Hell Night

1981, Distributed by Compass International Pictures

Starring: Linda (the worst actress in history) Blair, Peter (Friday the 13th Part IV) Barton, and Vincent Van Patten

J-rock's Review:
out of 5 skulls




This one's pretty bad, but not even close to Bloodstalkers. It's about four pledges who have to spend a night in a haunted house. The brothers and sisters play pranks to scare them, but then, oh my!, the "mythical" monster DOES exist!! I wasn't expecting that one! Basically, everyone except Linda dies. The whole movie is very dark, and there is way too much dialogue for a horror movie.

A Letter to Linda Blair

Dear Ms. Blair,

It's been a long time since The Exorcist, and your fifteen minutes of fame are long over. I saw you on USA's "Happy Hour" recently, and while you are aging well, you never really had an acting career. I did enjoy your women-in-prison movie Chained Heat, but not because of your acting skills.

The first sign that you were the movie equivalent of a "one-hit wonder," like Yahoo Serious, Crispin Glover, and Freddie Prinze, Jr., should have been when you mocked yourself in Repossessed.

I do hope that you are happy and that this letter finds you in good health, but please refrain from looking for small slivers of limelight.

Sincerely,
Dr. J-Rock
Dean, University of Bad Horror Movies

For more information from the IMDb (for everyone except Linda): Hell Night

Bloodstalkers

1978, distributed by Vidmark (who else?)

Starring a bunch of people who were never in any other movie.

J-Rock's Review:
NOT A GODDAMN SKULL out of 5 skulls

This movie sucks. I can't even tell you how much it sucks. It is second in sucking only to Invasion of the Blood Farmers. It is a piece of crap.

If you really want to know what it's about, here you go - two couples go to the Everglades to visit the old cabin which belonged to Mike's parents. They drive fifteen hours to go to this little shit-shack in the middle of the swamp. Ever hear of freakin' Disney World?!?

I think one of the women is a stripper, and her boyfriend is an actor. The other guy is a Vietnam vet or something. I'm not really sure because most of the dialogue is incoherent. All the locals tell them not to go to the old house because of the "bloodstalkers." Of courrse they ignore the warnings and go anyway. Then the bloodstalkers turn out to be some local rednecks in gorilla suits. Yay. Basically, nothing happens in the entire movie.

DO NOT, I REPEAT, DO NOT WATCH THIS MOVIE. MANY PEOPLE HAVE SUFFERED AND DIED BECAUSE OF BLOODSTALKERS.

If you really want more information from the IMDb: Bloodstalkers

C.H.U.D.

Note: This review was written by my college buddy Rob-Dogg.











1984, New World Pictures
Starring: Daniel Stern as The Reverend, John Heard as George Cooper, and John Goodman as "Cop in Diner"!!

Rob-Dogg's Review: ZERO skulls of 5 skulls

A few weeks ago some of my friends and I were having a get together drinking some root BEER and we decided to throw in a movie called "C.H.U.D." I had heard of this movie before and thought, "Hey why not, this should be funny, since we are all starting to feel the effects of the root BEER."

Well, this movie was not the party treat I thought it would be.

First of all, there were hardly any deaths, so I fast forwarded through the ENTIRE movie. This is actually the first time that I have EVER done this, so you know it must be BAD!!!!

Then, most of the people watching the movie were falling asleep, including the hot girl that I had laying with me on the couch (Bummer!!!).

The only highlights of this movie are seeing Daniel Stern and John Goodman in their early days. No wonder they never got far in their movie careers. John Goodman would later go on to the show Roseanne where he would be the lucky man that gets to kiss that fat slob Roseanne.

Surprisingly, this crap-fest managed to make enough money to produce a sequel. When we see "C.H.U.D. 2", one of us will review it. Don't hold your breath.

Anyway, don't watch this movie unless you want to be single for life and put everyone to sleep.

For more information from the IMDb: C.H.U.D.

In case you're wondering, and God only knows why you are, C.H.U.D. stands for Cannabalistic Humanoid Underground Dwellers. Oo, that sounds so scary.

Bloody Birthday

1981, distributed by Prism Pictures

Starring Elizabeth Hoy as Debbie, Billy Jayne as Curtis and Julie Brown as Beverly

J-Rock's Review:





of 5 skulls

This one's about three ten-year-olds who start killing people. Twisted, huh?

It's a pretty violent flick, with a lot of deaths. However it is just TOO dumb and illogical. I know, you're thinking, "But J-Rock, what horror movies actually make sense?", but this one is just beyond comprehension. If most horror flicks make "zero" sense, this one makes "negative" sense. Allow me to deliniate some flaws:

1. The first murder: How oculd a ten-year-old swing a gravedigger's shovel hard enough to kill a strong 18-year-old?
2. The sheriff's murder: He gets his head smacked with a baseball bat, but because the kids pull him onto some steps outside and say "he fell," the death is called a freak accident. Now, wouldn't someone notice there are four or five contusions on his skull matching the shape of a bat?!?
3. The teacher's murder: There is blood on her front and back, with much more on her back, which was the entry wound and should not have been too bloody. In addition, the bullet apparently went through her, so it would have been in the wall somewhere. On top of that, once she was found dead, I would hope the authorities would have talked to the kids, who were in the school when she was shot, so they would have seen the BULLET HOLE Curtis' jacket!!
4. Beverly's murder: I don't think a ten-year-old girl could pull back a recurve bow at all, let alone enough to launch an arrow into her sister's head. You've got to see this bow, too. It's bigger than the little girl!
5. The end chase through the house: the blonde psycho kid cuts the wire that comes from the wall to the phone, and this results in all the phones in the house being dead?!?
6. The very end: The hand-jack the psycho girl is playing with would not have been used to life the truck she drops on a guy. Also, I guess her mother didn't notie a FREAKIN' TRUCK dropped on a guy's head!!

One more thing to tell you about: we rewound the 'shovel to the face" scene about seven times, because it was just so damn ridiculously funny.

For more information from the IMDb: Bloody Birthday

Hell High

(Another review by Rob-Dogg)

1986, Prism Entertainment

Starring: Christopher Stryker as Dickens, Christopher Cousins as Jon-Jon, Millie Prezioso as Queeny, Jason Brill as the fat kid, and Maureen Mooney as Ms. Storm

Rob-Dogg's Review:
of 5 skulls




After seeing the opening scene of this movie I was like, damn, this is going to be a great movie! There was a naked chick right near the beginning and there was also a cool death scene when a guy and his girlfriend (the naked chick) fly off a motorcycle and land on metal spears. The girl even spit up some blood!

Now do not let me deceive you, because there was not another death scene for a long time.

The other death scenes were not all that great, except for the scene when the teacher jumps out the window and another scene where the same teacher bashes in a girl's skull with a huge rock. I think this movie is still definitely worth a look though.

For more information from the IMDb: Hell High

Gore-Met, Zombie Chef from Hell

1987, Swan Films, distributed by Camp Video (seriously? Camp Video?)

Starring: Theo Depuay, Kelley Kunicki, C.W. Casey, Alan Marx, and Michael O'Neill

J-Rock's Review:
ZERO skulls of 5 skulls

This is BY FAR the worst movie I have ever seen. Truth or Dare had poor production values, but was at least enjoyable for its badness, as was Mother's Day. Gore-Met has absolutely no redeeming qualities whatsoever:

1. It makes no sense.
2. It has bad special effects, which can usually be forgiven, but not in this case.
3. The music sucks.
4. You never see blood or violence, despite the proclamation on the box that the movie was "Too Violent to Rate."

Rob-Dogg almost fell asleep during this movie, that's how bad it is. In the middle of all this crap, there are two scenes that you might enjoy: first a cop has his head punched clean off, then the evil guy rips out another guy's heart and throws it agains a wall. Keep in mind that these scenes are both crappily done, with ridiculous editing and special effects.

If you do manage to find this flick in a video store desperate enough to rent it, you will be dumbfounded that anyone would actually put their name on this movie. However, for some inexplicable reason, Gore-Met has become something of a cult classic. Probably because it's so damn bad.

IMDb: Goremet, Zombie Chef from Hell

Hellgate

1989, Ghostown Film Management

Starring: Petrea Curren, Carel Trichardt, Evan J. Klisser, Ron Palillo, and Abigail Wolcott as Josie

J-Rock's Review:



of 5 skulls

Deplorable, despicable, horrible. Stupid, worthless, pointless. This movie is beyond hope. It has no, repeat NO, redeeming qualities. Not even the occasional boobies can save this one.

It is poorly made, it has a stupid plot, it makes no sense, the special effects are crappy. I have no idea how they could get anyone to distribute this joke.

The only part worth watching at all (and only for its laugh value) is when Lucas uses the magic crystal he found on his fish; it grows out of its bowl, then becomes a cheap, ugly hand puppet, before it explodes cheesily - one of the truly great scenes in bad cinema.

For more information, check out the IMDb: Hellgate