Welcome to your doom!!!!

Well, well, well. Here we are in 2009, in the age of blogs.

I started my horror site back in 1996 or 1997 on GeoCities as a goof, and its format was basically what we now know as a blog, so I figured it would be an easy and logical leap to move everything over to Blogger.

Even though there have been a few extended hiatuses since college, I still enjoy writing new reviews as well as re-reading my old ones. I'm going to try to update more frequently, but between work and home, it's tough to find time to watch bad horror movies. Plus, it's a lot more fun with friends, and my horror-watching buddies now live all over the place. Nevertheless, I will persist for you, my loyal fan(s).

There's more coming, so bookmark this site, I mean blog, and stay scared...

Day of the Dead (1985)

1985

Written and directed by George A. Romero

Starring: Lori Cardille as Sarah, Terry Alexander as John, Joseph Pilato as Capt. Rhodes, Anthony Dileo Jr. as Pvt. Miguel Salazar, Richard Liberty as Dr. Logan, Gary Howard Klar as Pvt. Steel, and Sherman Howard as Bub the Zombie!!

J-Rock's Review: Yummy!

The third film in George Romero's original Dead trilogy is probably the weakest, but it's still pretty cool, with plenty of gore and guts and racial slurs. At this point, these movies had become such huge cult hits that Day was released in every single country in the world. Of course in 1985, there were only about 35 countries (thanks to the stupid commies).

So to show how big an international phenomenon Day of the Dead created, I've scoured the internet and found a handful of foreign reviews of the movie - enjoy.

France


Je suis le meínoire doux le sous Day of the Dead, deu les Etats-Unis. C'est paix cette lemieux et monde, et con pomme fritte, alouette hebert les habitants du Móntreal. Les pinot noir du bandait nilssonex haceft les gran d'elysesse. Mon cetreaù del "Bub the Zombie" ventré giampitale, un je ne seis quo del lampeaurey! Quiste flambé a la biblitheque, est melange.

Au final: Day of the Dead -- mieux de la monde!!

Italy


Quichi delli morti com polli i frigillio, Day of the Dead est buon giorno! Cuesti timopoli desti stutti, al frangile temesti tratilli - squezello di monchitti, hahahaha!

Amocciante di la retratti con vivinti sempre ofretti della nichi. Guintissi flimpesto tanto cherubi della peperoncini calinti "Bub the Zombie" - a des veccesi!

En finiti: Day of the Dead -- Bellisimo! Manifique! Cest si bonne! Ciao!

Spain


El Día de los Muertos es la tercera película en el serie de "Zombies" de George A. Romero. En este capítulo, encontramos a una docena de sobrevivientes viviendo en un base militar abandonado, entre ellos una tropa de soldados. El líder militar se imagina como un dictador, pero sus planes se fallaron cuando el profesor loco hace experimentos en los Zombies, incluyendo el "entrenamiento" de uno llamado Bub the Zombie.

Los Estados Unidos es simplemente el mejor país en cuanto a la producción de películas de horror. En esta película las matanzas y violencia son fantásticos, y el humor que Romero siempre infunde a sus obras es perfecto.

En sumario, El Día de los Muertos es delicioso!!!

More info from IMDb: Day of the Dead

Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer 2 - Mask of Sanity

That price tag isn't a joke. I really paid $3 for this stupid movie.

1998

Written and directed by Chuck Parello

Starring: Neil Giuntoli as Henry, Rich Komenich (hey, that rhymes!) as Kai, Kate Walsh (hey, she's hot!) as Cricket, and Carri Levinson (hey, she's not!) as Louisa.

J-Rock's Review: Better than the first one, but still pretty awful. Bonus: Part 2 has boobs!!

Ah, what a pleasure it is to reunite with someone you haven't seen in a while. Unless that person is a sociopathic drifter who was very loosely based on an actual serial killer (at least in the first movie).

I saw the first Henry: POASK back in college, so when I saw Part 2 for sale at a soon-to-be-demolished video store on the west side of Stamford, I figured I could part with $2.95 to see some blood and guts and have a few laughs.

Let's just say I'd better hurry if I want to beat the wrecking ball and get a refund.

OK, maybe I'm being a little overcritical of Henry Part 2...it actually wasn't that horrible. I'm not saying it was great by any stretch, but it was fairly well-made and had some decent killing. And it had BOOBIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Our story once again centers around Henry (duh), a lonely, angry, smelly, dirty, bitter psychopath. It's been 12 years since the last movie, so let's just assume it's been 12 years since Henry killed anyone. My guess is that in the intervening years, Henry finished his MBA and went to work for Goldman Sachs, where he made a killing on wireless IPOs and landed a huge commission in '97. He bought a brownstone on the Upper East Side, met a nice corporate attorney, and thought he'd settle down. Then the dot-com bubble burst, and Henry lost everything.

A wanderer once again, Henry ended up in Some Town, where he befriended Kai. Kai lives with his girlfriend (wife?) Cricket, who's a lot hotter than her name would imply, and Louisa, who's actually pretty hot, but because she wears glasses and knows how to read, we're supposed to think she's ugly. I think Louisa is Kai's niece, but I don't really want to watch the movie again to find out. If you really need to know, then you need to get a life.

Kai gets Henry a job--get this--delivering porta-potties to construction sites. I guess this doesn't sit well with the old Hankster; after all, the idea of a man with a college education dragging plastic shitters around is just undignified [Ed. note: the real Henry Lee Lucas never made it past the fifth grade]. Predictably, he starts killing people again. The only one I really remember is a fat guy who slipped something into Henry's beer at a party with Kai and the gang. Henry comes back and strangles the guy. Yippee.

One interesting sub-plot to this movie is Louisa's inexplicable love for Henry. Not only does he continually rebuff her advances, but HE'S A FUCKING SERIAL KILLER. Even if she didn't actually know his past, it's pretty obvious that the guy's not right, even downright anti-social. They actually briefly make Henry a sympathetic character in this flick - when he starts to feel pity and/or remorse and goes to leave, Louisa threatens to blow her brains out. Henry stays, but then later on, they all come home to find Louisa with a revolver to her head. They try to reason with her (even Henry), but she pulls the trigger and saves us all from more whining. Yippee.
Did I mention the boobies in this movie? Yessiree, Cricket shows them (through an extremely thin white t-shirt) while she's getting it on with Kai. You may recognize Cricket from The Drew Carey Show, where she played Drew's fat girlfriend, and also from Kicking and Screaming, Will Ferrell's youth soccer masterpiece. Fortunately for her, not too many people have seen this movie, or else she wouldn't be getting gigs like The Drew Carey Show.


Anyway, Henry Part 2 isn't the worst movie you could rent, but there are a lot of better ones. Sweet Home Alabama isn't one of them.

More info from IMDb: Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer, Part 2 - Mask of Sanity

Dracula (1979)

1979

Directed by John Badham (Pretty good sign of a shitty movie: when the director's last name is a combination of "bad" and "ham")

Starring: "Greasy" Frank Langella as Count Dracula, "Old" Laurence Olivier as Abraham Van Helsing, "Hungry" Donald Pleasance as Dr. Seward, "Awful" Trevor Eve as Jonathan Harker, "Bland" Jan Francis as Mina Van Helsing, and "Kate" Kate Nelligan as Lucy Seward.

J-Rock's Review: This movie bites. Get it?

First things first, yes I know that the names of the characters listed above seem to be all mixed up. Trust me, you read correctly. And trust me, that's only the beginning of the mess that is this movie.

And yes, I know that Frank Langella is more "oily" than "greasy."

So I guess someone decided to remake Dracula - OK, that's cool. They changed around the story a little bit (thus the mixed-up names of the ladies) - still ok, you know, artistic license. However, the decision to make Dracula into a hairy-chested Italian guy with an American accent is just too much to bear. I mean, I thought Dracula was going to pull up in a Camaro, spray on some Hai Karate, fluff his chest hair, and take Lucy to his Mafioso-esque castle, complete with purple shag carpeting, plastic covers on all the furniture, and huge stone lions by the front door.

And it doesn't stop there - the movie itself is so dripping with 70's vibe that you expect a disco number to break out halfway through, with Dracula and Van Helsing having a dance-off for Lucy's soul.

Burn baby burn, undead inferno!!

For example, when Dracula gets it on with Lucy, the movie goes into this ridiculous lava lamp-type of montage thing resembling the open to a Roger Moore Bond movie. I only wish I had screen-grab capability. I am so stone-age when it comes to the interwebs. I bet there are 3rd graders out there that have more high-tech pages than I do. Lemme see what I can get at Best Buy, and I'll get back to you.

Where was I? Oh yeah, Frankula. So yeah, as for the story, it's your basic Dracula story but with a few changes from the book. We still have the now-greasy Count trying to get a piece of Mina and Lucy's tight young asses, except in this one, he offs Mina and tries to make Lucy his bitch, I mean bride. Jonathan Harker is engaged to Lucy in this version, and is also a total sissy. Plus he has awful 70's helmet hair. (Right now I am so wishing that I had screen-grabs.)

As for Donald Pleasance and Sir Laurence Olivier, these two could have done so much better. I mean, Donald was freakin' Dr. Loomis, and Laurence was in Rebecca, Spartacus, and Richard III.

I'm guessing that Donnieboy did the movie mainly for the food - the guy is eating in almost every scene (I'd show you screen-grabs if I could - what a loser I am).

But then again, a check's a check, and I'd be lying if I said I wouldn't take any movie role that came along if I weren't acting at the time.

But then again, I'm not an actor - at least not since my stirring turn as "Dead Special Student #7" in Citizen Toxie.

So basically, this movie doesn't totally blow. It just pretty much blows.

Come to me...you are powerless before my hair...

IMDb: Dracula

Dawn of the Dead (2004)

2004
Directed by Zack Snyder
Starring: Sarah Polley as Ana, Ving Rhames as Kenneth, Jake Weber as Michael, Mekhi Phifer as Andre, and hundreds upon hundreds of upon hundreds upon hundreds of people as, you know, the dead.

J-Rock's Review: When there's no more room in hell, I will still go see this movie.

Well well well, a remake of 1978's classic Dawn of the Dead. You might think to yourself, "Self, why would anyone want to try to remake 1978's classic Dawn of the Dead?" Well I'll tell you - because it's awesome!!!

First allow me to point out that many great and wonderful things were created in 1978, the most important among them being me. Now if someone were to say to me, "Hey, I can make a new version of you, only with more death and gore and less social commentary," what do you think I would say? Answer:
FUCK YEAH!!!!

But back to the movie. This new version of Dawn is about as straightforward a remake as you can make (or is it remake?). They basically took the same idea as the original, tweaked the characters and situations slightly, added a shitload more death and dismemberment - and even some tits - and made a kick-ass movie!

For those of you who have been living under a rock or are barricaded inside a mall in Wisconsin, here's a quick synopsis of the story: Dead people are coming back to life. A group of people barricade themselves inside a mall in Wisconsin. Killing ensues.

Another great thing about this movie is that unlike the shitty, low-budget, low-class Return of the Living Dead series, the Dawn remake was made with George Romero's blessing!

Oh yeah, boob factor!! There are a few quick shots when the scumbag yuppie guy Steve is filming himself and his girlfriend screwing in the mall, but that's about it. But let's not ignore the fact that Jane Polley is hot.


When you're done staring at her boobs, here's yer IMDb link: Dawn of the Dead

Hellboy

2004

Written and directed by Guillermo del Toro (English translation: Bill of the Bull - weird, huh?)

Starring: Ron Perlman as Hellboy, John Hurt (ouch!) as Professor Broom, Selma Blair as Liz Sherman, and Rupert Evans as John Myers

J-Rock's Review: AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OK, so Hellboy isn't technically a horror movie, but it is in the general vein of cool, sci-fi type flicks that I like, and I know my loyal readers are into.

Hellboy was friggin' awesome - I've never read the comics, so I was coming in totally fresh, and I was totally blown away. It's about a demon who was brought through from another dark dimension by the Nazis, but is raised to fight for the good guys. He even files down his huge horns in order to "fit in" - but that's gonna be tough seeing as he's 6'5" and bright friggin' red.

Hellboy and his cohorts are called into action to stop the nefarious (cool word) plots of a very old yet somehow spry Gregori Rasputin, who wants to unlock the door to the demon world and destroy ours. Hellboy and pals win of course, and there is much rejoicing.

I am such a huge fan of Hellboy that instead of making you read a whole page of my gushings about the movie, I thought it would be a cool treat to hear what some other famous superheroes from television and film have to say about "HB." Enjoy, but remember that the opinions expressed are those of the guest expressing them, and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of anyone at J-Rock's Horror Page. With that out of the way, here we go...

Wonder Woman (Lynda Carter)


Wow, Hellboy - that's a name that takes me back, back before those 1-800-CONTACTS commercials, before She Woke Up Pregnant, even before marrying Robert Altman.

I knew Hellboy back before that bitch Lucy Lawless stole my "dark-haired Amazon princess" bit. God I hate her. By Hera's name, I swear that I, Diana, daughter of Hippolyta, Princess of the Amazons, will have my revenge on Lucy Lawless, the usurper and pretender to my crown!!! I will reclaim my rightful place at ComicCon 2004!!! The womanless geeks will drool over me, Me, ME!!! Bwahahahahahaha!!!

Supergirl (Helen Slater)


Wow, where do I start? To start off, Hellboy is a really nice guy. Most people are put off by his appearance, but let me tell you, he's a softie at heart. He'll do anything for a friend.

Oh, one more thing: his tail is most definitely prehensile...

The Greatest American Hero (some blonde guy)

OK, I'm ready - here we go...

William Katt, reading for the part of Witness number 2: Yes, I saw what happened here. It was murder. How was that, pretty good? Great? Oh wow thanks!

OK, what's next? OK, here goes - I love Hellboy. Best movie I've seen all year - he kicks butt!

Wait a second. What is this? This doesn't sound like the right script. Hell-who? What am I doing here? I thought you told me this was an audition for Law & Order: Criminal Intent! What the fuck? Yes, I'm that guy from Greatest American Hero, what about it? You want me to talk about who? I've never heard of Helltoy! There aren't even any free donuts like you promised.

I'm a serious actor, I'll have you know. I was in Snake Island and Piranha. Oh, well you probably never heard of them because you've got no artistic taste!

I'm out of here - where's the door? And where are my damn donuts!

---

That went well...anyway, here's your IMDB link: Hellboy

Cold Creek Manor & Underworld

2003

J-Rock's Review: Boooooooring

This is a double review for two reasons - first, I saw these movies in the same night. Second, neither one deserves its own review. I'll start with CCM, and unfortunately, I'm not talking about the company that makes hockey skates, nor am I talking about CCR - Big wheel keep on turnin'! Nope, I'm talking about Cold Creek Manor. This movie sucked. Sucked big-time. I don't mean the usual poor production qualities, stupid plot, bad acting kind of suck. It sucked worse than that. I mean Pauly Shore-type sucking. Did you ever try "Reduced Fat Twinkies"? I did - and yeah, this movie sucks even worse than they do. Sucksucksucksucksuck. Nothing good to mention at all. Suckity-suck-suck-suck.

Oh yeah, what's it about? It's about this family who moves from NYC to the sticks. The father buys a huge old mansion and starts to fix it up. He starts finding ridiculously obvious clues pointing to the fact that the family who lived there before was murdered, but somehow manages to remain completely oblivious. So he hires the local psycho redneck guy (Stephen Dorff) to do some work around the property - and even after Dorf beats up Randy Quaid in a bar, Randy has no clue. Dwarf starts threatening the family because the property originally belonged to his family - but Randy is still in the fucking dark. Oh yeah, the daughter's horse ends up in the pool at some point. And then Randy Quaid throws Worf off the roof. Stupid shit movie - don't watch it. Not even on TBS.

As for Underworld, it's got a cool idea - vampires and werewolves have been at war for 600 years through the streets and shadows of England. However, the movie is too long, and it becomes so confusing that you have no idea who is a vampire, who is a werewolf, who is a vampwolf, and who is a werepire. OK, that's not the only problem - there's also the fact that EVERY SINGLE PERSON wears a black leather jacket, further confusing the viewing audience.

One funny story about this movie - after seeing Cold Crap Manure, we walked into the theater we thought was showing Underworld, when suddenly The Rundown came on. Ugh. Nothing kills your movie like using XFL footage in the first five minutes. XFL!! Needless to say, we realized something was wrong, so we walked around until we found the right theater.

Boob factor: CCM - none. Underworld - none.

IMDb links:
Cold Creek Manor
Underworld