumental confrontation at Camp Crystal Lake.

There are some classic killing scenes by both legends, as well as some really cool insights into the origins and mythology of both.

My only complaint about the movie, and a common one on the message boards, is the stoner character - basically a stupid rip-off of Jay, of "Jay and Silent Bob" fame. There was just no reason to have this dumb character in the movie. If they really wanted a stoner, at least don't rip off someone else's stoner routine!!

Boob factor: There are some nice boobies right off the bat, but the rest of the movie is death death death, so that's it. Our hero is really fucking hot, however. Proof:


Anyway, I liked this movie so much that I bought the 2-poster set from New Line. It almost makes up for Jason X. Almost.

IMDb link: Freddy vs. Jason

28 Days Later

2003

Directed by Danny Boyle

Starring Cillian Murphy, Naomie Harris, Brendan Gleeson and Megan Burns

J-Rock's Review:













(not an actual screenshot)

Original Review
July 17, 2003

Best flick I've seen all year. This ain't no Italian shit-job zombie flick. Rather, 28 Days Later gives you a different take on the whole zombie genre. In this flick, the "infected" aren't just mindless shufflers - they are in a perpetual state of rage, pursuing any survivors with the ferocity and speed of rabid wolves.

Oh yeah, don't confuse this movie with the Sandra Bullock rehab movie 28 Days. If you rent the wrong one, whoo boy, you'll be wishing that you were infected and/or dead.

Without giving away too much, here's a quick recap - skip it if you don't want to hear anything before seeing the movie, which was how I felt. I didn't watch any trailers, commercials, anything, before I hit the theater. Some scientists are testing the effects of rage on monkeys, some monkey-lovers set the infected chimps free, and the monkeys return the favor by infecting the first people they see. The virus spreads through the blood - if someone gets any in them or if an infected bites them, they become infected within 30 seconds - that's how it spreads like wildfire. When we pick up the movie 28 days later (get it?), Jim wakes up in a hospital, completely alone and clueless (just like the guy in Day of the Triffids). The action picks up from there - some more survivors find Jim and fill him in on what happened; Jim and Selena (another survivor) meet up with Frank and his daughter Hannah; they hear a repeating broadcast by an army stockade claiming to have the cure for infection, so they decide to head for the location of the stockade. But first they have to escape from London, which is a perilous task. They eventually do hit the highway and reach their destination, where they find an army troop holed up on an old estate to defend themselves against the infected, complete with a minefield front lawn. Things turn nasty quickly, as the soldiers set their sights and boners on the two women in the group, much to the dismay of Jim, so he has to rescue them - and that's all I'll give you. You HAVE to see this movie! If you only see one Cillian Murphy movie this year - it has to be 28 Days Later!

Boob factor: you see Selena in her bra but that's it, so if you want some boobs in your zombie flick, you'll have to check out Make Them Die Slowly or Zombie Lake. But make sure you see 28 Days Later first.

Addendum
July 28, 2003
So there was this whole buzz going around that the producers of 28 Days Later had shot a few different endings to the movie, and that if you saw it again and stayed through the credits, you'd see another ending, a "what if..." scenario.

Don't waste your money.

If you've already seen the movie, then leave it at that, because the much-touted new ending sucks - it's just a ploy to get you to spend another 9 bucks. I don't care if this is a spoiler - in fact, I hope it is, so you won't get your hopes up and go see the movie again. Basically, Jim dies after they smash through the mansion gates, so he never has a chance to tell Selena and Hannah that he saw a plane fly overhead. Hannah says "What do we do now?" and Selena says "We move," and they walk down a hallway...and that's it!!!!!!!

The press buzz made it sound like "what if the infection did, in fact, spread outside of England" - but it was nothing like that!!! I actually saw a print ad for the new ending saying that it is "so terrifying it will haunt you for days" - in reality, it was so boring I slept for 3 days!

I lost a lot of respect for a pretty cool movie because of their pathetic attempt to rip off the public.

IMDb link: 28 Days Later

Final Destination 2

Oh wow, blue faces in a row. How original.

2003

Directed by: David R. Ellis

Starring: Ali Larter, A.J. Cook, James Kirk (hey, isn't that the Star Trek guy?), and
Tony Fucking Todd!!!!!!!

J-Rock's Review:

















Better than the first. This flick was pretty damn good - it had lots of funny parts, pretty hot chicks, some quick boobs, and the best death scenes I've seen in a long time!

I'm assuming you know the premise from the first flick, so if you don't, then my only suggestion is to eat me. Or rent it. The second one starts out with a bang - a HUGE traffic pileup, full of death, music, explosions, and soccer moms. Ok, no soccer moms; we should only be so lucky. The only thing worse than a soccer mom in a minivan? A soccer mom in a fucking Escalade or Expedition! Do these broads really need V-8 engines, 4-wheel-drive, and the cargo capacity of an aircraft carrier just to take their little shit-nosed kids to day care, swim class, and the supermarket?

Anyway, some chick has a premonition about this accident and blocks the highway on-ramp, and thus saves a bunch of people from the Grim Reaper's scythe. You know the rest - death catches up with each one, but there are 2 twists in this movie. These are small spoilers, so scroll down quickly if you don't want to know anything about the movie - first, the sole survivor from the first movie, played by the ever-fucking-hot Ali Larter


















is coaxed out of retirement (actually out of a psych institute) to help this new batch of death-dodgers. Second, each of the people who were spared on the highway were somehow saved once before, and each instance resulted from the death of someone from the first flick. Kind of a cool chain-reaction story they set up.

As for the awesome death scenes - oh man, they cooked up some gory, bloody-ass shit for this movie. Now I don't mean nasty gore like in a zombie flick, but death does its dirty deeds in a clever, evil fashion. Just as an example, one kid is flattened/splattered by a huge pane of glass. Cool visual, huh?

Plus, this movie features TONY TODD!! CANDYMAN!!!! Tony plays a creepy cremator...crematorator...crematororium...the guy who cremates John Does from the hospitals. I think. I don't remember that scene too well, and I don't remember him from the first movie, but it doesn't matter, because he's TONY TODD!!!

So even though F.D. 2 falls into the whole teen-oriented Miramax/Dimension genre, right down to the bluish faces on the box, it's worth checking out, mostly for the death scenes.

IMDb: Final Destination 2

Darkness Falls

2003
Directed by: Jonathan Liebesman (who?)
Starring: No one worth mentioning

J-Rock's Review:








I saw this movie when it came out back in dark, cold January of '03, but I haven't had a chance to update the good 'ol webpage lately. Not that you've been missing much - this movie sucked! People gush over it like it's the second coming of Hitchcock, but it's just a bad, boring movie. I mean, how scary is your movie really going to be when the villian is the Tooth Fairy?

Yeah, you read that right - the "scary" monster in this flick is the Tooth Fairy. It seems that in the town of Darkness Falls (get it?), a nice old lady used to give kids ca$h for the teeth they lost, so when two kids disappear, the first person the townsfolk accuse and immediately hang is the nice old lady. Whatever happened to due process??? I mean at least call Sam Waterston to prosecute the poor lady!

Anyway, the lady puts a curse on the town, blah blah blah, then comes back like a hundred years later to unleash a killing spree on some random people in the town. Why now? Why them? I don't know. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention (or I just didn't care) that the lady had been burnt by a house fire, and had to wear a porcelain mask just to go in the sunlight, so when she comes back as a demon-thingy, she has a mask and can only kill someone when they are enveloped by darkness.

Anyway again, she kills some people, then some guy destroys her with fire. And then we left the theater and walked into another movie. I don't remember what movie though.

Oh yeah, don't see Darkness Falls.

I'm not happy about it, but here's the customary IMDb link: Darkness Falls

Ghost Ship

2002

Directed by: Steve Beck

Starring: The chick from ER and the guy from End of Days

J-Rock's Review:
of 5 skulls




Not bad, not unbelievably awesome...just a scary spooky matinee type of horror flick.

It's about an ocean liner that's been lost for 40 years, and has just been found adrift in the Bering Strait by a salvage crew. They come on board, and then things start getting freaky. The chick from ER sees a little girl who's obviously a ghost; a couple of guys start chowing down on what seems like perfectly preserved canned food, but turns out to be yummy, nutritious maggots; and there are some cool deaths along the way.

This flick is worth a rental - you even get some quick boobies about halfway through!

For more information from the IMDb: Ghost Ship

feardotcom

2002

Directed by: the same asshole who directed The House on Haunted Hill

Starring: Stephen Dorff and some other poor saps

J-Rock's Review:
This is a total waste of time, money and film.

Original Review:
I thought it was impossible to make a movie worse than the afore-mentioned House on Haunted Hill. But this idiot succeeded.

This movie had a stupid story, horrible acting, dizzying cinematography and an awful style. Every scene takes place in faux Art-Deco rooms, like the entire city is back in the 1940s. And it's always raining - very fucking annoying.

As for the story, some sicko is running a live-webcam death site where he tortures and kills nubile young ladies. And the police can't find him. And anyone who looks at the site dies within 24 hours, at the hands of the first woman who died, who has apparently become some sort of electrical impulse (cough*Lawnmower Man*cough). The worst part is that every time someone logs on to the site, the movie enters a nauseating sequence of flashes and spins that don't scare you, but instead make you want to punch the director.

Anyway, they find him, and then they log him onto the site, so the dead chick kills him (finally!).
We didn't even see a double feature that night, because there was nothing else worth seeing. Hollywood sucks.

Addendum, added October 25, 2002:
Another thing that makes this movie suck really really bad is that it totally rips off The Ring. I saw the Japanese original, and even though it was dubbed off of a PAL video-disc and subtitled in both Cantonese and English, the movie was really cool. But feardotcom sucked all the suspense out of the movie for me. Fucking Stephen Dorff. I'm glad Blade kicked your ass.

For more information from the IMDb: feardotcom

Halloween: Resurrection

2002

Directed by: I don't care

Starring: I really don't care - except for Daisy McCrackin, the hot redhead who shows her boobs (briefly, but they're nice, and hey, they're boobs)


J-Rock's Review:
Not as bad as Jason X, but still less enjoyable than a colonoscopy

I can't believe I spent money to see another shit-fest horror sequel.

One saving grace is that we saw Reign of Fire as the second half of the double feature, which cleansed the palate of the first movie.

Halloween: Resurrection sucked from beginning to end. First there's a scene stolen from T2 where Jamie Lee Curtis is in a mental hospital and Michael Myers shows up and kills her. During this scene you find out how Michael survived the last flick, when he was clearly decapitated - it was the wrong guy!!! Bum-bum-buuummmm!! Turns out Mikey took a paramedic's uniform and put his mask on the paramedic (cough*SilenceoftheLambs*cough), so Laurie Lee Strode hacked off the paramedic's head instead of her baby brother's.

The premise of the movie is also stupid as shit - six college students are selected to go into Michael's old house to see if anything is amiss (cough*MTV's Fear*cough) This would almost be interesting if they didn't cut every two seconds to a "webcam" perspective, where you can't see shit. Nothing scary happens, Michael chases them around, kills a bunch, and through all this shit, it turns out Michael was tortured and abused as a kid, and that's why he turned nutso. What a way to totally destroy the mythology behind a character. Total 2002 sensitive-psychotherapy-bullshit: everything bad happens because Mommy and Daddy weren't nice to him. What a crock. What's next? Freddy turned evil because a priest cornholed him as a kid?
And of course at the end, when you think MM was burnt to a crisp, his eyes open and the movie ends. Great, another fucking sequel.

The one positive I can take from this movie is that if some assholes can get this pile of crap produced, then there's hope for me to get my dream horror flick produced.

Don't see this movie - spend the money on porn instead.

For more information from the IMDb: Halloween: Resurrection

Drive-In Massacre

1976

Directed by Stu Segall

Starring: some pasty, ugly 70s people who I hope are very ashamed of themselves

J-Rock's Review:
THIS MOVIE IS THE BIGGEST PIECE OF CRAP SINCE BLOODSTALKERS

I don't even know where to begin on this movie. Let me first state that this was another wonderful purchase from the $2 table at Video Update. That fact, plus the half inch of dust that the box had collected from having NEVER been touched, should have given me some idea as to what I was getting myself into. But nooooooooo....nothing can prepare you for the torture that is...Drive-In Massacre.

The first two minutes consist of a very very very very long and slow pan across an empty drive-in theater, which actually becomes partially obscured by a big black blotch covering the left side of the screen (which I should really be thankful for - anything that keeps you from seeing any part of this movie is a blessing). Then comes a laborious 10-minute scene combining the unbridled terror of cars pulling into the drive-in and the spine-tingling suspense of the OPENING CREDITS!!! Then the movie (at the drive-in) rolls, two people start to make out, but then the guy wants to hear the movie, so he reaches out to grab the speaker-thing. He takes about five minutes to stretch to reach it, so you know he's just waiting for death, which inevitably comes in the form of decapitation by sword. Then his woman (actually a very bad plastic stand-in) gets it through the neck.

Enjoy that crappy bloodbath folks, because if you're in this for the long haul with J-Rock, that's the last action you're going to get for a while...

The local police question the manager of the movie theater and the um, well, um, special guy who cleans up the parking lot. This 6 1/2 hour scene is made even more painful by someone's apparent brainiac decision to run an industrial fan in the background, making the dialogue nearly inaudible (don't get me wrong, that's a good thing). It turns out later that the manager and the cleaner guy were both carnies - one was a sword-swallower and one was a knife-thrower...plot point??? Hmm....?

It just gets worse from here, and I'm not going to give a full recap because, frankly, this movie isn't worth the time, so here's a quick run-through: more people get killed, the police think it's the cleaner guy, then they think it's the local peeping tom (complete with a house full of porn), then they think it's the manager. At some point in all this mess, they get a call that someone is running around a warehouse with a machete, and this results in an unnecessary and idiotic chase scene through the warehouse during which the suspect guy magically alternates between having a machete and a gun. They shoot him, and his hostage reveals that she is his daughter, and he had just escaped that morning from a mental institution. Fuck, this movie sucks.

The movie ends soon after this without them finding the killer, and over the final shot, they put up titles that say something about the killer still being on the loose at drive-ins across the country and blah blah blah, and then you hear a voice that's supposed to be your theater manager saying that there's a killer in the theater, and not to panic. Now I give them some credit for this - they actually thought that people would still be in the theater at this point.
This pile of horse shit is a serious competitor with Invasion of the Blood Farmers for worst of all time. I would literally pay money to have that 90 minutes of my life back. I can't believe that anyone involved with this actually thought they were making a good movie.

To prove this movie exists, check out the IMDb: Drive-In Massacre